Twenty Years (Or So) Ago…

blog: rare skin condition – as in how’s that blog healing?

facebook: not as popular as facepalm and much more painful…

tweet: what birds do.

twitter: see tweet

laptop: area created by putting legs together while seated

Friend: just a noun

Circle me: walk around a person

selfie : what guys do when they’re lonely

bookmark: long piece of material inserted to save place in book

feed: something you give livestock

hashtag: just say no

Spotify: a glass cleaner

Hangout: local dive

smart phone: opposite of a dumb phone

tag: you’re it!

troll: that thing under the bridge

newsreader: Tom Brokaw

Amazon: a rainforest

Follower: member of a cult

Plus: term used in math

By clavius42

A PLEA FROM ME (Lose the Dick Jokes)

Hit it!

Mr. Stewart and Colbert I am a huge fan of your shows
They’re honest about what goes on in the world, that I suppose 

And your jokes are laugh out loud funny, how I love and often quote them
Except the ones about sex and your fascination with the scrotum

Please…

Lose the dick jokes
You guys are smarter than that

Lose the dick jokes
There’s nothing more infantile than that

If you keep on mentioning jokes about erections
I fear that your shows will go in the wrong directions

I know you both have played comedy clubs and concert halls
So you must know it takes balls to not resort to jokes about balls

When it comes to what goes in the show, I know you are the deciders
But maybe now it’s time to think about hiring new writers

Please…

Lose the dick jokes
While you’re at it poop’s not on the money 

Lose the dick jokes 
That shit’s just not that funny!

By clavius42

TECH REPORT: Sony’s “Bullshit Detector” May Be Scrapped in Final Phase

SILICON VALLEY – Today Sony announced that it was likely that they would not be releasing one of the most anticipated items of this year, the Fallacy Finder, or “Bullshit Detector”.

“We are never one to turn a blind eye to innovation,” said Sony CEO Ken Itwerk, “but we may have pushed the envelope on this product, and in this case the envelope pushed back.”

Details are coming out about the cancelled product. During early test phases, the “bullshit detector” showed incredible results in detecting bullshit. But in the final phase, a common occurrence sealed the fate of the item.

“We were just about to start the final phase,” one technician explained, “when my partner turned on the television in our lab. But what he didn’t know was that he had inadvertently exposed the detector to overwhelming masses of bullshit. The detector overheated, and eventually burnt itself out!”

He added, “I don’t think that people realize just how much bullshit they are exposed to on a daily basis, and that’s not just the ones who watch Fox News.”

However, all may not be lost. Sony is also planning a safety restriction guideline for consumers, in hopes that they might be able to finish work on the “bullshit detector” and release it in the Fall. “We feel that this is a minor setback, and if people could just restrict their use of the detector to certain detector-friendly environments, we are confident that this could be the must-have product of 2012.”

Sony has listed many things that could cause a possible overload, including 24-hour news networks, reality shows, political debates, and most advertising.

In related news, the Cliche Alert app for the iPhone 5 is a stone’s throw away from being released, but insiders say unless they keep the wolf away from the door, it will be available when the cows come home…

By clavius42

Gingrich: “If It Wasn’t For Reality, I Would Win This Race”

Even after Republican front-runner Mitt Romney’s decisive victory in Delaware yesterday, Newt Gingrich is still going forward with his campaign, despite numerous criticisms.

“To drop out now would be an admission of defeat,” Gingrich commented today. “Reality has always been my biggest opposition, and the likely reason if I didn’t win this presidential campaign. But it’s never stopped me in the past, and I’m not about to let it get the upper hand now.”

Many political insiders believe that Gingrich might still have a fighting chance “if Mitt Romney drops out of the race, pigs learn how to fly, or Law and Order runs out of franchises.”

When asked if he would endorse Romney if his campaign failed, Gingrich simply replied, “if he doesn’t have a moon base in his plan, I’m not interested.”

In related news, Romney supporters are offering a cash reward nationwide for anyone who volunteers to become his running mate…

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

BREAKING: Ted Nugent offered one way ticket on Richard Branson space flight…

Obama held accountable by GOP for Secret Service scandal, member’s comment about Sarah Palin, and anything else they can come up with…

Coachella spokesperson says Tupac image was digital, but still can’t explain Mitt Romney…

McDonald’s worker spits in tea, says he was only promoting new Sweet Tea With Something Extra…

Bill Clinton has a wandering eye, according to reports by “Duh”…

Ted Nugent meets with Secret Service in bipartisan fuck-up…

The scariest thing about a Romney presidency? Televised sing-a-longs.

By clavius42

EXCLUSIVE! Transcript of Secret Service Interview With Ted Nugent *

SS: State your name for the record.

TN: Really?

SS: Nah, not really. Okay, it says here that you said that “if Barack Obama becomes president in November, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

TN: Free speech dude! Look it up!

SS: “We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off in November, and if you don’t clean house in this vile, evil, America-hating administration, I don’t even know what you’re made out of.”

TN: That was out of context.

SS: “I’m a Black Jew at a Nazi-Klan rally, and there are some power-abusing, corrupt monsters in our federal government that despise me because I have the audacity to speak the truth.” You said this to conservative radio host Dana Loesch.

TN: I’m not a Black Jew, but I am in a minority! I am willing to speak the truth, because people gotta know what Obama really is!

SS: You also compared DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi to “varmints.”

TN: Okay! Cards on the table? Guys, I have to do something to stay in the spotlight! I can’t keep playing “Cat Scratch Fever” forever, or any other of my greatest hits.

SS: You had others?

TN: Not really. Anyway, I figured the best way to get on the national stage was to do what’s trending among Republicans – badmouth Obama!

SS: Well, the Secret Service doesn’t badmouth the President, and until now we don’t ignite scandals.

TN: Really?

SS: Si. The point is, the kind of language you used is inflammatory and suggests the possible violent overthrow of our government. These kinds of scare tactics are practically copyrighted by Fox News.

TN: True.

SS: So do you promise not to use this type of language again?

TN: Well…

SS: “Dead or in jail.” Your words.

TN: Okay okay! Hey maybe we can spice this up a bit, huh? You guys give me a good press statement? There’s money in it!

SS: How much?

TN: How about thirty dollars?

SS: Interview finished! Take him into custody!

verified by Wikipedia

By clavius42

A Personal Message From Ann Romney

Hi. I’m Ann Romney.

I am happy to represent the working women of America. In fact, some of them are my best maids. But when you’re a stay-at-home mom like I am, you need some time, like all mothers do, to relax, have a Crozes-Hermitage La Guiraude 2009 and nibble on some smoked salmon and leek scramble with, of course, some meyer lemon crème fraîche. But I’m not here to suggest menus, but to offer encouragement to those who will never be in my tax bracket. Once my husband is elected President of the United States, he promises women nationwide that they will be secure in their hopes of attaining the best for their families, though all that will still remain will be their hopes.

Also, when I said that people should get to know the real Mitt by unzipping him and letting him out, I want to clarify that he has always been stiff in private, and when it comes to the American people, he is ready to whip out his policies and show America that he is up to the task!

And to my critics, such as Hillary Rosen, I offer this – I may not have worked a day in my life, but I know what women go through, thanks to numerous viewings of assorted reality shows, and of course, the engrossing programming of Lifetime Television.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you all soon share my happiness when my husband is elected President of the United States.

Now if you will excuse me, my lawn doesn’t cut itself and Mitt’s car elevators need maintenance, so Consuela and Pedro, get to it.

By clavius42

Newt Gingrich, Kim Jong-un Announce Lack of Credibility Campaign

WASHINGTON, PYONGYANG – The recent bounce of a $500 check by the Gingrich campaign to get on the ballot for the Utah primary, and just hours after an embarrassing launch failure of a rocket in North Korea, a surprising alliance has formed.

“When I heard of the rocket launch finishing prematurely, well first I thought of my campaign, and then I decided that North Korea’s new leader Kim Jong Un and I were sympatico,” Newt Gingrich said in a press conference today. He then announced that if Jong Un was agreeable, Gingrich would nominate him as his running mate, because in his words “it would be a nation defining step toward better relations, and a less than silent cry of desperation.”

Kim Jong Un tweeted his interest of the new campaign, but asked, “dude! What’s ‘sympatico’?”

The GOP and certain members of the North Korean military establishment expressed their shock and astonishment for the bold move – now labeled the “Lack of Credibility Campaign” – but agreed that this would solidify relations between the two countries, until such time as either or both would bomb each other.

In not so whatever related news, artist makes George Zimmerman mug shot out of Skittles; candy only hope of defense for alleged shooter…

By clavius42

Creators of Instagram Introduce Rotary Phone App for Smart Phones

After their historic billion dollar sale to Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, the creators of the smart phone app Instagram are not resting on their laurels. “Not only do we have a new product in mind, but we also have no idea what laurels are.”

The innovators of the popular app Instagram, which allows users to alter photos taken on their phones to look like vintage photographs, will be rolling out the new RetroRotary app, which simulates a rotary phone. “Users are forced to dial people’s phone numbers by putting their finger on the dial and spinning it to the selected numbers to make a call. It’s an innovation whose time has come, just like an app that makes your photos look like crappy amateur images.”

Polaroid has also expressed interest in working with iPhone and Android on a concept that they feel “is the next logical step.” A special feature for the next series of smart phones will be the ability to take Polaroid pictures right from the phone. “We have the technology to print out Polaroid quality pictures that develop straight from the phone. Now we just need a bunch of poor bastards to think it’s a good idea…”

In somewhat related news, studies show 30% of internet traffic is pornography, while 70% is attributed to bitching about it…

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

ExxonMobil finances Republicans; new GOP slogan – “The only political party that gives you gas”…

Artist Thomas Kinkade has died; his services will be held in watercolors…

Augusta National Golf Club still refuses to admit women, “and we are still sorry we let that colored boy in…”

Rick Santorum says “we are going to win in Pennsylvania, or at least that’s what I tell myself in my own little world, where I am already President!”

Sarah Palin co-hosted the Today Show.  Did you hear the one about the joke who was on the morning show?

Ashton Kutcher to play Steve Jobs in film.  Steve Jobs, you just got Punk’d…

 

Found this great story and I’m texting it to my friend!
What I have so far is:

Call me Ishmael

By clavius42