Preparations have already begun for the upcoming presidential debates, but top advisors for Mitt Romney say that expectations are low.
“We have two things going against us,” said one advisor, “one – Obama is a wonderfully articulate, seasoned speaker, and two – Romney is not. But we are preparing the Governor for anything, should he feel inclined to open his mouth.”
The Romney camp has already asked organizers of the debates if Mitt could only shake his head or nod as reactions to Obama, and questions asked by the moderators. They are also looking into “positive and negative grunts”.
“It’s enough to make someone lose their grip on reality,” said one advisor, “but we are confident that Romney will win the debates and be elected President. Of course, that may be the ‘lost grip on reality’ talking.”
Sources say everything will be done to make Mitt Romney adhere to the following guidelines:
1) Don’t say anything.
2) Don’t walk around aimlessly.
3) Don’t say anything.
4) No platitudes.
5) For God’s sake, don’t say anything.
6) No math.
Sources also say that Ann Romney will be on hand, in case Romney feels inclined to make any responses. She is prepared to walk onstage, stand by Romney, and tell the moderator or Obama that “that is all you people need to know” and “you don’t know how hard this is”.
In related news, Paul Ryan is being coached by “actual human beings” for his upcoming debate with vice-president Joe Biden. “It is important that Ryan should be taught how to interact with people in a natural way, because we have totally given up on teaching Romney…”