THIS JUST IN!

BREAKING: Mitt Romney wins Florida primary – thanks voters, or as he calls them, “those who aren’t in my tax bracket”…

BREAKING: Romney leads by 15 points in Florida, Gingrich still trailing by three wives…

Fox News celebrates 10 years at #1 in ratings – “We would like to thank all of our sheep – um, viewers!”

Newt Gingrich says he will skip debates if audience members he paid can’t participate…

Herman Cain endorses Newt Gingrich – “When it comes to family values, our interests are both waist high…”

George W. Bush admits memoir was ghostwritten, but coloring book was not.

 

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By clavius42

Lana Del Rey, Katy Perry Discovered to Be Same Person

LOS ANGELES, CA – Over the weekend, the music world was shocked by the revelation that confirmed many music critics’ suspicions – Newcomer Lana Del Rey and pop star Katy Perry are, indeed, the same person.

“It’s subtle, but it’s there,” commented Rolling Stone critic Newton Isaac. “Katy Perry’s music makes you want to claw your eyes out with its cheeriness, and Del Rey’s music wants you to claw your wrists out with its somberness. Either way, you want to claw something out, and that makes for a suitable connection.”

In a press statement this morning, Perry confessed to the discovery. “Everyone has a dark side, and mine is Lana Del Rey. With such songs on her/my album ‘Born To Die’, such as ‘Dark Paradise’, ‘Summertime Sadness’, and ‘Just Kill Me Now’, I want to depress my fans and put them off my music. But with ‘Last Friday Night’, ‘California Gurlz’, and ‘My God I’m Hot!’, I want to put them in what amounts to a ‘sugar shock’. It would be an existential thing, if I knew what that meant.”

Recently divorced from Katy Perry, comic Russell Brand indicated that the creation of Lana Del Rey was a factor in the end. “Her music and persona made me experience what I believe people feel when they hear my material, and I know I couldn’t bloody stand that anymore!”

In related news, Lady Gaga will be announcing later this week that she is also Justin Bieber…

By clavius42

Fifteen Years Ago…

blog: rare skin condition – as in… “how’s that blog healing?”

facebook: not as popular as “facepalm” but much more painful…

tweet: what birds do.

twitter: see tweet

laptop: somebody’s lap

Friend: just a noun

Circle me: walk around a person

bookmark: saves your place in actual book

feed: something you give livestock

hashtag: just say no

Spotify: a glass cleaner

smart phone: opposite of a dumb phone

tag: you’re it!

troll: that thing under the bridge

newsreader: Tom Brokaw

By clavius42

Gingrich Promises Moon Base By 2020, Outsourced Jobs By 2024

MIAMI, FL (Duh) – Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich announced this week that “by my second term as President of the United States, I promise an American moon base.”

He also detailed his plan for outsourcing American jobs to people who colonize the Moon, stating that “these jobs would no longer be taken by foreigners, but by other Americans, so I don’t see how this would create a problem.”

Critics within the Republican party have denounced his plan and rallied to make sure that it will not become a reality, which, as one member said, “Mr. Gingrich seems to have no grasp of.”

However, ardent supporters of Gingrich look forward to the controversial plan. Fox News analyst Keith Ablow says, “to think that someone would have these sort of ideas and not be able to lead America – I think we should just give him the presidency right now! And also, my phone number.”

In related news, polls conducted after the CNN debate show that Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are “neck in neck” for “source of disappointment for human race”…

By clavius42

Top Ten Complaints About Facebook Timeline

10. Annoying Day One patch for content makes people think users lead an incomplete life

9. New Nag feature gripes out user for not keeping in contact with parents

8. When users discover that it is no longer optional, you hear recording of Mark Zuckerberg saying, “muhahahahahahaha…”

7. Online game use is characterized by following criteria – Recreational, Maybe You Should Take A Break Occasionally, and Good God You Have No Life!

6. It’s in 3-D

5. Convenient for stalkers to monitor every move, but only if you’re stupid enough to post everything you do

4. Refreshing mint flavor, but too many calories

3. Photo Timeline shows how much user has aged/had cosmetic work done

2. Mobile app does not warn people about oncoming traffic when user is checking it

and the Number One Complaint About Facebook Timeline…

1. One more damn thing that will make Facebook slow to a crawl

By clavius42

God To Newt Gingrich – “You’re Not Fooling Anyone”

PEARLY GATES – In a special press meeting with the Almighty, God called Newt Gingrich on his numerous infidelities and going to the Almighty for guidance. “I would like to clarify that Mr. Gingrich did in no way listen to me, but dropped my name frequently to anyone questioning his definitions of marriage.” He then addressed the presidential nominee – “you’re not fooling anyone – so cut it out.”

God also mentioned that he was “sick and tired of being used as a ‘get out of jail free’ card to anyone who made any mistakes and refused to admit to them. “I am too busy being concerned with people who live their lives by being the best that they can be.”

The Almighty announced in the meeting that he will be initiating a new directive, called the SOL policy. “This policy gives me the right to refuse anyone I feel does not deserve to refer to me, leaving said person SOL. Oh wait, I’m God, I can say shit outta luck, right?”

Religious groups around the world were abuzz with shock and amazement with the new revelation*, but God was undeterred. “Yeah, and you guys? If you’re going to do immoral and/or illegal things, cut it out. I think it goes without saying that I’m watching you.”

After the press statement by the Deity, Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager assured the American people that “Mr. Gingrich is a devout follower of Jesus, and believes in traditional family values!”

Jesus Christ was quoted as replying, “don’t even go there…”

*sorry, couldn’t resist

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

Mitt Romney reveals tax records, saying “I hope this finally convinces the American people that I am just like them, if they were also insanely wealthy…”

Simon Cowell breaks off engagement after two years. “Her choice was terrible, an abysmal start, and a disappointing finish…”

Senator Rand Paul refuses airport pat-down, cites “avoiding any contact with regular people…”

Steven Tyler revealed to be first singer in new series to mangle National Anthem for 2012…

Romney wins New Hampshire, Santorum wins Iowa, and Gingrich wins South Carolina. Looking forward to the “scissors paper rock” debate…

It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

By clavius42

BREAKING: Two Other Candidates Discovered Onstage At Florida GOP Debate With Gingrich and Romney

TAMPA, FL – Monday evening the GOP presidential debate between Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich was full to the brim with several revelations. But the most surprising discovery was that there were two other candidates onstage.

“Mr. Gingrich and Mr. Romney opened with some personal attacks as usual, inciting each other, when all of a sudden there were other voices coming from the direction of the stage!” said moderator Brian Williams. “Throughout the evening, there were intermittent interruptions of the Gingrich/Romney debate by a couple of people who were under the mistaken impression that anyone was listening to them.”

Sources close to the Republican party revealed that Ron Paul and Rick Santorum were, indeed, standing next to Romney and Gingrich. “There were obvious clues to people who watched the debate on television,” explained a GOP representative. “When Romney or Gingrich were facing each other, the arms on the side of the screens were clearly not theirs.”

Highlights of the debate included Gingrich’s criticisms of Romney’s family values while checking his page on Match.com, repeated attacks by Romney against Gingrich for ruining his “average income person” punchlines, and taking turns exclaiming that they were offended by topics posed by Brian Williams.

“In the end, I hope that whomever is still awake will cast their votes,” said Williams after the debate. “I also hope that I can host the debate with whomever is selected, just so I can be there when Obama rips him a new one…”

By clavius42

Newt Gingrich Demands That Mitt Romney Produce Birth Certificate

Only a few days after his fellow candidates in the presidential race questioned his tax returns, Newt Gingrich has come forth, demanding that Romney should also produce a verifiable certificate of birth in the United States.

“It has become very clear to me and my colleagues,” said Gingrich, “that Mr. Romney is hiding more from the American people than his questionable financial dealings. I feel that all of his secrets should be revealed immediately, before he can continue his path to eventually dropping out of the race.”

A cloud of controversy has engulfed Congress with the announcement by Gingrich, with many members quite puzzled as to what his goal is. “Mitt is a confirmed Mormon, and though he served as a missionary in France, he is clearly an American. This is yet another attempt by Mr. Gingrich to distract voters from his own flaws, which, not unlike ourselves, are too many to list at this time.”

Gingrich returned with a rebuttal to comments made by members of Congress, stating that, “since France is not in the United States, I question Mr. Romney’s dedication to America, and his family values, in hopes that people will forget that I have none in both categories.”

Sources close to Romney said that he had no comment at this time, but was discussing future political maneuvers with Gingrich’s second ex-wife, Marianne.

By clavius42

Top Ten Features of the New Facebook Nightclub in Brazil

10. No private booths

9. If you get rowdy, the bouncers will Block you

8. Customers are encouraged to yell out whatever they’re thinking

7. You need Bejeweled Blitz coins to buy drinks

6. When you talk to someone, a large white box appears between you two

5. You can only express yourself in emoticons

4. Women get picked up by guys with really bad grammar

3. The DJ says “Hey everybody! I’m taking Spotify requests!”

2. When you want to dance, you have to authorize your account for permission

and the Number One Feature of the Facebook Nightclub in Brazil…

1. Poke her in the back, Like her in the front

By clavius42