As some of you may know, I was offline for a couple of days due to some tech problems. But while I spent time away from the digital world, some things occurred to me. Here’s some food for thought…
Don’t get me wrong. I love technology. I love the fact that you can e-mail a person and instantly they will get a message from you. I love that cell phones are no longer as large as a brick with an antenna. And of course, I love that a massive amount of free porn can be discovered just by googling it.
But it occurred to me during my brief leave from the Internet, that if there is ever a cyber terrorist attack, or even a really huge EMP storm –
We are all f**ked.
And here’s why.
We have become so dependent on technology, that we take everything we do online for granted. You want to send a message to someone? E-mail them! Did you get a new outfit? Take a photo and send it on Instagram! Need to find a good hotel? Google it! Or better yet – do a search on your GPS!
Are you getting the picture?
Here’s something that might give you a cold sweat – if there’s a sudden and permanent lack of electricity which affects the entire planet, you will never talk to or see anyone overseas again.
Yep! Everything uses electricity! And thanks to technology, electricity is now using us!
So when you think of all of your friends whom you only know through social networks, or relish in posting every damn thing you do in text or image form –
Do not take it for granted.
Because that’s usually when it’s taken from you.
In an effort to avert the upcoming “fiscal cliff”, many members of the GOP say they are willing to abandon their pledge to lobbyist Grover Norquist which demands that they oppose any and all tax increases.
Members include Tennessee senator Bob Corker, Peter King, and even Lindsey Graham. “It’s not like we signed a deal with the Devil,” said King today. “Actually, that was an entirely different pledge.”
Now that some Republicans are willing to listen to proposals that include tax increases, many are suggesting that the party may have finally grown some balls.
“They’re taking chances, listening to concerns, and considering bi-partisan support,” said one political commentator. “But if Mitt Romney becomes a supporter, I would have to call ‘bullshit’.”
Norquist said today that he is not discouraged by the rejection. “When you sign something in blood, it’s eternally binding. And yes, they actually signed the pledge in blood.” Norquist added that he “also has dolls with the likenesses of everyone who signed the statement, and a whole lot of pins”.
Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan, recovering from his failed vice-presidential campaign, says that he is calling for his fellow Republicans to resist tax increases and demand steep cuts in entitlement spending. “It’s not a bid for attention like many critics imply,” said Ryan. “Unless of course, it is.”
The new video game Black Friday, was recently pulled from shelves and banned in several countries after gamers and critics alike denounced it for its brutality. “Forget Black Ops 2!” one gamer posted, “this one makes that one look like Super Mario! For once, I am actually traumatized! To quote Transformers, ‘oh the humanity!'”
The game takes place in various shopping malls and retail stores. The player controls a person desperately trying to conquer growing crowds of violent hordes scrambling for the best deals the day after Thanksgiving. If the gamer attempts to buy something in demand, the bloodbath starts.
Before it was pulled, the ESRB, who originally gave Black Friday an “M” (Mature) rating, changed it to “TCTR” (Too Close To Reality).
Black Friday developer Mob Mentality explains further details of the game. “Once you grab something that is in short supply or at a discount, like a flat-screen television or an iPad Mini, you run the risk of attracting attention to yourself, and that’s when you grab your firearms. Thematically, it’s very similar to the many zombie games on the market, but this time you have to deal with human beings at their most primal. And I’m not talking about the Republican Party…”
In related news, a recent Gamestop poll says the Nintendo Wii U is a big hit with people with ADD, but when asked for further comment, none of them could remember the question…
Today Walmart announced that they will be offering employees working the Friday after Thanksgiving, known as “Black Friday”, to “a free turkey dinner” and “indentured servitude”.
“It’s our way of saying ‘thanks’ and ‘we own your ass’,” says Walmart executive Dewey Cheatum. “People condemn us for questionable practices and slave wages. If that was a concern of ours, we wouldn’t be working for Walmart.”
The new “enslavement policy” will be rolling out just in time for the holidays, guaranteeing rights for all Walmart employees to “not be able to defend their rights”. As an incentive, Walmart will be giving out “value-saving coupons”.
Many employees have considered a strike on Black Friday, but confessed that “they need the hours to do important things like buy food, provide shelter, and most of all, live”.
In related news, Walmart is boycotting the new movie Lincoln. “If that amendment hadn’t of been passed, our job would be much easier now,” said Cheatum.
Residents in all 50 states file petitions to secede from United States – “it is our duty to defend ignorance for the whole nation!”
People names Channing Tatum Sexiest Man Alive 2012; actor is also in running for Block of Wood and Vacant Expression accolades…
WiiU released Sunday, Day One update makes console available to use by Christmas…
Paula Broadwell devastated by affair fallout – “if only I knew how this could have been avoided…”
Annual World’s Biggest Liar competition underway in England.
…You believe me, right?
Bobby Jindal says liking people is key to expanding GOP influence, according to “Duh” magazine…
Today members of the GOP suggested that their party should finally succumb to the realities of American society by announcing a complete “reboot”. “To begin with, we are calling for the official removal of John McCain,” said former Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour.
“After a long and proud career, we feel that it is time for McCain to step down, and relinquish his duties as commentator for our party. In short, McCain needs to shut the f**k up,” said House Speaker John Boehner.
Newt Gingrich added, “we have to re-examine our priorities by retooling the party message to appeal to Latinos, women and working-class people. We need to upgrade antiquated “get-out-the-vote” systems with the latest technology. Teach candidates how to handle the new media landscape. And most of all, we need to not be total dicks when we’re doing these things.”
Much has also been made of recent comments by Mitt Romney claiming that Obama offered “gifts” to minorities in order to secure the election. But the GOP has concluded that one of the main reasons that the party lost the election was because they chose Mitt Romney.
As to the first radical decision the Republican Party has for the proposed “reboot”, McCain was unavailable for comment, as he was on television “rallying against some other damn thing”…
Days after decorated Gen. David Petraeus’ resignation as director of the CIA, due to his affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell, another high-ranking general, Marine Gen. John Allen, is in the news for possibly having an affair
with socialite Jill Kelley, who was allegedly threatened by Broadwell.
As a result, the military is encouraging any of their personnel who happen to be having any sort of illicit sexual affairs to please refrain from using their office e-mail addresses to “flirt with and/or sexually titillate” their secret lovers.
“We are basically asking people who are not interested in creating more scandals, to consider another means of communication,” said a military official . “We are putting forth the question, ‘would you rather be dry humping this person if you weren’t busy e-mailing them?’ If the answer is ‘yes’, then perhaps it would be best not to use your office e-mail to correspond.”
The FBI reported the discovery of 20,000 to 30,000 pages of emails and other communications between Kelley and Allen. In layman’s terms, that’s equivalent to two novels by Stephen King.
As a result of the scandals, both Broadwell and Kelley have been getting numerous offers from many talk show hosts, reality show producers, and frantic ones from Playboy.
John McCain offered his two cents about the growing dilemma for the military. “It is becoming increasingly clear that General Petraeus planned this affair to divert attention from his testifying about Benghazi, and not what the Republican party would have preferred, which was to divert attention from the ‘fiscal cliff’.”
Days after the historic re-election of President Obama, Karl Rove has been getting “questionable threats” from many sources who funded his Crossroads GPS PAC.
The Koch brothers, among many other financial contributors, have expressed their interest in “whacking” the political consultant and frequent Fox News guest.
“Obviously I have a lot of apologizing to do,” said Rove. “So I am strongly considering the congressional version of a ‘witness protection program’.”
The controversial program, named CYA, offers a politician or political advisor a new identity and location to start his or her life over in relative seclusion, and anonymity from financial donors and/or supporters. Many people have considered CYA, including former president George W. Bush. Many other people have also suggested that Bush should have used the program.
A lot of money was trusted to Rove to ensure that Obama would not have a second presidential term, and these financial backers (some still anonymous) have vowed retribution.
“I think it’s time for Rove to get outta town,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “And with Mitch McConnell up for re-election soon, it might also be a good idea for McConnell to join him.”
“It’s time to put away our partisan differences, and open the doors to our Democratic brethren. And I want to make it perfectly clear that I did not arrive at this decision because the President kicked our collective asses.”
In related news, sources report that Mitt Romney was seen in the Cayman Islands spending some much needed quality time with his money…
Recently, Hardin County Republican Treasurer Peter Morrison, and high ranking Texas Republican, suggested that Texas should secede from the rest of the United States in response to Obama’s victory.
“We all know why he was elected -,” said Morrison, ” – and I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not racist in any sense – but if it wasn’t for certain members of the slant-eyed, colored, wetback population, Obama would have lost!”
As a result of the remarks made by Morrison, and Governor Rick Perry’s long-term pledge, citizens of Texas are now calling for the secession of Texas from the Republican Party.
“We want our children educated, our women treated fairly, and a state-wide ban on bullshit, and this looks like a good place to start,” said one native Texan.
There are already plans to hold rallies calling for support of the radical decision, and bumper stickers being created, sporting such slogans as “Taking Back the Common Sense South” and “Better Read Than Red”.
Members of the Texas Republican Party have expressed their shock at the movement. “When people said that they hated me, and wanted me to leave the state, I thought it was one of those jokes people have played on me during my time as Governor where people pretended to hate me and wanted me to leave the state,” said Rick Perry. “But I guess they mean business this time.”
“If we have learned one thing from the election,” added Morrison, “then we have failed as a party.”
I’m an expert just ask me
‘Cause I’m talking on T.V.
And they keep having me on despite
Any actual credentials I possess
As I pundit I know best
And here’s my opinion every morning, noon and night…
I’m all right
I’m never wrong
It’s not an opinion
That’s the point to this Pundit Song
If I don’t have the facts
You know that never stopped me
From telling people what was what and how
See my name and “expert” below
My image of one who claims he knows
And is not afraid of telling people now…
I’m all right
I sing this song
My word is gospel
I’m a pundit and I’m never wrong
I’m a doctor or an analyst or some other person – I’ve got a degree
It’s not a real one but it doesn’t matter ’cause it’s all for punditry
It’s your fault if you ask me a question it’s not your show
When I open my mouth you can bet that your viewers will know…
I’m all right
And you’re all wrong
I may never shut up once I start
But this is the end of the Pundit Song!