CNN Assures Viewers Arizona Debate Will Not Interfere With Whitney Houston Coverage

MESA, AZ – Even with the last televised GOP debate airing tonight, CNN wants viewers to know that their ongoing coverage of the recently deceased pop singer Whitney Houston will not be interrupted. “We are one of the leaders in 24 hour news networks with incredibly bad taste, and we will not forfeit our reputation just to focus solely on tonight’s debate,” says CNN spokesman M. Jackson.

The Arizona debate has now been renamed the Whitney Houston Memorial GOP Debate, and will feature, among other things, trivia about the pop star throughout the evening. “Candidates will be answering tough questions about the economy, religion, and the state of America while fielding questions from the moderator about how many of Whitney’s albums went gold,” says debate organizer E. Presley.

Lead nominee Rick Santorum is enthusiastic about the tribute/debate. “This is the most important event leading up to Super Tuesday for me, but most of all, I believe the people of Arizona are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.” Mitt Romney, anxious to recover from Santorum’s five state win in the primaries, is skeptical, but hopeful nonetheless. “How will I know if they really love me? I say a prayer with every heart beat.”

In related news, President Barack Obama had this to say about Santorum’s opposition to his contraception bill – “My only wish is that Mr. Santorum’s mother had practiced it.”

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By clavius42

Top Ten Things Mitt Romney Should Know About Google Plus

10. No valet.

9. Lots of people on here don’t cut his grass.

8. Corporations are not people here – they’re Pages.

7. Fox News also has account, which gives him at least one follower.

6. Hangouts are not for fund raisers.

5. Please don’t post links to his singing in public.

4. Clint Eastwood’s Super Bowl ad rocks. Deal with it.

3. Newt Gingrich is secretly messaging Lady Gaga. Shhh.

2. Obama is not the Devil. Those pics were Photoshopped.

and the Number One Thing Mitt Romney Should Know About Google Plus…

1. If he’s elected, the Birds won’t be the only ones who are Angry.

By clavius42

NEWSOSPHERE BREAK

The Newsosphere will be taking a small break until the end of February.

Think of it as The Daily Show or The Colbert Report.

Only I’m not getting paid for my vacation.

But feel free to check out past articles and tell your friends!
Or don’t.

By clavius42

Top Ten Football Phrases That Sound Dirty

10. It’s a game of inches…

9. Oh…he had a guy WIDE OPEN!

8. That is one amazing sack!

7. He just got his bell rung, is all.

6. He is regarded as the best player to ever play that position.

5. He has the best hands in the business.

4. There’s no way the’re gonna keep him out of there!

3. They are feeling one another out.

2. He could go all the way!

And the Number One Football Phrase That Sounds Dirty…

1.He may be a tight end, but he plays like a wide receiver.

By clavius42

BREAKING!

Donald Trump endorses Mitt Romney.

TOO…..MANY….JOKES…..CAN’T….
head explodes

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

This just in – Punxsutawney Phil comes out of lair, sees debates still going on, moves to Canada…

Mitt Romney clarifies that he “is concerned with the very poor who cut my lawn”…

McDonald’s announces end of chemicals in burgers after several customers complain of spontaneous wing growth…

This just in – Mitt Romney replaces Madonna to sing at Super Bowl…

Jonah Hill reveals weight loss secret: don’t eat so much damn food…

It’s edible, not Oedipal.
Trust me, your Mom will prefer it.

By clavius42

Top Ten Most Surprising Facts About The Facebook IPO

10. Mark Zuckerberg is a closeted admirer of Gordon Gekko

9. One out of every endangered species uses Facebook

8. Your parents will be on Facebook soon – so lose the sex chat thing

7. Virtual farms may face virtual foreclosure

6. People like their Like button a little too much

5. Facebook employees will finally be able to sit down

4. MySpace will become new business model

3. Dinners and snacks will no longer be complimentary

2. Zynga will make a bid for the planet Earth

And the Number One Surprising Fact About The Facebook IPO…

1. The value of your Facebook profile – 10,000 Bejeweled Coins!

By clavius42

Newt Gingrich Holds Press Conference – Has Temper Tantrum, Hissy Fit

MIAMI, FL – After news of Mitt Romney’s win in the Florida primary, political rival Newt Gingrich held a press conference with those members he did not ban, in which he proceeded to jump up and down and stomp his feet, having a temper tantrum, followed by what many called a “prolonged hissy fit”.

“All you Florida people are wrong wrong wrong!” he said. “I wanna be President and I know what’s right and you’re all a bunch of stupidheads!” He then called on a translator, who expressed Gingrich’s discontentment in Spanish. He added, “Fine! Be that way! You’re not gonna get a darn moonbase from me!” Then to everyone’s amazement, he turned away from the press and grumbled.

Romney said that Gingrich had not called him to offer congratulations, in a traditional display of decency. “Apparently he didn’t have my number, or I put a call block on him, I can’t remember just now.” When asked about whether his status as a millionaire and partner with Bain Capital would eventually do him in, he replied, “I’ll betcha $100,000 that it all goes away! Or I’ll fire the people who are supposed to make that happen! Now what verse were we on? Oh…oh beautiful for pilgrim feet…”

Herman Cain, who recently endorsed Newt Gingrich, commented that he was disappointed with the results of the primary, but also said that he demonstrated an act of civility by calling Romney and offering congratulations, and offered to endorse the governor if he returned his call.

In related news, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum were seen getting blitzed at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter…

By clavius42