Today Walmart announced that they will be offering employees working the Friday after Thanksgiving, known as “Black Friday”, to “a free turkey dinner” and “indentured servitude”.
“It’s our way of saying ‘thanks’ and ‘we own your ass’,” says Walmart executive Dewey Cheatum. “People condemn us for questionable practices and slave wages. If that was a concern of ours, we wouldn’t be working for Walmart.”
The new “enslavement policy” will be rolling out just in time for the holidays, guaranteeing rights for all Walmart employees to “not be able to defend their rights”. As an incentive, Walmart will be giving out “value-saving coupons”.
Many employees have considered a strike on Black Friday, but confessed that “they need the hours to do important things like buy food, provide shelter, and most of all, live”.
In related news, Walmart is boycotting the new movie Lincoln. “If that amendment hadn’t of been passed, our job would be much easier now,” said Cheatum.