DEAR MITT (A Plea from Me)

Well you’re rising in the polls, you’re meeting your goals,
But still people have reservations
Maybe you should wake up to what’s going on around you
Before you plan your election celebration

Answer the effing question
It’s easy if you try
Answer the effing question
At least one before you die

You backtracked on FEMA, healthcare and abortion
Your ads are full of distortion
Did you ever think that this might be a nation
Where people who would like some Mittigation?

Answer the effing question
It’s do, not deny
Answer the effing question
Or kiss your election goodbye

Enough with the bullshit Mitt you’re gonna take a hit
‘Fess up when you’re accused
Moderate or Extreme, decide or get creamed
47% of us are not amused

Answer the effing question
Stop using the economy
To dodge the effing question
And that whole “taking credit” thing?
Lose that immediately.

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By clavius42

Top Ten Possible Star Wars/Disney Crossovers

10.  Leia Poppins

9.  Herbie the Love Speeder

8.  Lady It’s a Tramp!

7.  101 Clones

6.  The Shaggy Gungan

5.  Swiss Family Skywalker

4.  Amidala in Wonderland

3.  The Absent Minded Jedi

2.  Beauty and the Hutt

and the Number One Possible Star Wars/Disney Crossover…

1.  Snow White and the Seven Jawas

Runner-Up: Song of the Sith

 

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

James Bond fan reportedly legally changes name to feature 14 Bond girl names, but refuses to marry anyone named “Lazenby”…

“Extreme Cheapskate” husband tricks wife into eating snacks out of trash – TLC tricks people into thinking it’s still a learning channel…

Romney says even though Chrysler CEO disputes information in new ad, there is no evidence that Chrysler CEO disputed information in new ad.

Due to storm, Letterman and Fallon perform to empty studios. In related news, Fox News still performing to empty heads…

Disney to make new Star Wars movies. Apparently no one learned from The Star Wars Holiday Special

Michael Brown criticizes Obama for “reacting too quickly to Sandy” – “he should have not done a damn thing like I did with Katrina!”

By clavius42

ENOUGH ALREADY!

Romney recently said, and his ad claimed that “Obama approved Jeep, now owned by the Italians, of moving all production to China.”

This has already been disproven by a wide number of sources.

Let me direct you to the first Romney ad, which had Obama saying “If we keep talking about the economy, we’re going to lose”.

It was later discovered that what Obama actually said was:
“Sen. McCain’s campaign actually said, and I quote, ‘if we keep talking about the economy, we’re going to lose’.”

Folks, enough is enough, and a lie is a lie.
He has been lying since the start of the campaign, and it doesn’t look like he’s stopping anytime soon.

Look these quotes and ads up, people. Do your own digging. It’s all there.  I’m not taking anything “out of context”.

I am fed up with this bullshit.  If someone is proven – again and again! – to blatantly lie, why in the name of God would anyone want that person to govern our nation?

By clavius42

Fox News Calls Hurricane Sandy “Elaborate Stunt by Obama”

Fox News’ Eric Bolling said today that Hurricane Sandy, the monster storm which has overtaken the East Coast, is just another attempt by Obama to influence voters.

“Romney is clearly in the lead, and now this storm hits, which enables Obama to do his presidential thing?  I don’t buy it!”

Mitt Romney said today that his heart goes out to the people of the East Coast.  “As you all know, I love people!  Some of my best friends are people, and no doubt yours are, too.  Oh, and women, too.”

Bolling said that he will extend his political commentary show to investigate what he calls “the Obama/Sandy scam”.  “Obama and this ‘climate change’ are clearly partners, and their one goal is to get more votes and ensure a second term for Obama.  Fox News will uncover the truth, because that’s what we are good at.  We are fully prepared to use every tool at our disposal, including making up crap.”

Paul Ryan said that his heart goes out to the people of the East Coast as well, and “if women’s issues weren’t draining my superpowers, I would be saving Conservative voters right now”.

By clavius42

Donald Trump Offers $5 Million to Anyone Still Willing to Listen to Him

After recently offering $5 million to Obama in exchange for the President to  disclose his college transcripts and application, Donald Trump is now extending the offer to anyone who would still be willing to listen to him.

“If anyone out there is still able to take me seriously, I will give that person $5 million for them to use for the charity of their choosing, or whatever they please.”

Not surprisingly, no one has come forward to take Trump up on the offer.  Also, the White House has declined the original offer.  “The President would like to assure the American people that he has not taken the offer, and will not acknowledge any further offers.  He then added, ‘duh'”, said Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary.

Trump says he will not be easily dissuaded.  “I know there’s someone out there who believes in me as strongly as I do in myself.  But I am also willing to offer myself the money, just in case.  I am also prepared to accept my more than generous offer.”

Friends of Trump have said that they are looking into possible “alternate housing” options for the billionaire.  “We have been informed that the new Glenn Beck Wing at Bellevue is now taking patients,” said one friend.

In other news, a recent poll showed that after recent comments made by the GOP regarding abortion and rape, 95% of American citizens are amazed that any of the members are still married…

By clavius42

Windows 8 Debuts – Microsoft Boasts Complete Overhaul to What’s Incompatible

Today Microsoft officially launched its latest OS, receiving enthusiastic responses from tech bloggers as well as the national press.

“If Windows 7 was a stepping stone, then Windows 8 is the slightly higher stepping stone next to Windows 7 which is a stepping stone also which together would make stairs,” said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.

Many criticized Windows 7 for having numerous incompatibility issues with various software, but Ballmer assures them that their fears have been put to rest with Windows 8.  “We have done a complete overhaul to deliver a completely new, sleekly designed operating system which features incompatibility issues for a lot more types of hardware and software!  Sure, it won’t run a lot more programs, but it will look spectacular not doing it!”

New features for Windows 8 include touch screen capability, a new interface,  support for tablets, “snap multi-tasking”, and a “much more vibrant Blue Screen of Death”.

Ballmer added that, in the twenty-five mandatory updates required after installation of Windows 8, the “Blue Screen of Death” will be updated to a more user-friendly mauve color.

Expect Windows 8 to take the digital world by storm once people will be able to actually run it successfully sometime in January…

By clavius42

Richard Mourdock Joins Todd Akin in “Get Tough on Women” Campaign

Indiana Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock, after claiming that pregnancy from rape is “something God intended”, was greeted enthusiastically by Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin on Fox News today.

“With our presidential candidate’s endorsement, Mr. Mourdock and I will start the Get Tough on Women campaign, and that alone should secure our seats,” said Akin.  “It’s time for women to acknowledge their vaginal security systems and God’s intentions for them.”

The Romney campaign was very quick to denounce any comments or association with Mourdock or Akin, but during a speech in Indianapolis, Paul Ryan said that he will endorse both candidates.  “I believe I can speak for Mitt when I say that men like Mourdock and Akin are what the GOP are made of – strong, decisive men who know the place of women is not their place.”

Romney was very quick to deny any comments that Ryan said, and also said that he still denounces any comments or association with Mourdock or Akin.  His advisors also recommended that Romney should politely request that Ryan should “shut the fuck up”.

The new Get Tough on Women campaign received accolades from everyone on the Fox & Friends show, even Gretchen Carlson.  “It is very clear that even though I am a woman, I should know my place in our society, and realize my identity as a woman who wants to be man, much like the opposite of Ann Coulter.”

The Obama campaign declined to comment on the new developments, only to say that Romney and his colleagues should just keep talking, and offered to lend the presidential candidate “a symbolic shovel”.

In related news, the Taliban sent a message via YouTube supporting the Get Tough on Women campaign.  “It brought tears to our eyes,” said one member.

By clavius42

Highlights from the Third Presidential Debate

“When you say ‘Muslim brother President’ why are you looking at me, Governor?”

“In my defense, Russia and Iraq have some of the same letters…”

Oh my God! I just realized McCain and Romney have the same smile!

“My response is what the President just said, but I plan to deny it tomorrow…”

Romney blames the current unrest in the world on female reproductive rights.

Romney has a “Stepford moment”…

“Ten years before I came into office, education was great. You’re welcome, Massachusetts…”

“Look at my resume, dammit! I know what it takes! Four years! The Olympics! Bzzzzzt!” *smoke rising from stage*

New Romney campaign slogan – “Look at My Website!”

“Bob, let me respond to what the Governor just said — utter bullshit…”

Romney calls Obama on not mentioning “bad guys” in statement made after Benghazi attack.

“I like cars, because I am a son of Detroit!” Somebody pinch me.

“I love teachers! If I was for education, I would support them!”

“I’m Bob Schieffer, thank you for joining us. I’m gonna go get shitfaced. Good night!”

By clavius42

News Networks Predict Obama and Romney Will Say Stuff, Probably Argue a Lot

Tonight’s final presidential debate before the election in November will be a big event for all of the twenty-four hour news networks, and there is much speculation as to what the candidates will be talking about.

“We know for a fact it will be about foreign policy,” said a source at CNN, “but what they will say about the subject is up in the air, but that won’t stop us from predicting what they’ll say.  Hey, we gotta fill time just like any other news network!”

MSNBC says that Obama and Romney are most likely to “say stuff and most likely argue a lot”, but “it’s too early to say at this point”.

One thing is for sure, however.  “Whatever the debate outcome is, Chris Matthews will yell a lot.”

CNN will also be tracking the debate with a new state-of-the-art “visual CG blackboard graph chart thingy”, that will accurately follow speech patterns of both Obama and Romney, and compare them with what historic presidents like Abraham Lincoln and Dwight Eisenhower would say.  “Every time one of them says something, it will show up on the thingy, and one of our reporters will magically be taken back into time via technology pioneered by James Cameron, to interview the actual presidents,” says Wolf Blitzer.  “I’m personally wetting myself at the possibilities.”

Fox News also is getting into the technical ring with a special system devised just for tonight which will play Handel’s Messiah after everything Romney says, and replace anything with what Obama will say with “blah blah blah”.

“It’s a big night for us,” said one source.  “The fate of the nation will be decided tonight.  It will be an historic event for us.  Oh, and it’s also a good thing for the candidates, too…”

By clavius42