WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is soon to announce the decision made concerning the health care law known as “Obamacare”, but was open with the press with his consideration for another possible law. “You all know how I feel about the controversial law in my sights, but after much thought, I feel that the American people could use more broccoli in their diet, and the first step would be issuing a mandate.”
The so-called “broccoli mandate” would make anyone not eating broccoli a criminal, but not affect those in possession of handguns. Details are sketchy at this time, but some believe that it will not pertain to other types of cabbage, which may incite various militant vegetable groups.
It is looking more and more possible that the Supreme Court will strike down the health care law as unconstitutional, but insiders say that the “broccoli mandate” is being fully supported by anyone in Congress who were also little boys growing up with their mothers. “Since that is probably at least all of them, I think this will be a no-brainer. And as you know, Congress is all about no-brainers,” said one insider.
In related news, rumor has it that the $540 million Mega Lottery will be announced, the winners will take the money, the GOP will abscond with it, and then funnel it into various super PACS…
Woman dumps flour on Kim Kardashian, representative for reality star clarifies she’s not even half baked…
Geraldo Rivera apologizes for “hoodie” comment – “It would have been a compromise of my journalistic integrity if I had any…”
This just in – “pink slime” in 70% of ground beef In U.S., regular slime in 90% of Congress…
Controversial Karl Rove ad suggests Obama is a Russian double-agent, “or so my comrades believe…”
New Kim Kardashian Barbie marries Ken, disses Skipper, files for divorce only weeks after release…
Carson Daly apologizes for gay jokes on his radio show, but still insists he has talent…
WASHINGTON – Startling figures came out today for people suffering the newest health threat, “foot in mouth disease”. The majority of the victims have turned out to be Republicans, most notably members of the GOP.
The disease is characterized by a “sudden violent upswing of one’s right foot into their mouth after saying something utterly moronic”. “It’s a growing phenomenon,” said one medical expert. “Needless to say, there has been an incredible surge of cases since the Republican presidential debates last year.”
The latest victims include presidential candidates Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum, and in an unexpected case, actor Robert DeNiro (surprisingly, in this case, his left foot was lodged into his mouth instead of his right). These people have joined the list, which also includes lifetime sufferer Rush Limbaugh. “In my defense,” said Mr. Limbaugh, “I personally blame this condition on the freedom hating Liber—-mmmph!”
In related news, a recent poll showed that 85% of Americans doubt that anyone working for Fox News could be trusted to sit the right way on a toilet seat…
BREAKING: Rick Santorum wins Louisiana primary, solidifies “batshit crazy” vote…
Tim Tebow traded to New York Jets, Mitt Romney traded to the 99%…
Mitt Romney wins Illinois primary – thanks voters, or as he calls them, “those who aren’t in my tax bracket”…
GOP mistakes The Hunger Games for Republican promo…
Dick Cheney has heart transplant; surgeons baffled when no actual original heart is discovered…
Ashton Kutcher to fly on Richard Branson’s first spacecraft, unknowingly buys one way ticket…
Today the electronic industry was shocked by an unforeseen event – the popular kid’s toy, the Etch A Sketch, is predicted to outsell Apple’s recently released iPad 3. Many toy companies are running out of stock, and thousands of people are on a waiting list for the toy tablet.
“It’s overwhelming,” said a representative for Apple. “I would also like to mention that the people I represent also think it’s overwhelming.”
After a recent comment made by Mitt Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom, comparing Romney to an Etch A Sketch, sales for the toy have skyrocketed.
“It’s symbolic, I think,” says a political insider. People use it as a way to envision the whole GOP presidential campaign, and then shake the Etch A Sketch, in hopes of erasing it from their memory…”
In related news, Conservative voters are considering using a Magic 8-Ball to determine their pick for a presidential candidate…
WASHINGTON – Today the two top Republican presidential candidates admitted that they actually agreed on one thing – the words inscribed on the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty must go. “They refer to the acceptance of tired, poor, huddled masses – people who stand in the way of the ideals of our investors,” a representative for the GOP said.
“I am not saying that the monument should be removed,” said Rick Santorum at a rally. “But I do not condone the words and emotions of this erection created by disease-spreading French. I also condemn women for inciting disease-spreading erections.”
“It’s a bold step,” said Speaker John Boehner. “These so-called ‘poor’ people are using their situations to influence the American people, when they should be spending that time getting jobs.”
Santorum opponent Mitt Romney weighed in with his comments. “As long as this doesn’t affect the people who are cutting my lawn, cleaning my houses and pools, and maintaining my cars, I stand by what I believe to be true. Also, when I refer to “the people” I am actually referring to Pedro.”
The GOP is also planning to submit a bill to change the wording on the Statue of Liberty from “give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses” to “if you are willing to fund our causes, welcome! If you have oil, we will bomb your country!”
In related news, Newt Gingrich was allegedly spotted on the campaign trail, but witnesses later admitted that it may have been a trick of the light.
Here’s a little ditty
I hope you find it witty
When you’re down and your heart is lacking glee
I am happy to report you
Will find that knees support you
And are even a part of our language you will see
and even a cricket named Jimi-knee
and speaking of this song let’s not forget “cor-knee”
So I hope that your hopes are higher
And things no longer look so dire
Your knees will heal for sure, just like I told ya
Don’t worry too much and just keep your head up
‘Cause if you don’t you might get knee-monia
Just to clarify…
There is racism, misogyny, and homophobia in Congress.
Think of it as a Michael Bay film.
If you think that Jeff Foxworthy endorsing your campaign is a good thing…
You might be a Mitt Romney.
All-American Muslim – regular Muslim-American families’ life in America
Shahs of Sunset – narcissistic wealthy Iranian-Americans in L.A.
Which show got cancelled?
You may have a Freudian slip, but it will ass.
Something ambiguous will happen today.
Dunno, It’s hard to be certain.
After GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney turned 65 earlier this week, he announced that he would not be signing up for Medicare. “I am perfectly happy with my current private insurance, and since I am filthy rich, money doesn’t concern me. But I promise to feign interest in the health care benefits of those less fortunate.”
Romney added that in addition to refusing Medicare, he would now be saying “no thanks” to reality. “It’s true that I have an elitist point of view, and care nothing for lower classes. Also that Rick Santorum is kicking my butt in the primaries. But I have never accepted reality, and I don’t plan on starting now.”
He has publicly endorsed Paul Ryan’s Republican budget plan, which would eliminate the health care program entirely, but is fully prepared to blame it on Obama. “My private insurance will not be touched by this plan, but it will affect Medicare, which I criticize Obama for cutting, which I support Ryan’s plan for eliminating.”
Top GOP nominee Rick Santorum said that he publicly denounces Romney and his “elitist views”, but also identifies with Romney’s refusal of reality…
BREAKING: Santorum wins Alabama and Mississippi primaries; “This is a huge win not only for my campaign, but for certifiable people everywhere…”
Nicollette Sheridan and Marc Cherry say lawsuit is just like one of the crappy storylines on Desperate Housewives…
Gingrich/Perry ticket front-runner for “Snowball in Hell” vote…
Former Goldman Sachs executive leaves firm after discovering that he has a soul…
Alaska’s “orange goo” mystery solved – revealed to be dumping ground for leftover Chicken McNuggets…
Sarah Palin denounces HBO docudrama – “Just another example of Hollywood showing what I actually said and did…”
TRIVIA: Roy Rogers is the only one who ever had a Dale Evans…