Mitch McConnell Attempts to Adopt Paul Ryan

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After Paul Ryan recently outlined his plan for the GOP to reject most White House proposals outright and try to infuse others with conservative principles, Mitch McConnell said that he would “be proud to be Ryan’s surrogate father.”

“He and I see eye to eye regarding Obama,” McConnell tearfully explained.  “I think my message from his mouth might be more encouraging to younger supporters, because while he has that Howdy-Doody thing going on with his face, let’s face it – I look like a turtle.”

“I would be proud to make him a part of my family.”

Ryan was pleased by the offer, but said that, together with the help of the GOP, he preferred to take on Obama alone.  “It’s always been our modus operandi to say things and then let other people deal with it.  Who am I to change that?”

House Speaker John Boehner said that he would be in favor of McConnell  adopting Ryan, but emphasized that “father figures” should let their “sons” grow.  “I believe that Ryan is still evolving,” said Boehner.  “But he does show promise that he will just as big a prick as McConnell is in a few years…”

In related news, Sen. Rand Paul said that if Hillary Clinton and other members of the Democratic Party insist on answering questions and explaining things in an intelligent manner, “this is not the America I want to live in.”

By clavius42

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