Dear Readers

Hello.

As you know, I write The Newsosphere.
It’s a satire blog covering everything from politics to celebrity.
My articles have been featured in numerous publications and websites.
Okay, that last part was complete bullshit.
No really, I haven’t been published anywhere.
Seriously.
Oh fine, go ahead.  Google it.  Rub it in, why don’t you.
Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have read my blog and commented on it.  It means a lot to me.  Even if some of you still think I’m sharing posts from The Onion.  All is forgiven.  Really.
But most of all, I would like to thank a special group of individuals who I owe a debt of gratitude for making sure that I have an infinite source of material.
The Republican Party.
You guys are my comedy champions.  And you do it so effortlessly.  You couldn’t make up some of the stuff you guys say.  Well, you could, but that would be unethical.
Sometimes I just post what you say verbatim – you’re that good.
So please keep up the good work, because let’s face it – if you guys start making sense, or even come up with a logical plan, satirists like me will be limited to covering the exploits of Kardashians, or even worse, Snooki’s.

My best regards to the GOP,
Glenn

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By clavius42

Paul Ryan Proposes Ban on Fact Checking

TAMPA – After the wrap up of the Republican National Convention this week, VP pick Paul Ryan said that “when Romney is elected, I will propose a nationwide ban on fact checking”.

After being accused of fabricating many details in his speech earlier this week, Ryan held a press conference today.  “What is a lie but an abstract truth?” he said.  “If you support our ticket, the best percentage of truth you will get is 20% tops.  And I would like to clarify that some of my words, including various articles and nouns, were used factually.  To say that I deceived the American public with half-truths and unsubstantiated claims – well, what did you expect from the GOP?”

Many supporters of the Romney/Ryan campaign weighed in with their thoughts.  “Manipulating language and making outrageous claims is our God-given right, not to mention our Constitutional right,” said chairman Reince Priebus, “under laws we intend to propose when we win the presidency.”

Ryan continued the discussion of his plan for banning fact-checking by also requesting that new legislation be passed that would prevent children from exceeding a third grade reading level, in accordance with “guidelines already used by members of the GOP”.

In related news, the furniture for the set of “Fox & Friends” will be replaced with the Fox News writers who disputed Ryan’s convention speech…

By clavius42

Rambling Old Guy at RNC Convention Not McCain, Sources Say

TAMPA – On the last night of the Republican National Committee convention, a surprise guest was introduced, who talked to a chair and rambled mostly incoherently.  Sources have confirmed, however, that it was not John McCain.

“If it was McCain, the speech would have been more believable,” said one source.  “But it was, in fact, Clint Eastwood.”

Attendees of the convention, including national media, suggested several possibilities, including the idea that Clint Eastwood was performing a segment of a one man show about McCain.  But a representative for Eastwood confirmed that no show was in the works.

When asked for a comment by the Romney campaign, an adviser was unable to say anything, as he was still incredibly hung over from the mass quantities of alcohol he had consumed during Eastwood’s speech.  He did offer one thought, however.  “I kinda wish it had been McCain,” he said.

Eastwood, a member of several organizations, including Old Farts Who Should Wrap it Up, said that he could explain the words he delivered, “if I could remember them”.

In related news, Mitt Romney accepted the official nomination for President of the United States, and revealed that “now is the time for America to turn the page, and also for me to finally and actually start coming up with the plans I have been talking about…”

By clavius42

Wednesday RNC Highlights

Republicans play tribute video to Ron Paul – “he demonstrated some logic and common sense, and for that, he will be forgotten…”

Jan Brewer accidentally endorses Obama at convention – “just like anything I say that may be credible, that won’t happen again…”

John McCain: If you can’t vote for me, settle for Mitt Romney!

Condoleezza Rice calls for “compassionate” immigration policy at RNC; GOP members scramble to find out what “compassionate” means.

Not a shock: Paul Ryan lies in his RNC speech!

Quite a shock: Fox News calls him on it!

Tim Pawlenty calls Obama “tattoo president”-“He’s like that thing you get stuck with, but can’t get rid of. Sorry, I misspoke. That’s me.”

Romney will give his acceptance speech Thursday – advisors say “it could go either way, unless of course he opens his mouth…”

By clavius42

Ann Romney: Get to Know Mitt, But Don’t Ask Him Anything

TAMPA – Tuesday Ann Romney delivered her much anticipated speech to the audience of the Republican National Convention.  It was her chance to sing the praises of her husband and official GOP nominee, Mitt Romney.

“Tonight I want to talk to you about love,” she said, “the love I have for my husband, and the love you might eventually have for him as President of the United States.  Sure, he’s suffered some recent bumps, but if you get to know him like I do, he will do America proud.  Just don’t ask him any questions.”

When news sources asked Mrs. Romney to elaborate, she explained that “it’s very simple, people.  Don’t ask him for anything.  He knows how to help America.  Trust me.  That’s all you people need to know.”

Mitt Romney responded by saying, “I would like to thank my wife for saying what I have been trying to tell America – when it comes to my job record or my tax returns, it’s better if you didn’t know.”

Chris Christie also delivered a rousing speech Tuesday, praising Romney and his accomplishments.  “Actually, I was referring to my own accomplishments,” explained Christie. “I know Mitt can fix our problems, and I am fully prepared to solve all of them.  It’s a question of leadership.  Oh, and his too.”

Ann Romney concluded her speech by saying, “today I speak to you as a wife, a mother, and a supporter of dressage.  In those terms, America is Rafalca, and Mitt is the rider who seems like he’s not moving at all.  But he is, and given the chance, he will mount America and ride her for all it’s worth…”

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

Convention admission for Ann Romney’s “A Dialogue with Average Middle-Class Women” will be $5,000…

RNC spokesman clarifies Sarah Palin was invited to convention, “just not this one or any future ones”…

This just in- Snooki gives birth to healthy bronzed baby…

Katie Couric’s new show will feature “50 Shades of Grey” author, how-to segment…

Two “Star Wars” films getting 3-D re-release in Fall 2013 – in other words, two more reasons to hate George Lucas…

Mars Rover Curiosity reports that if Romney is elected, it will return instead to little-known Canadian space center…

By clavius42

“2016: Obama’s America” Big Hit with Sheep

The anti-Obama documentary, 2016: Obama’s America, made a very successful $6.2 million at the box office this weekend.  Cinema owners say that most of the ticket buyers were actually herds of sheep.

Based on Conservative author Dinesh D’Souza’s book, “The Roots of Obama’s Rage,” the documentary purports to show what the nation will be like should President Obama be re-elected.  D’Souza, who directed the movie with John Sullivan, is pleased with the response, but wants to make something clear.  “This is not anti-Obama material.  It’s just a way of making people aware of the facts should Obama be re-elected, and the impending apocalypse that might ensue.”

“This film is easily accessible to any ticket buyer, no matter if they’re Conservative or Godless heathen.”

Orrin Agnew, manager of the Cinemark chain of cinemas, says that “sheep of all ages have been coming to see the film.  The thing about sheep – they will pay anything to see anything, and even believe it, even ridiculous fiction like 2016.  Wait…it’s a documentary?  Really?  Ha!”

2016: Obama’s America will be screened this week at the RNC convention in Tampa, along with a heavily edited version of the box-office hit The Hunger Games, focusing mainly on the citizens of the Capitol…

By clavius42

Hurricane Isaac Avoids Tampa After Discovery of RNC Convention

TAMPA – After it was reported that Hurricane Isaac would not hit Tampa as expected, it was discovered that the storm did so because, in its words, “with the RNC convention, people in Tampa have enough things to worry about”.

A spokesman for Isaac added that “it is indeed a force of nature, and can be unpredictable at times, but even possibly destructive weather has scruples.”

The convention should go as planned, with the spotlight on GOP nominee Mitt Romney and VP pick Paul Ryan.  But many big names of the Republican party will not be attending this year’s event, most notably, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, and retiring Rep. Ron Paul.  “This is not a snub in any way,” explained RNC Chairman Reince Priebus.  “None of them could attend because they are preparing forCelebrity Apprentice…”

Plans are under way for the convention when it reconvenes Tuesday.  It has been confirmed that musical guests will be Ted Nugent and Megadeth, and catering will be provided by Chick-fil-a and Papa John’s…

By clavius42

Memo to RNC Attendees (Updated)

DATE: August 25, 2012
FROM: RNC Chairman Reince Priebus @Reince
TO: Interested Parties (i.e. Fox News)
RE: RNC Convention

Due to the severe weather reports for the Tampa Bay area, the Republican National Convention will convene on Monday August 27th and immediately recess until Tuesday afternoon, August 28th, exact time to follow.

Our priority other than blaming this on Obama, is to ensure the safety of delegates, alternates, guests, members of the media (i.e. Fox News) attending the Republican National Convention, and Conservative citizens of the Tampa Bay area (i.e. rich White people).

The Republican National Convention will take place and officially nominate Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, against all of our inner (better) wishes.

NOTE: The Todd Akin science demonstration has been cancelled.
We are instead featuring Sarah Palin. LOL A little RNC joke there!

The Convention staff is working around-the-clock to ensure the delegations housed in storm-impacted areas have alternative housing if needed, and are prepared to kick any person(s) on welfare and/or illegal immigrants out of their homes.  This is storm season, so they should be used to sleeping in shelters by now.

We hope that when the convention reconvenes on Tuesday, the storm will have settled, and the rest of the week goes relatively smooth, that is, unless anyone decides to open their mouths on camera.

Sincerely, (Ha! Another joke there! Zing!)

Reince “Grover” Priebus

By clavius42

IN MEMORIAM

Rest in peace, Neil.

Thanks for making your steps for man and mankind…

August 5, 1930 – August 25, 2012

By clavius42