Top Ten Romney Campaign Slogans

10. He’s not a birther, but one pays him on T.V.!

9. He’s a Conservative Conservative!

8. For a future that might include you!

7. Not only will he stand by America, he will plan to buy America!

6. Join him on his car elevator to the top!

5. Corporations are people, and you can be too!

4. He’ll do what he can for jobs to put food on his table!

3. He will give America his two cents, then change his views on a dime!

2. Now taking volunteers for Vice President!

and the Number One Romney Campaign Slogan…

1. He’s 1% for America, and 99% for the job creators!

THIS JUST IN!

Romney won’t repudiate Trump on “birther” issue, because “his money’s just as good as the other poor schmucks who fund me…”

Universal Studios introduces “Transformers” ride – “It duplicates the movie experience, in that people are sickened and want to throw up…”

Canadian officials predict that applications for citizenship will skyrocket if Mitt Romney is elected…

Snooki admits she’s disappointed in her baby’s sex; Snooki’s baby admits he’s disappointed in choice of mother…

So excited! Just bought some stock in Facebook!!!

What??? Why is everyone laughing???

Donald Trump Endorses Romney – “He Would Make A Great Vice President”

NEW YORK – After much speculation in the political media, former presidential candidate and host of Celebrity Apprentice Donald Trump has accepted nominee Mitt Romney’s possible proposal for Trump to become his running mate.

“When he makes the announcement, I will be more than happy to serve as President of the United States to his position as my Vice President. We have the same traits, as in we are both wealthy, can’t stand the poor, and enjoy firing people.”

Mitt Romney’s advisors, after hearing of Trump’s plan, wished to clarify that “Romney is still running for President, and has not made any formal announcement regarding Trump.” “Trump is, in the words of Conservative columnist George Will, a ‘bloviating ignoramus’, and he is also a ‘birther’,” said one of Romney’s top advisors. “But as you know, Romney being Romney, he will probably change his mind next week.”

When asked for a rebuttal, Donald Trump’s special advisors recommended that Romney reconsider, in that “if Romney does indeed ask Mr. Trump to be his running mate, his ego simply would not stand for just being Vice President.”

“His hairpiece would also have a considerable problem with it,” added the advisor.

A Commentary

They’re good-hearted, hard-working individuals who raise families, provide for them, and teach them ideals that will help their children become the best they will be.

They fight for our country and preserve the freedoms that we hold dear.

They’re America’s homosexuals.

You may know them, even work with them every day, and not even know.
But ask yourself – why does it matter?

Do homosexuals wish to ostracize heterosexuals? Do they bully them in school, send death threats, or even torture and kill them?

If marriage is indeed about two people joining together to live the rest of their lives in love, does it matter what sexual preference they have?

Through history, people have been tortured, raped, hanged and shot simply because they had different religious beliefs or skin colors. They may have been good people, but in the eyes of many, that did not matter. If their perceptions of the Bible said that these groups were unholy, they felt that it was their responsibility to rid the world of their kind.

What these people still haven’t figured out is if they feel that the Bible’s words are sound and infallible, then women should not have any rights or privileges of men.

So what does it boil down to? Simple. A group of people hating another group of people, and for no other reason than they are a different group of people.

Maybe people should start judging people of different sexual preferences and skin colors not on what they are, but what they do.

Perhaps someday we will all live up to the civil in civilization.

THIS JUST IN!

U.S. Postal Service to close or consolidate 140 sites. More news in 6-8 weeks…

Survey says nearly 50% see Facebook “fading away” over time. Click “Like” if you agree…

Severe allergies at an all time high – phlegm at eleven…

Baz Luhrmann’s 3D The Great Gatsby trailer premieres. In related news, F. Scott Fitzgerald throws up in mouth, rolls over in grave…

North Carolina minister condemns homosexuality, cites Bible; no evidence in Bible found concerning homosexuality, or credibility of minister…

Lady Gaga unsure if she will perform in Indonesia amidst protests; many unsure of what she does is music amidst common sense…

 

 

GOP Blames Obama for Facebook IPO Failure

NEW YORK – After yesterday’s failure of what was anticipated to be the financial event of the year, the GOP announced that they are placing the blame fully on President Obama.

Presidential nominee Mitt Romney said today that “if the President had concentrated on the Wall Street crisis, instead of focusing his strengths on the gay marriage issue, this kind of presidential sloppiness wouldn’t have happened. It just goes to show you that the President is out of touch with America. Also, he was born in Kenya. And he’s friends with Jeremiah Wright. There! Did I cover everything? Now will someone please be my Vice President?”

There is also speculation that Obama may not have had anything to do with it. Sources say that Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg had solicited financial advice from JP Morgan Chase chairman Jamie Dimon. Mr. Zuckerberg had no comment, but it has been confirmed that shortly after the debacle, Dimon changed his Facebook status.

“It’s a clear indicator that Romney will defeat Obama,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “If history has taught us anything, it is that these kinds of shady financial dealings should only be in the hands of the Republican party.”

In somewhat related news, Ron Paul says he will not be pulling out of the presidential race, but has confirmed he has successfully escaped from reality…

The UnOfficial UnGuide to Plusisms and other terms related to Google+

Plusisms – words that imply something to do with Google+. Also a common medical disorder as in “if you don’t eat better, there’s a good chance you’ll have a plusism…”

Circle Me! – like Friend Me on Facebook or Follow Me on Twitter, but less creepy. Think of it as a group hug.

Circles – categories for organizing your social network. See: Levels of Hell, Dante

Comment – respond to a post with your own thoughts to show people how clever you are, or dispute their claims that you are not as clever as you are.

Comments – a list of responses to a post added by various Plussers. Also, a contest conducted by posters to see who can fill up your entire stream with 60 or more comments.

Disable comments – prevent Plussers from adding comments to a post. Use this if you’re not a big fan of contests.

Extended Circles – the circles of people who are in your circles. Basically like a huge gathering of several family reunions. Feel free to crash them all.

Games button – Google’s latest deterrent for conversations and other social interactions.

Games in Google+ – The Devil. See above.

Google+ – Google Plus, Google’s social networking project. Duh.

Hangout – an online gathering via video conferencing technology. Usually plagued by assorted bugs preventing from people actually interacting with each other.

Hangouts on Air – special video conferencing gathering that people can broadcast live for the five people who are interested in watching it on YouTube. note: Not to be confused with Hangouts on Ice

Notifications – updates you receive on other Plussers activity. Also known as surveillance. Also see: stalking

Photos button – displays a gallery of photos from people in your circles, most of which are annoying “LOLcat” images.

Plus, +1 – recommend other people’s comments or posts to someone, or just to kill time.

Plusser(s) – people, companies (which are also people apparently), etc. sharing things on Google+ i.e. other poor schmucks like you.

Profile – information about you that other people can see. Like a work resume, in that you should make up lots of stuff about yourself.

Share – repost an item originally posted by someone else i.e. love that LOL cat image! Think I’ll spread the hate!

Spam – a canned precooked meat product. See: Ewww

Stream – a stream with items shared by all of your circles. Also near impossible to keep up with most of the time.

Tag – tagging embarrassing photos of your friends for all to see. Also, a good way to lose the aforementioned friends.

Thumbnail image – a small preview version of a photo.

Thumbnail video – a small preview version of a video.

Thumbnail – The nail on your thumb that you can take images of or film a video of.

Trending – An online disease which has spread from Twitter to Google Plus. Avoid at all costs #youhavebeenwarned

Troll – a supernatural being in Norse mythology and Scandinavian folklore. Also, a real asshole on the Internet.

Webcam – an Internet-enabled camera connected to a computer. Perfect for showing people what you really look like. Not recommended, unless of course you’re actually wearing clothes while posting.

White space – special feature of the new Google Plus design.

Fox News Channel Canceled After Fifteen Seasons

Today, among many announcements of shows given the axe by NBC, ABC, and CBS, such as Harry’s Law and GCB, Fox has decided to cancel the 24 hour news network Fox News after a record breaking fifteen seasons.

“People were tuning in, hoping for the satire of The Onion News Network, or even the ridiculousness of CNN, and we just had to keep telling them that it was an actual news network. But alas, no one was buying it, and eventually interest has waned,” said one Fox executive.

Television critics had long been berating Fox News for “paper thin characters, outrageous plot developments, and a sheer lack of quality.” “I do, however salute the performers,” one critic said. “It takes some real talent to deliver that dialogue and not break out into uncontrollable laughter.”

Making way for the new Fall season, the “Fox News 24 Hour News Network” will be replaced by test patterns and infomercials, which have been suggested because they seem to have more substance.

“But just to clarify,” a representative for Fox explained, “the infomercials will now be for cheap useless products, not conservative politicians. Sorry for the confusion.”

THIS JUST IN!

Romney insists he doesn’t recall bullying incident but admits he did “stupid things in high school”, because he “still does stupid things…”

Bristol Palin voices views on traditional marriage; in related news, irony has just gone out the window…

Fox News’ Shep Smith applauds Obama for support of gay marriage; in related news, Fox News looking for new anchor…

Earliest Mayan calendar shows no hint of world ending, but does show first illustrations of swimsuit models…

Limbaugh launches Facebook campaign “Rush Babes for America”, almost went with “Skanks of the Tea Party”…

After months of speculation, Demi Moore finally changes her Twitter name. In related news, many Twitter users asked to get a life…

Santorum Endorses Romney, Sea Monkeys, Tab Cola

WASHINGTON – Today Rick Santorum issued a press statement clarifying that, in addition to endorsing Mitt Romney as presidential candidate for the GOP, he also endorses the popular creatures known as Sea Monkeys, and the soft drink of the ’70’s, Tab Cola.

“I believe that all of these items are equal in validity,” said Santorum. “I fully support all of them, and wish most of them the best success in their endeavors. I would also like to add that Sea Monkeys are real, and a provision should be made for them in the Paul Ryan budget plan.”

When asked to explain further his endorsement for Mitt Romney, he replied, “I can’t comment on the new presidential hopeful without mentioning Sea Monkeys and Tab Cola.”

Critics of Santorum have voiced their concerns with the sincerity of his endorsement of Romney. “To lump Romney in with two archaic items is just crazy. But then again, we are talking about Santorum.”

Sources close to Santorum say that he is defending his decisions, and in no way intends malice toward Romney in defeating him. They claim that the triple endorsement expresses his true feelings “toward each product”.

In related news, Michele Bachmann changed her opinion of Mitt Romney, in her words, “keeping with the Romney campaign…”