AUSTIN – Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that he will not seek re-election for Governor. “There’s only so much damage you can do to one state – it’s time to move on,” he said.
“God has told me to take a different path. He told me – apparently after talking to Michele Bachmann – that I should avoid the public spotlight – in fact avoid the public – to become the kind of person that the people of Texas want me to be.”
Shortly after Perry’s announcement, many state representatives across the nation said they are now reconsidering their disdain for Texas, “but only if Mr. Perry keeps his promise.”
“Maybe soon Texas Republicans will see the light, holster their guns, and start liking women again,” said one representative.
Perry also said that he will spend the next 18 months working to complete his tasks. “Lotsa people to execute – gotta fill my quota! And Merry Christmas!”
In related news, Senator Ted Cruz (TX) said that he was not concerned with his colleagues’ negative attitudes toward him. “Someone has to carry on Perry’s reputation, as well as his legacy.”