God To Newt Gingrich – “You’re Not Fooling Anyone”

PEARLY GATES – In a special press meeting with the Almighty, God called Newt Gingrich on his numerous infidelities and going to the Almighty for guidance. “I would like to clarify that Mr. Gingrich did in no way listen to me, but dropped my name frequently to anyone questioning his definitions of marriage.” He then addressed the presidential nominee – “you’re not fooling anyone – so cut it out.”

God also mentioned that he was “sick and tired of being used as a ‘get out of jail free’ card to anyone who made any mistakes and refused to admit to them. “I am too busy being concerned with people who live their lives by being the best that they can be.”

The Almighty announced in the meeting that he will be initiating a new directive, called the SOL policy. “This policy gives me the right to refuse anyone I feel does not deserve to refer to me, leaving said person SOL. Oh wait, I’m God, I can say shit outta luck, right?”

Religious groups around the world were abuzz with shock and amazement with the new revelation*, but God was undeterred. “Yeah, and you guys? If you’re going to do immoral and/or illegal things, cut it out. I think it goes without saying that I’m watching you.”

After the press statement by the Deity, Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager assured the American people that “Mr. Gingrich is a devout follower of Jesus, and believes in traditional family values!”

Jesus Christ was quoted as replying, “don’t even go there…”

*sorry, couldn’t resist

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By clavius42

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