EXCLUSIVE! INTERVIEW WITH BABY NEW YEAR!

TS: Welcome! Today we have the special privilege of talking with Baby New Year!

NY: Yeah, how ya doin’.

TS: No offense of course, but I was expecting someone a little younger.

NY: And I was expecting to sleep in today – what are you gonna do?

TS: By the way, do you know Father Time?

NY: You’re lookin’ at him.

TS: You’re Baby New Year and Father Time?

NY: Yup. That’s how us mythical creatures roll. Cupid and the Easter Bunny? Same guy. Love it when he mixes up holidays. I can’t tell you how many eggs he’s fired at couples.

TS: Yes, well. So what can we expect for 2013?

NY: Same crap you had in 2012. But it will be in 2013.  Maybe more hashtags, though.

TS: I detect a certain bitterness.

NY: Brilliant deduction, Sherlock. Look, I was optimistic when I rang in 2012, thinking, “it couldn’t be any stranger than 2011!” Boy, was I wrong.

TS: Care to elaborate?

NY: Well for instance, people in power and those who funded them did a laundry list of stupid things, and didn’t get their asses kicked. Celebrities did some truly weird things and actually increased their popularity!  And don’t even get me started on that “One Pound Fish” guy. I was a baby at the beginning of the year, but this shit really aged me!

TS: So it is in your opinion that nothing will really change in 2013?

NY: Hey, ob-la-di, ob-la-da, ya know? I just don’t see anything changing. Until politicians get their heads out of their asses and people start being nicer to each other, you guys don’t have a fucking chance.

TS: But you have to admit it wasn’t all bad.

NY: No, some truly great things happened, and I guess there’s always bad with good. But this year? Sheesh. There should at least be a healthy balance!  And the world didn’t end – big surprise there considering all the possible harbingers – Snooki’s baby, Romney possibly winning the election, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian expecting…

TS: Any New Year’s Eve plans?

NY: The usual. Dick Clark’s New Years Rockin’ Eve, hanging with Santa Claus and other mythical figures. And lots of alcohol.

TS: You know Ryan Seacrest, Jenny McCarthy, and Fergie are hosting New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.

NY: Okay, lots and lots of alcohol…

TS: Well, thanks for your time. I guess we’ll see you next year!

NY: If it keeps up like this, I wouldn’t bet on it.

WE DIDN’T START THE FLAME WAR with apologies to Billy Joel

iPhone 5, OMG, Instagram, Steve Jobs
USA Olympic Gold, Fox News is getting old

Justin Bieber, Gay marriage, Kate’s baby in a baby carriage
Memes, Facebook going Public, GOP wants to change the subject

We didn’t start the flame war
But the world may burn because we’ll never learn
No we didn’t start it
But we failed to fight it

Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, “What the hell’s a Blackberry???”
Mayans and the End of World, Malala was a brave girl

Sandy blowing coast away, what more do I have to say?

We didn’t start the flame war
But the world may burn because we’ll never learn
No we didn’t start it
But we failed to fight it

Boehner, Cantor, McCain, Grover, is it never going to be over?
50 Shades, “Twilight”‘s end, Barack Obama back again

We didn’t start the flame war
But the world may burn because we’ll never learn
No we didn’t start it
But we failed to fight it

Benghazi murder, Wii U, North Pole is turning blue
“Legitimate rape”, Romney tape, Apple maps — — wait, where am I at?

“Call Me Maybe”, Gangnam Style, Black’s “Friday” is a pile
Transvaginal ultrasound, Congress going round and round

Newtown shootings, Gun rights fight
Women’s rights out the door
I can’t take it anymore!

We didn’t start the flame war
But when we are gone
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on…

NRA Calls for “More Guns, Less Students”

After the horrific tragedy of the shootings in Newtown, Connecticut, Wayne LaPierre, executive Vice-President of the National Rifle Association a.k.a. the NRA, finally broke his silence on the matter.

“The solution is clear,” he said yesterday.  “We need more armed guards and less students in schools.”

“The solution is not banning assault weapons and enforcing background checks on people purchasing the weapons.  There are way too many unarmed people in places that should be armed to the teeth.  Actually, it would be much easier if no children were allowed in school at all.  Not having an education hasn’t affected most of our members…”

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R- TX) sided with LaPierre, adding that children should also be given guns to defend themselves from big government at an early age.  “If you want any further comment, I will be in my compound,” he told reporters today.

Nationwide, people have pointed out that stronger security in public schools would not have saved the lives of people killed in the movie theater in Aurora, CO or even in the shootings at Fort Hood in Texas.

“Well that’s easy,” said LaPierre.  “Give the movie ushers assault weapons. And as for military bases – soldiers, never trust your comrades in arms.  Lord knows, I don’t!”

In related news, gun manufacturers have denied any association with the NRA.  “Their organization gets their funding the traditional way – large anonymous donations by concerned corporations.”  The representative then added, “you’re welcome.”

Top Ten Little Known Facts or Theories About McRibs

10) They are “limited time only” because animal/insect hybrid experiment isn’t always successful

9) It’s more Mc than Ribs

8) It’s PEOPLE!  McRIBS is PEOPLE!

7) The sauce used in McRibs has same ingredients as spackle

6) Used as torture method

5) Has own food group

4) You know those scraps on meat factory floors?  Do the math

3) PETA stopped protest after discovering no actual animals are harmed

2) Will live longer than cockroaches

and the Number One Little Known Fact or Theory About McRibs…

1) They were once McNuggets

Idiot Senator Replaced by Another Idiot Senator in South Carolina

South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley (R) has selected Tim Scott to replace Sen. Jim DeMint, after DeMint announced his leaving in order to head up the Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank.

“I feel that my talents are better suited to the Foundation,” explained DeMint.  “And my first plan will be to remove the word “think” from anything that I will be involved in.”

Scott gratefully replaced DeMint today, saying that he would carry on the idiotic ways of his predecessor.  “Don’t be fooled by the color of my skin,” said Scott.  “I am just as hard-headed and ignorant as anyone in my party.”

Scott is known for being a fervent Tea Party supporter.  He also vowed to impeach President Obama, tried to pass legislation to cut off union members’ children from food stamps, and has defended Big Oil.  He is also an ardent proponent of guns.

“Senator Scott is a welcome addition to our party,” said House Speaker John Boehner today.  “There was speculation that we would not be able to find a bigger douche than DeMint, but Scott fits the bill nicely.”

Questions

So as this year eventually comes to a close, there are still unanswered questions.  Maybe 2013 there will be some answers.  I can hope.

 
1) If there is no such thing as “global warming”, how do you explain the drastic change in the behavior of weather?

2) Why do civilians need to own and/or have access to military weapons?

3) Why do some people feel that the wealthy should not be taxed more?

and

4) Why in God’s name is there still racism, anger toward homosexuals and their marriages, and issues about women’s rights???

The World will do what it pleases – we can’t change that.
But we are all people, and we all occupy the same planet.
Maybe someday we will treat everyone equally, and find acceptance for all.

Maybe someday we will finally evolve.

Thanks for reading The Newsosphere.

Have a safe and happy holiday.

All my best,

Glenn

Republican Party Will Hold Breath Until Obama Meets Demands

House Speaker John Boehner said today that he and his colleagues are prepared to hold their breaths, “until their faces turn blue, if necessary”, until President Obama meets their fiscal demands.

“We are willing to let the old, homeless, and anyone else not wealthy suffer, in favor of preventing anyone who is wealthy from paying more taxes.  And we will not give up until the President gives in.  Don’t misunderstand – we love our country.  At least, that’s what we tell ourselves on a daily basis.”

John McCain weighed in, asking, “what’s wrong with doing everything again that put us into this fiscal disaster in the first place?  It’s a question of change, which the GOP has been against for years.”

Many Democrats say they are willing to do nothing until the January deadline.  “Maybe those dumbasses will finally come to their senses,” said Vice President Joe Biden.

The GOP has also vowed that if Obama does not meet their demands even after all members hold their breaths until their faces turn blue, they are also prepared to have a collective “hissy fit” and give the President “the silent treatment”.

In not at all related news, The Hobbit director Peter Jackson is planning a trilogy of three hour movies based on the children’s book Goodnight Moon…

Bitches Nationwide Name Ann Coulter Their Leader

Conservative pundit Ann Coulter blasted Latinos this week in her column,  “America Nears El Tipping Pointo”, claiming that there is a “deluge of unskilled immigrants pouring into the country” and “these nitwits deserve lives of misery and joblessness”.

“Non-whites have no business breathing our air,” Coulter commented, “also people who aren’t Conservative, blond or female.  Of course, in my case, that last trait may be disputed.”

As a result of Coulter’s history of blasting anyone who does not support her claims, bitches nationwide have officially announced their nomination of her as their leader.

“She has shown that a person can be downright ugly inside and out, and still be able to have a public following.  We believe that she stands for our ideals as an uncompromising, narcissistic woman who will never know when to shut up.  Tradition suggests that she will be offered her own reality show next.”

The GOP has distanced themselves from Coulter’s recent comments.  “It is our goal to reach out to minorities, even Latinos,” said House Speaker John Boehner.  “Ms. Coulter’s views do not reflect ours in the least, and we will keep saying that until one of us is elected President.”

Fox News Declares War on People Mocking Their War on Christmas

Today Fox News President Roger Ailes announced that he and his “cracker jack” staff of his 24 hour news network have had it with people making fun of their claim that there has been a “war on Christmas”.

“I now declare a war on these folks,” said Ailes.  “It has become painfully clear that people who mock us need a bitch slap of reality.  And if we are the fair and balanced network we purport ourselves to be, it is our duty.”

For the last few years, Fox News has been claiming that there has been a nonstop “war on Christmas”, which threatens to diminish the Christian aspects of the popular holiday.  But many critics have blasted the network for “delusional behavior which dwarfs their usual delusional behavior”.

“Look around you,” said one critic.  “It’s just sad, that they seem to be oblivious to everything you see and hear during this time of year.  If they want a war, first they need to surrender to their battle with reality.”

Bill O’Reilly defended Ailes’ decision, but adds that “if I felt that Christianity was a religion, I would be much more upset about this.”

Fox and Friends hosts Mike Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, and that other guy are planning a special twelve part series called “The Twelve Days of Denial”.  “Of course, if you have ever watched our show, it’s more like 365 days a year,” said Carlson.

Days Before “Fiscal Cliff”, Congress Asked to Do Nothing Much Sooner

Barely a month left before the “fiscal cliff,” Republicans and Democrats are in talks to avoid the across-the-board tax hikes and spending cuts that could possibly throw the country back into another recession.  But as usual, both parties are at an impasse.

“It’s a stalemate as of now,” House Speaker John Boehner said today.  “Total dicks from both sides are doing what they do best – nothing.  But many are asking us to do nothing much sooner than expected to resolve this issue.”

Mitch McConnell and John McCain say that they are prepared to activate their “anti-gay-marriage-women’s-rights” rant in order to divert attention from things that should actually be concentrated on at this time.  “Obfuscation is also our weapon,” said McCain.  “If we say what we mean, how can we in  good faith call ourselves a Congress?”

Many political critics are skeptical that anything will be done by the deadline.  “I wouldn’t be surprised in the coming weeks if they created a ‘Super Duper Congress’,” said one journalist.

In not-at-all related news, Mitt Romney said his lunch with President Obama was not what he expected, much like the election.  “It was civil, in good taste, and settled some very important issues.  If I had been elected, I promise that it would have been a very different situation.”