THIS JUST IN!

Ann Romney wears leather outfit on Leno, appealing to “mature women who hang out at biker bars” demographic…

Apple CEO Tim Cook apologizes about Maps app – “I would have apologized sooner, but I got lost on the way here…”

Mouth of giant black hole measured for first time, exceeded only by Rush Limbaugh’s…

Second Mona Lisa unveiled for first time in 40 years – “both are identical, except one is lighter than the other, with a larger display…”

Benjamin Netanyahu admits bomb graphic shown at U.N. influenced by top advisor Wile E. Coyote…

Romney says “come Hell or high water, I’m going to win Pennsylvania!”  In related news, the Devil reports flooding…

 

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By clavius42

Romney Advisors Prepare Governor for Debates, Lose Grip on Reality

Preparations have already begun for the upcoming presidential debates, but top advisors for Mitt Romney say that expectations are low.

“We have two things going against us,” said one advisor, “one – Obama is a wonderfully articulate, seasoned speaker, and two – Romney is not.  But we are preparing the Governor for anything, should he feel inclined to open his mouth.”

The Romney camp has already asked organizers of the debates if Mitt could only shake his head or nod as reactions to Obama, and questions asked by the moderators.  They are also looking into “positive and negative grunts”.

“It’s enough to make someone lose their grip on reality,” said one advisor, “but we are confident that Romney will win the debates and be elected President.  Of course, that may be the ‘lost grip on reality’ talking.”

Sources say everything will be done to make Mitt Romney adhere to the following guidelines:

1) Don’t say anything.
2) Don’t walk around aimlessly.
3) Don’t say anything.
4) No platitudes.
5) For God’s sake, don’t say anything.
6) No math.

Sources also say that Ann Romney will be on hand, in case Romney feels inclined to make any responses.  She is prepared to walk onstage, stand by Romney, and tell the moderator or Obama that “that is all you people need to know” and “you don’t know how hard this is”.

In related news, Paul Ryan is being coached by “actual human beings” for his upcoming debate with vice-president Joe Biden.  “It is important that Ryan should be taught how to interact with people in a natural way, because we have totally given up on teaching Romney…”

By clavius42

Replacement Ref Blames His iPhone 5: “I Was On Field, But My Brain Was Lost”

 

After the Seattle/Green Bay game debacle Sunday night, the referee who made the wrong call on Green Bay’s obvious interception blamed his error on Apple’s new iPhone 5.

“Clearly, I was physically on the sidelines during the game,” said the ref, “but according to the Maps app, my brain was somewhere in Melbourne, Australia.  I claim no responsibility for my decision – clearly Apple is the culprit.”

An Apple spokesman was planning to hold a press conference this morning, but so far he has not been heard from, save for a photo supposedly taken on his phone of a member of the Canadian border patrol.

The NFL has been dealing with a lot of heat for their decision to replace professional referees with replacements, some whom had never officiated an actual professional game.  “Does the ‘Girls Gone Wild Jell-O Event’ count?” one ref asked when considered.

Green Bay fans were enraged at the decision made Sunday night, and rumor has it plans are being made to “burn members of the association in effigy”.  The group who would be responsible later clarified that “it’s not the phrase – we want to take them to Effigy, Wisconsin…”

Author note: I would like to say that I am very proud that nowhere in this article did I mention Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, the GOP, or the Tea Party.

Bugger.

By clavius42

Romney Denies Desire to Bomb Iran – “Well, Not Just Iran…”

In response to President Obama’s comment asking if Mitt Romney was planning to bomb Iran if he was elected, Romney’s campaign responded quickly to the accusation.  “The Governor has no plans to bomb Iran at this time.”

Romney called a press conference to clarify what his intentions are.  “If I am elected – and I want to make this perfectly clear – I have no desire to just bomb Iran.  Hey folks, I’ll bomb whoever gets in our way – I’m not picky.”

He also stated that if he had the technological resources, “bin Laden would be alive and kicking, and Iraq would be swarming with American soldiers”.
“It’s not a popular plan, but I didn’t run for President to be popular, as recent polls clearly show.  It’s not a question of reversing everything Obama has done, it’s my need to do so.”

Romney feels that if he is elected, America will go back to old fashioned values.  “I remember the good ol’ days – when wars were started and not finished, women had no rights, and people were ostracized for condemning the President – and that’s why I am appointing Dick Cheney as one of my advisors.  But I won’t be going on any hunting trips with him.”

Paul Ryan responded to Romney’s claims at a rally.  “I won’t say that I am a big fan of what Romney is planning, but I will say that I will be more than happy to replace him when his intentions backfire.  And for that, he gets my full endorsement for President.”

In related news, the GOP was reported to have held a meeting whereupon all members threw their hands up at the same time and then joined in a session of uncontrollable whimpering…

By clavius42

Emmys Insiders Predict Win for Republican National Convention as “Best Comedy Miniseries”

HOLLYWOOD – Among many shows and movies destined for the coveted Emmy award tonight, none have been more anticipated than what insiders call “a definite lock” for the recent Republican National Convention, for “Best Comedy in Miniseries Form”.

“The talent exhibited by many of the guests at the convention was pure  gold,” said Lorne Michaels, producer of Saturday Night Live.  “Usually it takes years to cultivate a group of sure-fire winners, but it was a comedy cornucopia when it came to that convention!”

Standout hilarity highlights sure to garner attention tonight will include Clint Eastwood’s “empty chair discussion”, Jan Brewer accidentally endorsing Obama, and pretty much anything Paul Ryan said.

“I will admit that the weak spot was definitely the speech by Mitt Romney – he didn’t have the timing or delivery that Ryan had, quite frankly,” one Hollywood insider said.  “But knowing the campaign like we do, they’ll probably just cut most of that out – they sure do like to edit things!”

In related news, Comedy Central confessed that “we are doing what we can to stay the leading 24 hour comedy network, but Fox News is definitely formidable competition…”

By clavius42

My Message to You, Mitt Romney, From Me, Sarah Palin

Hello!  You may remember me, the chick from the great state of Wasilla, and maybe you saw me at the convention a few weeks ago?  Oh yeah, never mind about that last one.Sarah Palin here, come to talk to ya about what your campaign really needs.
From one person who gets blasted for stupid things they say to another, I think it’s up to me to put the cards on the table and get down to brass tacks, ’cause the meter’s running high and the sun isn’t shinin’ on ya, dontcha know!My advice to you, Governor Romney, is to go rogue!  Yep, that’s it!  America needs a “come to Jesus” moment, and you’re just the person to do it!  (come to jeezus, mind you, not heysoos – forget about that Hispanic vote)

You’re in hot water with your own party!  It’s time to knuckle down and shout about the true state of our economy!  Believe me, the louder you say it, the more people will ignore what’s really going on.  Trust me on this.

To put this whole thing in historical perspective, you gotta be Moses, comin’ down from Mount Cyanide, delivering those commandments!  The Tea Party writing that Magna Cum Laude, establishing prostitutional law!  You need to sign that Declaration of Codependence, granting equal rights to slaves (on second thought, yeah, forgot about the African-American vote, too)!  You’re Paul Revere and the Raiders, riding those British, ya know, right outta Gettysburg!  ‘Cause of course, the British had the address wrong.

My ancestors created the right to bear arms so I could, ya know, shoot lots of animals.  And John McCain, bless ’em, couldn’t stop the Civil War, but gave ’em a run for their money!  Maybe you can use his example!

Mr. Hopey Changey up there in Washington, he couldn’t even remember how much our national debt is when he was on Letterman!  Even my 10-year-old daughter knows that it’s a trillion something!  Of course, she’s also my financial advisor.  Obama and his cohorts are using dangerous things like facts, even explaining things to people!  Is that what you and Ryan are about?  Nope, I didn’t think so.

Bottom line, Governor Romney, you need to put your foot down, and unleash the pitbulls of war.  Turn this thing around, and show America that you’re taking the horse by the reins, and it’s no more dressage for you!  No sir!  (by the way, had to look that word up – horse dancing, right?  Like that Korean rapper guy?)

Of course, if it doesn’t work out for you in November, just know there’s always a place for you on Fox News, Rely on your allies, like Fox News.  I mean, they have been around for at least two hundred years! They just weren’t on television before it was invented.

And never rule out your own reality T.V. show.  Look what it did for that Honey Boo Boo girl!

Yours respectively,

Sarah Palin, Inc.
(copyright)

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By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

BREAKING: Romney releases tax returns for 2011, promises to release earlier returns as early as never…

Herman Cain says he would have a “substantial lead” over Obama, according to sources in his own little world…

Ed Gillespie says that Romney’s comments at the fundraiser were “taken out of context“. The whole speech???

Mitt Romney uses 1998 Obama speech to distract people from his recent remarks. I believe this ploy is known as “The Palin”…

GOP announces they will be consulting Craigslist for possible alternative candidate…

Lady Gaga debuts meat corset at Amsterdam concert.  As if the meat dress didn’t give her enough credibility…

By clavius42

Fox News Caught in Backwards Time Vortex

It has been recently discovered that the Fox News Network has been inexplicably thrust into a time vortex, sources say.

“This can be the only explanation for their insistence that Mitt Romney’s fundraiser speech took place back in May of this year, but Obama’s comments in 1998 were much more disturbing,” said a media expert.

A representative for Fox News defended their stances, saying that “1998 was practically yesterday, yet May feels like it was fifteen years ago!”

Many in the media have expressed their concerns regarding Fox News frequently, but now that the reason has been found, many fears have been laid to rest.  “That explains a good portion of their backwards thinking,” said NBC anchor Brian Williams.

In an unprecedented show of support, CNN and MSNBC are offering their services to “aid an obviously debilitated 24 hour news network in need of our help”.

“The childishness exhibited by the on-air talent also suggests that their mental ages have been somewhat reversed,” said a medical expert.  “It’s a phenomenon that we have also encountered in the Republican Party.”

In related news, rumors that Fox News was an elaborate prank by Lorne Michaels have been quelled, but some say evidence might suggest otherwise…

By clavius42

Chuck Norris Warns America of Impending Apocalypse if Obama is Re-Elected *

Recently Chuck Norris and his wife Gena released a two-minute YouTube video warning of “1,000 years of darkness if Obama is re-elected”.  “1,000 years of pain and suffering!  That’s equal to a marathon of Walker: Texas Ranger and all of my movies combined!”, he explained.

Norris added that, if the GOP did unseat President Obama in November, he would promise “a Total Gym Workout System to everyone, in lieu of healthcare”.

“It’s my little contribution to a country and political party I hold dear.  I feel that it is my task to promote this important message to America.  It’s your choice – Armageddon, or a new and better way of life.  And by the way, The Expendables 2 is out in theaters now.”

Fox News recently scheduled an entire day of running the video repeatedly, but there was confusion among viewers, as no one could tell it apart from the regular programming.

Norris also said that he would have loved to speak at the recent Republican National Convention, but was relieved when he saw Clint Eastwood already do what Norris had planned.  “Of course, there would have been more butt-kicking,” Mr. Norris added.

In YouTube news, the Chuck Norris video was beat out by videos featuring cats singing Born This Way, a salute to the Emergency Broadcasting System, and Rick Astley’s music video “Never Gonna Give You Up”…

* sometimes the actual headline doesn’t need any embellishment

By clavius42

Romney Cites One Strength As Being “People Person”

Today GOP nominee Mitt Romney went over one of the strengths he feels will get him elected in November.

“If you don’t already know how I would do with foreign policy, just look at my record with the British and the Palestinians,” said Romney.  “And aside from 57% of Americans, I promise to make the other 43% proud.”

“I like the simple things, like blowing money on people I know will give me money.  Saying things then contradicting them later, because they were, of course, taken out of context.  I believe that the American people will eventually warm up to me.  I also believe that, if they don’t, I won’t care.”

House Speaker John Boehner has recommended to the Republican Party that, despite Romney’s claims as a “people person”, measures should be taken.  “We are considering a mandate forcing Mitt to attend a charm school, but so far the schools we have recommended have refused entry to him,” said Boehner.  “But we also have an alternate plan – once Romney is elected, all presidential addresses, indeed all media appearances, will be blacked out.  Also, in an effort to simulate sincerity and likability, we are also considering dubbing his voice with Morgan Freeman’s.”

After several inflammatory remarks were made by Romney recently, VP pick Paul Ryan offered to teach Mitt what he calls “my patented shit-eating grin”.  “It’s worked for me so far, according to sheep polled nationwide.”

In related news, the author of the satire blog The Newsosphere issued a plea to the national media, begging for something else to write about ad nauseam other than about Mitt Romney…

Also in somewhat related news, the author is pretty damn tired of religious uproars over a really crappy short film that has nothing to do with the country it was filmed in…

By clavius42