THIS JUST IN!

Mohammed Morsi sworn in as Egypt’s president – “If you’re not a woman, or from Israel or America, I have your best interests in mind…”

Terrified Katie Holmes files for divorce from Tom Cruise – “There’s a reason Tom doesn’t seem to age…”

Charlie Sheen says he’s drinking again. People surprised by news at a steady 0.01 %.

Nothing says “potentially life-threatening, destructive storm” like “Debby”…

Gay conservative group endorses Mitt Romney; Hispanic Teachers for Elites may be up next…

Romney – “Obama should’ve been a governor before president”; MA citizens – “Mitt should’ve been a governor before running for president…”

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By clavius42

Fox News and CNN Neck in Neck for Misinforming Viewers

After yesterday’s ruling by the Supreme Court upholding President Obama’s  Affordable Healthcare Act, viewers of Fox News and CNN are still skeptical.

“First they said that it was ruled unconstitutional, then they reported that it was upheld instead – I will wait until they give me a definitive answer,” said one viewer of Fox News, “because if I wanted to decide for myself, I would be watching another 24 hour news network.”

In a recent poll, CNN almost tied with Fox News in the number of idiots who say they get their news from either network.

Regarding the ruling, Mitt Romney wished to clarify that while he created the basis of the act, as President he would work to repeal it, because, in his words, “it’s unconstitutional until I change my mind.  In which case, I am fully prepared to take credit for it.”

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said this about John Roberts – “my colleague and I clearly don’t see eye to eye, which begs the question – is John Roberts a spy for the Liberals?  I’m sure that Glenn Beck also has my concern.”

In related news, Rick Perry says that he will figure out his concerns with The Affordable Care Act as early as 2014…

By clavius42

Top Ten Possible Sequels to “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”

10.  Winston Churchill: Zombie Slayer 

9.  Joan of Arc: Spirit Stalker

8.  Neil Armstrong: Martian Manhunter

7.  Julius Caesar: Demon Exterminator

6.  Galileo: Star Destroyer

5.  Albert Einstein: Werewolf Chaser

4.  Thomas Jefferson: Monster Masher

3.  Alexander the Great Witch Slayer

2.  Richard Nixon: Ghost Hunter

and the Number One Possible Sequel to AL:VH

1.  Mitt Romney: Hope Killer

By clavius42

GOP Prepared To Destroy Earth To Prevent Obama’s Second Term

WASHINGTON – Today House Speaker John Boehner remarked during a session of Congress that, “speaking for my party, we are fully prepared to let the world end to keep Barack Obama from having a second term as President of the United States.”

“If we all join in and ensure the ultimate destruction of our species, at least Obama will not be President,” said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  “That has been my goal since he was elected, and will be until the day I die, which contrary to various reports, was not in fact several years ago.”

Many critics have pointed out that if the GOP carries out their plan for the doom of the human race, there will be no government or anyone to preside.  “That’s beside the point,” responded presidential nominee Mitt Romney.  “And at least there will be no big government!”

Fox News has announced that they will start a Summer campaign called “The End Is Nigh If We Have Anything To Do With It,” headed by Rush Limbaugh and former host and inmate Glenn Beck.  Beck commented, “the end of the world is just what I have been talking about for years, and now that it just might happen, and the party I support will be responsible – I’m in an uncharted state of bliss.”

In related news, a recent poll conducted suggests that if Mitt Romney is elected, people say it will be the end of the world…

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

Katy Perry to star in new comic book, or as she puts it, “going back to where I came from”…

Military drone mistaken for U.F.O. in D.C.; In related news, Congress mistaken for governing body…

Glenn Beck signs $100 million radio contract, gives hope to mental patients nationwide…

Today is National Flip Flop Day. Or as it will be known from now on, Mitt Romney Day.

Jersey Shore back for sixth season, which means there is still an audience for the show, which doesn’t bode well for our species…

Life before social networks…

MAN: Feeding my cat before I head off to the gym!

STRANGER: Why are you telling me???

By clavius42

Wisconsin Joins Arizona and North Carolina To Form “Axis of Stupid”

After Governor Scott Walker’s landslide victory in Wisconsin, the GOP has issued a press statement saying that “the plan is finally complete”.  They are referring to the triple threat to common sense known now as the three states which form the “Axis of Stupid”, which is comprised of Arizona, North Carolina, and most recently, Wisconsin.

“Immigration, homosexuals, and now education,” said House Speaker John Boehner today.  “We are telling Americans to make way for a new generation of morons, and moronic behavior.  History will show nothing, because it will no longer be learned.”

The Tea Party and Fox News have also joined forces to organize a new campaign calling for the “backwardization” of the nation.

The word, coined by Sarah Palin, refers to the reverent desire, in one organizer’s words, to “go back to old fashioned values, when men were men, women were not important, and anyone who disagreed with us were shot.  It’s not that we are prejudiced against African Americans, gays, and foreigners.  It’s just that we feel we are right to be.”

In related news, Canadians are expressing deep concerns regarding overcrowding by Americans wishing to emigrate in the next year…

By clavius42

Mayor of Amercia Approves Romney Bid For His Town

Today the local mayor of a small border town in Mexico said that he would be retiring soon, and if Mitt Romney wanted to run “my Amercia, he is welcome to it.”

“Amercia is not as impressive as running an entire nation,” said Mayor Holan Juan, but if the Republican presidential nominee would prefer our humble town, so be it.  He won’t have to deal with much, as long as he has a good relationship with the Mexican people.”

A campaign coordinator for Romney declined to comment on Mayor Juan’s proposal, and was also reported to apply the palms of his hands to his face.  Rumor also has it that the person responsible for the misspelling on the smart phone app was recently in hiding with George Zimmerman.

Persons polled recently have voiced their opinions, however, of the possible election of Romney as Amercia’s mayor.  An overwhelming result of the poll indicated that a good portion of Americans approve.  “As far as we are concerned, they can have him,” wrote one person.

In related news, due to more spelling glitches, Mitt Romney’s campaign advisors have recalled several “Vitriol Against Obama” banners…

By clavius42

After Monitoring Television and Social Networks, Aliens Cancel Historic “First Contact”

BETELGEUSE – Plans for the much anticipated “first contact” with alien intelligence have been quickly canceled after the aliens in question concluded their analysis of our species by watching hours of television and anonymously joining Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus.

“Hey, don’t get us wrong,” said a representative of the Klaxons, in a translated transmission, “we were all very excited to meet a new species and perhaps learn from them.  But after watching this crap, and seeing how you communicate with each other, we have concluded that we have absolutely nothing to learn from you.  Call us in a few million years.”

Harold Faltermeyer, head of SETI (Search for Extra-terrestrial Intelligence), expressed his disappointment, but admitted that he was sympathetic to the aliens’ wishes.  “The Kardashians, Jersey Shore, Fox News, the presidential race – if I were an alien species I sure as hell wouldn’t come here!”

“Here’s an example,” said the Klaxon leader Horst, “I joined Facebook earlier this month, and immediately was flooded by things called “memes”, total strangers sending me “Friend” requests, and people telling me about their problems!  In my humble but superior opinion, the whole world could use a good therapy session!”

“And don’t get me started on how you treat each other,” added Horst.  “If you species ever have the revelation that nothing good has ever come from violence toward each other, or discrimination for diversity – particularly for religious reasons, it will be a cold day in Enoch.  Enoch, people, which is a fire planet, unlike Hell, which doesn’t exist!  Wake up, species!”

The Klaxon High Council also wished to express their concerns for the people of Earth regarding their fascination with celebrity.  An encrypted message recently deciphered simply read, “get a life”.

By clavius42