Top Ten Highlights of Olympics Opening Ceremony

10.  “Tribute to Crumpets”

9.  Army of Mary Poppins attacking inflatable Mitt Romney *

8.  Rowan Atkinson single-handedly stealing entire show

7.  Doctor Who appears, takes everyone back in time in TARDIS to rewrite opening ceremony show

6.  People actually believing that the Queen jumped from helicopter

5.  Surprise performance by The Black-eyed Peas

4.  Authentic sulphur smell creating massive vomiting in audience

3.  Kenneth Branagh getting paid to walk around

2.  Paul McCartney’s audio pulled due to curfew

and the Number One Highlight of the Olympics Opening Ceremony

1.  The giant baby head turns out to be Danny Boyle’s

* That was Voldemort?  Yeah right

Advertisements
By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

Leaked opening to Mitt Romney’s speech to Israel – “Thank you, thank you. Two Jews walk into a bar…”

A 40-foot Voldemort battling 30 Mary Poppins. They were clearly taking a cue from our Super Bowl half-time shows…

“Obama doesn’t appreciate our Anglo-Saxon heritage…” Spoken like a true Cro-Magnon.

Newsweek plans to end print edition this fall, but annoying paper inserts will still be included…

“Kumare” is a documentary about a fake guru. So if it makes money, is it false profit?

Fred Willard, I think you took the term “hand over fist” literally…

By clavius42

NEWSOSPHERE EXCLUSIVE! Transcript by Fox News of Obama Speech


Fox News recently reported on a recent speech delivered by President Obama.  This is the transcript.
note: The Mitt Romney campaign will be utilizing this for upcoming ads.

“I hate…America.  Even the Muppets…support socialism.  Big businesses, they didn’t get to where they were without…death panels.  My vision is…a dark future for our society.  In Aurora Colorado, people demonstrated…heroes…aren’t job creators!  The American people…they don’t want…justice.  We as a nation should rebuild…to create a job crisis!
Now Congress shouldn’t be…the enemy!  They should instead be…the Devil…Gay marriage…is the cornerstone of our society!
Tyranny…and injustice…in our lifetime.  This is my promise.  Thank you, God Bless…America?”

By clavius42

Kim Kardashian Heartbroken Over Kim Jong-un’s Wife Announcement

 

 

LOS ANGELES – Many people were shocked but thrilled to discover that Ri Sol-ju, the woman who had been accompanying North Korean leader Kim Jong-un recently, was indeed his wife.  “Dudes,” Jong-un said in a tweet today, “she is totally my soulmate! XD”  He has since then changed his Facebook status accordingly.

One person who did not share the enthusiasm was celebrity-for-being-a celebrity Kim Kardashian.  “When I heard the news, I had to call the North Korean consulate to make sure the news was true!  Well, I didn’t actually call the consulate, but I did call a guy I know, who’s North Korean.  Well, he may not be North Korean, but he’s definitely Asian!”

It has not been revealed when exactly that the union was consummated, but sources say that the rocket misfire incident earlier this year was actually a failed attempt to impress Sol-ju.  “I figured, the whole ‘wedding ring at the restaurant’ thing had been done to death, and nobody had thought of a military rocket test.”

But it was the misfire that caught Kardashian’s attention.  “I saw that and said, Kim’s the man for me!  That would have been so cool if that happened on my show.  It’s just the kind of ridiculous bungle that I’m known for!”

When informed that Tom Cruise was recently divorced, Kim Kardashian’s spirits were not lifted.  “Sure, it’s not a question of money – I can afford Scientology.  But even though I am vapid, I’m not batshit crazy…”

In related news, Kristen Stewart has admitted to cheating on Robert Pattinson, but as recent films have shown, the person was clearly not an acting teacher…

 

 

By clavius42

NRA Prepares for Explosion of Common Sense

After the horrific shootings in Aurora, Colorado, leading members of the National Rifle Association are telling their members to brace themselves for the worst, particularly an unstoppable flood of common sense when it comes to gun laws.

“We pride ourselves on our preparation for and handling of anything, usually by shooting it, but this incident may possibly persuade people to reconsider their attitudes about guns, and we can’t have that,” said a NRA representative.  “Luckily, we have donated to several unnamed Super PACs to make sure it doesn’t happen.”

The GOP in particular is feeling the heat as well.  “Common sense has been  rearing its ugly head lately, and our party is taking a big hit from it.  But it has always been our enemy, so this is nothing new.”

“Oh sure, people will say that this tragic event is just another reason why stronger gun laws should be implemented, but if people with mental issues were investigated more thoroughly, our party’s numbers would drop severely.”

Rush Limbaugh said recently that the Bane character in the new Batman movie The Dark Knight Rises is just a Liberal attack on the possible corruption tied to Mitt Romney and Bain Capital.  “But the mere idea that people would rethink their views on gun control in the aftermath of the shootings – well, that’s just crazy…”

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

Chick-fil-A changes slogan to “Eat Mor Chickin Unless Yur Gay”…

Think The Stepford Wives was fiction? Explain Ann Romney.

Sean Hannity interviewing George Zimmerman. Credibility has just left the building…

Mad Men, American Horror Story lead Emmy nominations, also two phrases that describe Congress…

Ann Romney says “we’ve given all you people need to know.” Raise your hand if you’re looking forward to her being the First Lady!

Driving by a business, saw the sign, didn’t catch the name, looked at it again. It was called “Doubletake”. Good business.

By clavius42

Top Ten Reasons Romney Won’t Release Returns *

10. Will reveal relationship with Gotti family

9. All “i'”s in returns are dotted with little red hearts

8. Because Joseph Smith told him not to

7. Invested in Book of Mormon musical before seeing it

6. Because no one has said the magic word

5. Used prize horse as dependent

4. Failed plan for car garage dealership

3. Retroactively released them when he was at Bain Capital

2. It would pull focus from life-time plan to never disclose anything

and the Number One Reason Romney Won’t Release Returns

1. His plan to use American people as a deduction

 

 

* Yes, two of these in one day – sue me.

By clavius42

Top Ten “The Dark Knight Rises” Spoilers

10. Commissioner Gordon is actually Sirius Black

9. Anne Hathaway performs tribute to Halle Berry

8. Bat Tumbler found to have created pollution problem in Gotham

7. The Avengers make surprise appearance, ensuring that movie will make 2 billion worldwide

6. Bane reveals checkered past in investment firm

5. Bruce Wayne starts SuperPAC for Batman

4. Alfred opens can of whoop ass on henchmen

3. Lucius Fox retroactively outsourced by Bain Capital

2. Ryan Reynolds cameos as Green Lantern, booed by Gotham (and movie audiences)

and the Number One The Dark Knight Rises Spoiler…

1.  It’s a musical!

By clavius42

Arizona Investigators Say Obama Birth Certificate Fake, Not Taken Seriously Because They’re in Arizona

PHOENIX, AZ (Duh) – Today investigators for Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio declared that President Obama’s birth certificate is “definitely fraudulent”.  “It is, in fact, a computer-generated forgery,” said chief investigator Mike Zullo.  “This is more proof that Obama was retroactively  groomed for the presidency as early as his childhood.”

The supposed bombshell would have created a larger impact, many political experts say, if the information wasn’t coming from people living in Arizona. “Credibility is no longer associated with a good portion of the populace, but you have to admit, at least these batshit crazy theories aren’t just coming out of Rush Limbaugh’s and Glenn Beck’s mouths, so kudos for the variety.”

“I’m pretty sure Mitt Romney would not be popular with these investigators, as his father was born in Mexico,” said a top Obama advisor.  “But I’m sure that, if they looked really hard, that they could find evidence that he was instead born in Hawaii…”

Mitt Romney’s campaign declined to comment on the investigators’ findings, only to say that “if they had worked for Bain Capital, Romney would not have had them outsourced…”

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

Charlie Sheen quits Twitter, but like everything he says he quits, he’ll start using it again…

Romney says he “won’t apologize for being a successful businessman, or anything else, but I am willing to take credit for it…”

Rick Santorum says VP candidate must be pro-life, anti-reality…

According to the biography of Steve Jobs, he didn’t like to bathe. Which explains all the teleconferences…

Dear Daniel Tosh… Jokes about rape aren’t funny. No, you’re not funny either.

Nothing makes me click on another trailer quicker than seeing “Kevin James” over the title…

 

My suggestions as to what to put in the SuperCollider next?

Mitt Romney.   The Kardashians.  Gretchen, Steve and Brian.  Ashton Kutcher.  Rush Limbaugh.

Don’t tell me they won’t all fit.  Okay, Rush may be a problem…

By clavius42