WASHINGTON – House Majority Leader Eric Cantor surprised the nation today with the announcement that plans have been made to seek out new presidential candidates by utilizing the popular classifieds website Craigslist. “I hate to admit, but after the recent behavior of our candidates, we have become desperate for new blood. I mean for chrissakes, one of our alternatives is Sarah Palin!”
Mr. Cantor revealed that the Craigslist idea came from a source within the GOP. “We had noticed that Herman Cain was on the website a lot.” Other GOP representatives have adopted the new concept, even suggesting someone demonstrating bi-partisan support, because, as they explain, “many people featured on Craigslist say they are willing to “go both ways”.
Not surprisingly, many of the original candidates have expressed their outrage. “One, it threatens to undermine our values”, said Rick Perry. “Two, it tells the Democratic Party that we are weak. And three – um…” Newt Gingrich also voiced his disdain. “I am at the top of current polls, and unless I say anything else, I could win the nomination!” Herman Cain also weighed in with his objections. “I was looking up ‘foreign policy’ when this bombshell hit. Which is ironic, because I was with a bombshell at the time.”
Mr. Cantor has responded to all criticisms. “You see what we have to work with?” It’s enough to almost make me human!”