GV: Hello! Today we have a special guest for all you kids and kids at heart! A very special interview with Father Christmas, Kris Kringle! Good afternoon — um, would you mind not texting during the interview?
SC: Sorry. Just playing a game with Alec Baldwin.
GV: Is that an iPhone 5?
SC: Maybe. So, what would you like to know?
GV: Well first off, I am truly amazed that we are actually having this conversation!
SC: Because I’m not supposed to exist? Yeah, I get that a lot. But as you can see, I do exist, and so does the Easter Bunny and Elvis. In fact, we had lunch the other day.
SC: Nah. That last part was a joke I tell. Elvis never returns my calls – the bastard.
GV: Oh. So, is it also true that you fly through the air on a sleigh pulled by reindeer?
SC: Well, it was. But then there was this whole “equal rights” thing with them and the elves, and that just went to hell. But it did save me some bucks. That’s another joke, by the way.
GV: You mentioned the elves?
SC: Yeah yeah. They wanted more credit, less size discrimination, and pay raises since I bought Amazon.
GV: You bought Amazon?
SC: Well duh! Christmas only comes once a year, what the hell am I gonna do for the rest of it? I even have my own support guy if I have any questions. Rajneesh.
GV: Is he an elf?
SC: No, I think he’s from Delhi.
GV: Oh. So what will children be getting this year?
SC: iPads, video games, iPhones, etc. It’s all electronic now.
GV: Do you miss the traditional toys and bicycles?
SC: Not entirely, no. One, they were a bitch to haul around. And two, they weren’t exactly in my contract.
GV: So I’m assuming you had a “claus” in your contract, then?
SC: Wow, you’re funny. Next question.
GV: Why were toys not in your contract?
SC: It was my job to spread Christmas cheer originally. Then children started saying, “I want a bicycle! I want a doll!” yada yada yada. So the Big Guy Upstairs said, “give them what they want!”
GV: When you say “the Big Guy Upstairs”, do you mean Jesus?
SC: No, there’s a big guy upstairs where I live. Of course, Jesus! Jesus…
GV: So basically you’re saying that he should take all the credit for what you do now.
SC: Yeah, but I do. Funny world, huh? I’m kinda the “Fonzie” of Christmas. By the way, would you do me a favor and tell Fox News to remove that stick up their ass about “The War on Christmas”? They’ll be getting something a helluva lot worse than coal if they don’t straighten up!
GV: I’ll relay the message. And thank you for your time.
SC: No prob. By the way, I know if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!
GV: (laughs) I will!
SC: Seriously. You’re under surveillance. I call the team “Covert Claus”. Watch your ass.