Today GOP nominee Mitt Romney went over one of the strengths he feels will get him elected in November.
“If you don’t already know how I would do with foreign policy, just look at my record with the British and the Palestinians,” said Romney. “And aside from 57% of Americans, I promise to make the other 43% proud.”
“I like the simple things, like blowing money on people I know will give me money. Saying things then contradicting them later, because they were, of course, taken out of context. I believe that the American people will eventually warm up to me. I also believe that, if they don’t, I won’t care.”
House Speaker John Boehner has recommended to the Republican Party that, despite Romney’s claims as a “people person”, measures should be taken. “We are considering a mandate forcing Mitt to attend a charm school, but so far the schools we have recommended have refused entry to him,” said Boehner. “But we also have an alternate plan – once Romney is elected, all presidential addresses, indeed all media appearances, will be blacked out. Also, in an effort to simulate sincerity and likability, we are also considering dubbing his voice with Morgan Freeman’s.”
After several inflammatory remarks were made by Romney recently, VP pick Paul Ryan offered to teach Mitt what he calls “my patented shit-eating grin”. “It’s worked for me so far, according to sheep polled nationwide.”
In related news, the author of the satire blog The Newsosphere issued a plea to the national media, begging for something else to write about ad nauseam other than about Mitt Romney…
Also in somewhat related news, the author is pretty damn tired of religious uproars over a really crappy short film that has nothing to do with the country it was filmed in…