LOS ANGELES, CA – Over the weekend, the music world was shocked by the revelation that confirmed many music critics’ suspicions – Newcomer Lana Del Rey and pop star Katy Perry are, indeed, the same person.
“It’s subtle, but it’s there,” commented Rolling Stone critic Newton Isaac. “Katy Perry’s music makes you want to claw your eyes out with its cheeriness, and Del Rey’s music wants you to claw your wrists out with its somberness. Either way, you want to claw something out, and that makes for a suitable connection.”
In a press statement this morning, Perry confessed to the discovery. “Everyone has a dark side, and mine is Lana Del Rey. With such songs on her/my album ‘Born To Die’, such as ‘Dark Paradise’, ‘Summertime Sadness’, and ‘Just Kill Me Now’, I want to depress my fans and put them off my music. But with ‘Last Friday Night’, ‘California Gurlz’, and ‘My God I’m Hot!’, I want to put them in what amounts to a ‘sugar shock’. It would be an existential thing, if I knew what that meant.”
Recently divorced from Katy Perry, comic Russell Brand indicated that the creation of Lana Del Rey was a factor in the end. “Her music and persona made me experience what I believe people feel when they hear my material, and I know I couldn’t bloody stand that anymore!”
In related news, Lady Gaga will be announcing later this week that she is also Justin Bieber…