My fellow Americans, colleagues, and women…
Recently I made a statement saying that victims of legitimate rape cannot biologically become pregnant, and thus do not need access to legal abortions. Imagine my shock when people took this out of context.
I could say that I misspoke, but people forget that I am a member of the House Science and Technology Committee, so bear with me for my explanation.
According to many leading experts, most featured on Fox News, the woman’s body is vastly more different than a man’s body, even more so than when I discovered at age six that my Ken doll had no genitalia. That was quite a shock, let me tell you.
The experts and I agree that there is conclusive and irrefutable proof that when a person of the opposite sex is attacked sexually, a “red alert” system goes off in the abdominal area. Some even argue that if the act is performed in the dark, you can actually see the light. You can look it up on the Internet if you wish. Amazing how people continue to rely on information from a series of tubes.
I want to stress that I do not condone the act of rape, but after much thought, I have concluded that maybe we should just let the female body do its defense thing. If we try to apply too much thought to the prevention of rape, the fear is that someone in my party will come to their senses.
I know my language and controversial views may anger some, but I stand by them. And really, if they were really so misogynistic towards women, how come I’m married? Yeah, I know, can you believe it?
I and my science colleagues have been informed by our party that we must apologize for making such statements, and our next President, Mitt Romney, has distanced himself from what I said. While feeling the need to express regret, I can not in all good conscience fully apologize, because that would compromise my beliefs, rooted in science and logic as they are.
But I do intend to use the entirety of my resources in figuring out that whole stork thing.