BETELGEUSE – Plans for the much anticipated “first contact” with alien intelligence have been quickly canceled after the aliens in question concluded their analysis of our species by watching hours of television and anonymously joining Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus.
“Hey, don’t get us wrong,” said a representative of the Klaxons, in a translated transmission, “we were all very excited to meet a new species and perhaps learn from them. But after watching this crap, and seeing how you communicate with each other, we have concluded that we have absolutely nothing to learn from you. Call us in a few million years.”
Harold Faltermeyer, head of SETI (Search for Extra-terrestrial Intelligence), expressed his disappointment, but admitted that he was sympathetic to the aliens’ wishes. “The Kardashians, Jersey Shore, Fox News, the presidential race – if I were an alien species I sure as hell wouldn’t come here!”
“Here’s an example,” said the Klaxon leader Horst, “I joined Facebook earlier this month, and immediately was flooded by things called “memes”, total strangers sending me “Friend” requests, and people telling me about their problems! In my humble but superior opinion, the whole world could use a good therapy session!”
“And don’t get me started on how you treat each other,” added Horst. “If you species ever have the revelation that nothing good has ever come from violence toward each other, or discrimination for diversity – particularly for religious reasons, it will be a cold day in Enoch. Enoch, people, which is a fire planet, unlike Hell, which doesn’t exist! Wake up, species!”
The Klaxon High Council also wished to express their concerns for the people of Earth regarding their fascination with celebrity. An encrypted message recently deciphered simply read, “get a life”.