LOS ANGELES – Many people were shocked but thrilled to discover that Ri Sol-ju, the woman who had been accompanying North Korean leader Kim Jong-un recently, was indeed his wife. “Dudes,” Jong-un said in a tweet today, “she is totally my soulmate! XD” He has since then changed his Facebook status accordingly.
One person who did not share the enthusiasm was celebrity-for-being-a celebrity Kim Kardashian. “When I heard the news, I had to call the North Korean consulate to make sure the news was true! Well, I didn’t actually call the consulate, but I did call a guy I know, who’s North Korean. Well, he may not be North Korean, but he’s definitely Asian!”
It has not been revealed when exactly that the union was consummated, but sources say that the rocket misfire incident earlier this year was actually a failed attempt to impress Sol-ju. “I figured, the whole ‘wedding ring at the restaurant’ thing had been done to death, and nobody had thought of a military rocket test.”
But it was the misfire that caught Kardashian’s attention. “I saw that and said, Kim’s the man for me! That would have been so cool if that happened on my show. It’s just the kind of ridiculous bungle that I’m known for!”
When informed that Tom Cruise was recently divorced, Kim Kardashian’s spirits were not lifted. “Sure, it’s not a question of money – I can afford Scientology. But even though I am vapid, I’m not batshit crazy…”
In related news, Kristen Stewart has admitted to cheating on Robert Pattinson, but as recent films have shown, the person was clearly not an acting teacher…