DES MOINES, IA – On the eve of the Iowa caucus, many Republicans are no longer saying they are undecided as to who should be nominated as a presidential contender. In fact, most have asked if they really have to vote.
“In the past, there have been clear choices, people we could really support,” one voter explains. “But this year? I’m this close to becoming a Liberal, I’m so baffled!” Another voter, a devout Republican, admits he has thrown up his hands when it comes to the group of candidates. “I am by no means an Obama supporter, but I wouldn’t trust any of them to sit the right way on a toilet, much less take care of our nation.”
Many of the complaints voiced by Iowans have stemmed from the poor debates last year, and this year’s behavior by candidates hasn’t shown any improvement. When asked by a reporter about the possible disarray within his campaign operation, Rick Perry would not answer because the reporter could not “name the source”. “Until you can come up with a name, I object to this whole conversation! I would also be surprised if it was just one source. As far as I know, I only have one that I can really trust, and he drives a mean van!”
“I think the American people, namely Republican Iowans, will make the right decision on Tuesday,” said Michele Bachmann. “If I may paraphrase a popular phrase, I am the snowball, and Des Moines is looking pretty crispy.” Other hopefuls, such as Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, and Jon Huntsman, are adamant that if voters give them a chance, they will promise not to do anything stupid for at least a month.
Newt Gingrich has expressed his total lack of sympathy for some of the voters and their plight. “In fact, my head has gotten so big during this campaign, I no longer feel anything toward lesser beings, namely the American people.” He then added, “Muhahahahaha…”
Organizers of the caucus have announced that they will be working closely with local police to go to homes of at least 200,000 voters whom they believe are Republican to persuade them to vote. Many voters, having been informed of this plan, have said that they have a plan of their own. “I’m going on vacation,” one local admitted.