Santorum: If Elected, I Promise to Repeal Last Two Centuries

WASHINGTON – Top GOP nominee Rick Santorum announced today that “should I be elected, I will take America back to when it was most pure – the 19th century. Men were men, and women and children didn’t have rights.”

He also promises to bring back phrases such as “dagnabbit”, “balderdash” and “whippersnapper”, in place of modern profanity, under his proposed David Mamet Amendment. “The only time people should say inflammatory words like “darn” are when they are referring to what they do to their socks!”

Mr. Santorum is also vehemently against teleprompters, citing that “reading of any kind has never done anyone any good, and if the Republican Party has gotten by without it so far, why stop now?” He also said that the history books should not contain any references to Jews, African-Americans, or anyone who enslaved Native Americans.

“It is my goal to repeal the last two centuries, and bring back traditional American family values. But I’m not interested in banishing television technology, because that would affect Fox News…”

In related news, Republicans nationwide are rallying to include “none of the above” on voting ballots…

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By clavius42

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