Historians Discover Lost Bible Verse Okaying Adultery and Larceny, GOP Breathes Sigh of Relief

This week a group of religion historians deciphered what they perceived to be a lost verse of the Bible. “It’s a remarkable discovery, but even more remarkable are the contents of the verse,” explains Dr. Harold Masters, head of the historian group and ultra-conservative organization Be Jesus. “According to Charlatans 3:10, God approves of adultery and taking money from other people!”

News of this incredible revelation has been cause for rejoicing by many members of the Republican party. “It’s literally an answer to our prayers,” House Speaker John Boehner said today in a press statement. “Our members will no longer be ostracized for their hypocrisy. We have definitive proof that being a douchebag is okay with the Lord.”

Rick Santorum, presidential hopeful in his own mind, stated that “if we can now also find a verse about denigrating Black people, gays and Palestinians, I might just be a shoo-in!” Other possible candidates have also voiced their joy. “I just went from being accused of screwing everyone to doing God’s work!” said Rick Perry. “Hallelujah!” Even former candidates have spoken up. “Truly a great moment for the Black Walnut,” exclaimed Herman Cain. “Ladies, I’m ready and willing!”

GOP favorite Mitt Romney sent an open letter to many corporations – or, people– congratulating them for their job creation. “This new verse changes everything. You are truly the backbone of our party, and now we can finally admit to it!”

By clavius42

One comment on “Historians Discover Lost Bible Verse Okaying Adultery and Larceny, GOP Breathes Sigh of Relief

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