EXCLUSIVE! INTERVIEW WITH BABY NEW YEAR!

 

TS: Welcome! Today we have the special privilege of talking with Baby New Year!

NY: Yeah, how ya doin’.

TS: No offense of course, but I was expecting someone a little younger.

NY: And I was expecting to sleep in today – what are you gonna do?

TS: By the way, do you know Father Time?

NY: You’re lookin’ at him.

TS: You’re Baby New Year and Father Time?

NY: Yup. That’s how us mythical creatures roll. Cupid and the Easter Bunny? Same guy. Love it when he mixes up holidays. I can’t tell you how many eggs he’s fired at couples.

TS: Yes, well. So what can we expect for 2012?

NY: Same crap you had in 2011. But it will be in 2012.

TS: I detect a certain bitterness.

NY: Brilliant deduction, Sherlock. Look, I was optimistic when I rang in 2011, thinking, “it couldn’t be any stranger than 2010!” Boy, was I wrong.

TS: Care to elaborate?

NY: Well for instance, people in power and those who funded them did a laundry list of stupid things, and didn’t get their asses kicked. Celebrities did some truly weird things and actually increased their popularity! I was a baby at the beginning of the year, but this shit really aged me!

TS: But the war ended in Iraq, Bin Laden was killed, um…

NY: Yes?

TS: We’ll get back to that. So it is in your opinion that nothing will really change in 2012?

NY: Hey, ob-la-di, ob-la-da, ya know? I just don’t see anything changing. Until politicians get their heads out of their asses and people start being nicer to each other, you guys don’t have a fucking chance.

TS: But you have to admit it wasn’t all bad.

NY: No, some truly great things happened, and I guess there’s always bad with good. But this year? Sheesh. There should at least be a healthy balance!

TS: Any New Year’s Eve plans?

NY: The usual. Dick Clark’s New Years Rockin’ Eve, hanging with Santa Claus and other mythical figures. And lots of alcohol.

TS: Well, thanks for your time. I guess we’ll see you next year!

NY: If it keeps up like this, I wouldn’t bet on it.

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By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

North Korea calls Kim Jong Un “supreme leader”, declaring “new era of bad decisions”…

After numerous revelations, Newt Gingrich says “people in Washington will stop at nothing to remind voters who I am, which may be a problem.”

Chinese company plans to buy Yahoo, hires U.S. lobbying firm; new partnership to be called Alibaba and the Forty Thieves…

#Thisjustin #sourcessay #trendingnextbigthing #for2012 #manypeoplestillskeptical

Rihanna gets permanent gold grill for teeth, claiming “trashy” will be the new look for 2012…

Several Twitter accounts have been hacked. In related news, you sux and I rock it baby! XD FTW

 

Thought for the day…

Is “antipasto” the opposite of “pasto”?

By clavius42

Ron Paul Says Doomsday Upon Us, Why He’s Perfect For Last Days On Earth

Republican presidential hopeful Ron Paul has declared that he fears the United Nations will take control of the U.S. money supply, but “that will just be the beginning of the end for our civilization”. “I fear there will be eroding civil liberties, a Soviet Union-style economic collapse, violence in the streets, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria!”

Paul is using this apocalyptic scenario as his platform for the presidency. “I can’t promise that I will solve every problem, but I can promise that I will be the best man for the job in the final days of mankind.”

After news of Paul’s predictions hit the internet, people have started to reconsider their opposition to electing one of the Republican nominees. “If the world is indeed going to end soon, what the hell, give one of them a shot.”

A representative for Paul defends his message of the impending apocalypse. “If you really think about it, there have been multiple warning signs – possible government shutdowns, natural disasters, the Kardashians…”

Paul added that he wished to amend his doomsday predictions somewhat. The ‘dogs and cats living together’ thing? That may have been because I was watching Ghostbusters recently. But the rest of it came straight from the voices in my head!”

In related news, both Harold Camping and Glenn Beck announced that they are endorsing Ron Paul…

By clavius42

Bush Calls Mitt Romney “Best Choice” in 2012 Campaign – “Who The Hell Else Is There?”

Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney received a surprising endorsement recently by former president George H. W. Bush. Though the endorsement still remains unofficial at this time, it has created shock waves through the political community.

“I would like to clarify that after watching many of the debates, he was the candidate that made me laugh the least,” Mr. Bush explained. “I mean really, who the hell else is there? The first time I heard Rick Perry, I did a double take! It was like my son was running again! But then I asked myself, ‘how bad could Mr. Perry be’? Of course, after everything that has happened, clearly I have underestimated him.”

George W. Bush had this to say about the endorsement – “My daddy knows what he is doing, and after talking with my new neighbor, Glenn Beck, we are convinced that if Mitt is elected, he will maintain the spirit of our party and our ideals until the Rapture, which according to that movie we watched, is next year.”

House Speaker John Boehner is nonplussed at the announcement, but says that “as long as Mr. Romney continues his attack on President Obama and keeps up with the misquotes, I will whole-heartedly support him. And should he be discovered to have any affairs, I believe his nomination will be secured.”

In fairly related news. Michele Bachmann had a nervous breakdown on a recent news program. A representative explained that “Ms. Bachmann was unexpectedly overwhelmed when she realized that she had run out of words to use…”

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

Rick Perry says he is entitled to “double-dip” on his compensation. “Where is it written that I can’t get paid twice for doing nuthin’???”

Fans of Tim Tebow arrested for confusing “Tebowing” with “teabagging”…

GOP caves on tax cuts extension; Boehner says “sometimes it’s difficult to do the right thing, but most of time we keep that from happening…”

The Kardashians debut Christmas card in 3-D i.e. two more dimensions than actual Kardashians…

Newt Gingrich promises that if elected, he will do to country what he did to his wives…

Glenn Beck moves to Dallas, Texas, lowers credibility of city even more than George W. Bush did…

 

By clavius42

I Saw It On Fox News

Obama is a Muslim
Muppets are Communists
Such ideas are hard to refuse
‘Cause I saw it on Fox News

One thing I would swear by
Gretchen and Mike and that other guy
What motive would they have to lie?
After all, they work for Fox News

Bush and Cheney and Rumsfeld and Rove
How can people not trust their views?
After all, they saved America and rid us of Saddam
‘Cause I saw it on Fox News

What’s wrong with joining the tea party
And fighting big government today
They’re what’s wrong with America
Hope my Social Security’s on the way

This whole thing about using facts
And doing research – what a pain!
Just say whatever comes to your mind
Truth and lies, they’re all the same.

Oh sure! You say “that’s nonsense!
The truth should not be abused!”
But if in fact you really feel that way
You’re probably not watching Fox News

When they talk about global warming
Or that corporations aren’t people
It’s all just a Liberal ruse
I know what’s right and what’s wrong
‘Cause I saw it on Fox News!

By clavius42

North Koreans Ask If Any Of Kim Jong Il’s Sons Are Batshit Crazy Enough To Replace Their Father

Today it was announced that the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Il, has died. North Koreans are both enthusiastic and skeptical, since there is still the question of who will succeed him.

“More to the point,” asked a North Korean ambassador, “will the next leader be able to be as batshit crazy as Kim Jong Il? There is speculation that one of his three sons, most notably Kim Jong Un, will take his father’s place. But there is a question of his sanity. If he has a lack of it, then he should be suitable.”

Kim Jong Un, the leading candidate, admitted that “dude, I don’t understand this whole nuclear thing, I just want to party!” He then let out a whooping noise and dropped his pants.

After worldwide polls were conducted this morning, the vote for Kim Jong Il as “the craziest person on the face of the planet” has only been bested by votes for Charlie Sheen and Donald Trump…

By clavius42

EXCLUSIVE! INTERVIEW WITH SANTA CLAUS!

 

GV: Hello! Today we have a special guest for all you kids and kids at heart! A very special interview with Father Christmas, Kris Kringle! Good afternoon — um, would you mind not texting during the interview?

SC: Sorry. Just playing a game with Alec Baldwin.

GV: Is that an iPhone 5?

SC: Maybe. So, what would you like to know?

GV: Well first off, I am truly amazed that we are actually having this conversation!

SC: Because I’m not supposed to exist? Yeah, I get that a lot. But as you can see, I do exist, and so does the Easter Bunny and Elvis. In fact, we had lunch the other day.

GV: Really?

SC: Nah. That last part was a joke I tell. Elvis never returns my calls – the bastard.

GV: Oh. So, is it also true that you fly through the air on a sleigh pulled by reindeer?

SC: Well, it was. But then there was this whole “equal rights” thing with them and the elves, and that just went to hell. But it did save me some bucks. That’s another joke, by the way.

GV: You mentioned the elves?

SC: Yeah yeah. They wanted more credit, less size discrimination, and pay raises since I bought Amazon.

GV: You bought Amazon?

SC: Well duh! Christmas only comes once a year, what the hell am I gonna do for the rest of it? I even have my own support guy if I have any questions. Rajneesh.

GV: Is he an elf?

SC: No, I think he’s from Delhi.

GV: Oh. So what will children be getting this year?

SC: iPads, video games, iPhones, etc. It’s all electronic now.

GV: Do you miss the traditional toys and bicycles?

SC: Not entirely, no. One, they were a bitch to haul around. And two, they weren’t exactly in my contract.

GV: So I’m assuming you had a “claus” in your contract, then?

SC: Wow, you’re funny. Next question.

GV: Why were toys not in your contract?

SC: It was my job to spread Christmas cheer originally. Then children started saying, “I want a bicycle! I want a doll!” yada yada yada. So the Big Guy Upstairs said, “give them what they want!”

GV: When you say “the Big Guy Upstairs”, do you mean Jesus?

SC: No, there’s a big guy upstairs where I live. Of course, Jesus! Jesus…

GV: So basically you’re saying that he should take all the credit for what you do now.

SC: Yeah, but I do. Funny world, huh? I’m kinda the “Fonzie” of Christmas. By the way, would you do me a favor and tell Fox News to remove that stick up their ass about “The War on Christmas”? They’ll be getting something a helluva lot worse than coal if they don’t straighten up!

GV: I’ll relay the message. And thank you for your time.

SC: No prob. By the way, I know if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!

GV: (laughs) I will!

SC: Seriously. You’re under surveillance. I call the team “Covert Claus”. Watch your ass.

By clavius42

FAIRLY BREAKING: Christine O’Donnell Endorses Mitt Romney, Denies Putting Curses On Other Candidates

Tea Party favorite Christine O’Donnell announced her endorsement for Mitt Romney this week, stating “one of the things that I like about him is that he’s consistent since he changed his mind, and he’s humble enough to say ‘I don’t always have the right answers,’ because clearly he doesn’t have any.”

O’Donnell also wanted to put to rest any accusations that she was also planning to put curses on the other candidates. “I have already publicly denied that I am a witch, which seems to have been fine with the American people, the Tea Partiers, and my coven.”

Coincidentally, other GOP candidates have been experiencing rashes, loss of hair, and in some cases failure to communicate, since O’Donnell’s endorsement announcement. A representative for O’Donnell says that “she has no comment on the first two, but swears up and down that the third possible ‘curse’, is not a curse at all, but a standard for the GOP”.

In related news, Rick Perry was hospitalized recently when his foot inexplicably pulled his leg up and rammed itself into his mouth…

By clavius42