EXCLUSIVE! INTERVIEW WITH BABY NEW YEAR!
TS: Welcome! Today we have the special privilege of talking with Baby New Year!
NY: Yeah, how ya doin’.
TS: No offense of course, but I was expecting someone a little younger.
NY: And I was expecting to sleep in today – what are you gonna do?
TS: By the way, do you know Father Time?
NY: You’re lookin’ at him.
TS: You’re Baby New Year and Father Time?
NY: Yup. That’s how us mythical creatures roll. Cupid and the Easter Bunny? Same guy. Love it when he mixes up holidays. I can’t tell you how many eggs he’s fired at couples.
TS: Yes, well. So what can we expect for 2013?
NY: Same crap you had in 2012. But it will be in 2013. Maybe more hashtags, though.
TS: I detect a certain bitterness.
NY: Brilliant deduction, Sherlock. Look, I was optimistic when I rang in 2012, thinking, “it couldn’t be any stranger than 2011!” Boy, was I wrong.
TS: Care to elaborate?
NY: Well for instance, people in power and those who funded them did a laundry list of stupid things, and didn’t get their asses kicked. Celebrities did some truly weird things and actually increased their popularity! And don’t even get me started on that “One Pound Fish” guy. I was a baby at the beginning of the year, but this shit really aged me!
TS: So it is in your opinion that nothing will really change in 2013?
NY: Hey, ob-la-di, ob-la-da, ya know? I just don’t see anything changing. Until politicians get their heads out of their asses and people start being nicer to each other, you guys don’t have a fucking chance.
TS: But you have to admit it wasn’t all bad.
NY: No, some truly great things happened, and I guess there’s always bad with good. But this year? Sheesh. There should at least be a healthy balance! And the world didn’t end – big surprise there considering all the possible harbingers – Snooki’s baby, Romney possibly winning the election, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian expecting…
TS: Any New Year’s Eve plans?
NY: The usual. Dick Clark’s New Years Rockin’ Eve, hanging with Santa Claus and other mythical figures. And lots of alcohol.
TS: You know Ryan Seacrest, Jenny McCarthy, and Fergie are hosting New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.
NY: Okay, lots and lots of alcohol…
TS: Well, thanks for your time. I guess we’ll see you next year!
NY: If it keeps up like this, I wouldn’t bet on it.