Many Conservatives Oppose Non-Men in Military

After the Pentagon lifted a ban Thursday that had barred women from serving in combat for some front-line units, many Conservative groups expressed their disapointment.

“But let me be very clear on the subject,” said Herbert Wells, leader of the Coalition for a Whiter America, “we are not opposed to women per se, just anyone who is not a man.  Those would include anyone wearing skirts, able to bear children, or who would have a vagina.”

House Speaker John Boehner said, “the GOP desperately needs more support from women, so I gladly endorse any Conservative who feels that only people who are not men should be able to join the front line in combat for our country.”

“But as for the homeland, we still feel that anyone, including non-men, should be able to defend themselves with assault weapons.  There are those that say this would be a double-standard, but thankfully, those people would not be anyone who is a member of the Republican Party.”

“Non-men have been defending our country for too long,” commented John McCain.  “If I had my way, I would ensure that they would stay home and take care of the children, run the household of men, and generally adopt the traditions handed down through history as the weaker sex.  Oh, and bringing back petticoats wouldn’t be such a bad idea, either.”

In related news, the GOP has announced they will be starting an inquiry into what exactly defines a “rape”, an “assault weapon”, and “climate change”…

Mitch McConnell Attempts to Adopt Paul Ryan

After Paul Ryan recently outlined his plan for the GOP to reject most White House proposals outright and try to infuse others with conservative principles, Mitch McConnell said that he would “be proud to be Ryan’s surrogate father.”

“He and I see eye to eye regarding Obama,” McConnell tearfully explained.  “I think my message from his mouth might be more encouraging to younger supporters, because while he has that Howdy-Doody thing going on with his face, let’s face it – I look like a turtle.”

“I would be proud to make him a part of my family.”

Ryan was pleased by the offer, but said that, together with the help of the GOP, he preferred to take on Obama alone.  “It’s always been our modus operandi to say things and then let other people deal with it.  Who am I to change that?”

House Speaker John Boehner said that he would be in favor of McConnell  adopting Ryan, but emphasized that “father figures” should let their “sons” grow.  “I believe that Ryan is still evolving,” said Boehner.  “But he does show promise that he will just as big a prick as McConnell is in a few years…”

In related news, Sen. Rand Paul said that if Hillary Clinton and other members of the Democratic Party insist on answering questions and explaining things in an intelligent manner, “this is not the America I want to live in.”

The Eleventh Day, or The Clot Thickens Part Two

Part two: I look like Nick Nolte

So now I’m out of the ICU and into my own room upstairs (technically, I was in a very large room of my own in ICU, but I only felt and saw the space I occupied at the time).

My good friend Mr. Heparin seems to be doing the trick, and soon the doctor (one of five on my case) will introduce me to Heparin’s wily blood thinner sidekick and replacement, coumadin.

Coumadin, not cumen, because that would just be silly.  Like naming your child “Hashtag”.

The next few days will be the transition from heparin to coumadin.  Once that’s done, I will be discharged.

It’s Sunday afternoon.  With any luck, I will be discharged Wednesday.

Now while in the ICU, the hair that hasn’t been ripped away or shaved has been growing, and when I catch myself in the mirror over the sink, I am reminded of that old police department mug shot of Nick Nolte.  Never gonna get that image out of my head now.  Thanks, me.

A few days pass, in which I am woken frequently from my drug-enhanced stupor to be poked by what seems to be a neverending assortment of needles.  And nurses checking my BP.  And needles.  And more nurses changing my IV.  Oh, and more needles.

In my lifetime, I have never dealt with more pricks in a small space of time like this.  Well, maybe except for when I was an actor.

Wednesday.  Time to blow this taco stand.  Only hold there, cowboy.  Doc says you’re not at the appropriate level just yet, so Thursday is now the target date.

I have had it.  My arms look like those of a junkie, I am continually in between sleep and awake (no Tinkerbell BTW – Barrie lied his ass off), and nonstop reruns of Friends and Big Bang Theory are taking their toll.
I am never leaving this place.

My parents remind me that it is still the twenty-first century by providing a Nook for me.  Learning the damn thing has given me something to focus on.  Bliss.  I cannot stress this enough.  Fucking bliss.

Thursday.  Nope, not quite there yet.  Eating more solid food, chatting with hospital folk, tackling the Nook, and taking myself on walks and bathroom stops are what keep me sane.  The IV in my left arm and having to walk my little IV tree have also given me a purpose.  Go too far, and the tree goes boom.  My left arm dreams of the day it can sing “Free at Last”.

Friday.  A couple more days, one of the many Docs says.  I can do this, I tell myself.  No chest pains anymore, regular diet, lucidity, and relatively normal brain functions.  My body argues that I should have been outta there Wednesday, and I can’t dispute it.  But let the docs do what they do, and I will get out soon enough.

Fingers crossed.

Saturday.  The level is right.  Homeward bound.  Really.  I experience the long forgotten feel of clothes and shoes on my feet, and the complete use of my left arm once again.  Eleven days.  Started with excruciating abdominal pain, and ended in a way that none of us would have believed.

Folks, for me, it’s Christmas all over again.  The doctors still don’t know what caused the blood clot, but I have my health back.  Sure, if subjected to the wrong stimulus, I will now bleed or bruise like a sonuvabitch, but for now, I am home.  I have use of both my arms.
I still look like a junkie, though.

That day, I had no idea what was to happen.  There was absolutely no warning, no ah ha! moments discovered later by the doctors.  It just happened.  And then with a lot of help, it was gone.

So folks, don’t sweat the small stuff.  Just, don’t.  If you take anything from my little philosophical buffet, let it be to live your life.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who took care of me, gave me food, and even the ones who drove needles into me incessantly.  I really have no idea where I would be now if it wasn’t for all of you.
But please don’t take this personally – I never want to see any of you again.

Well, that about wraps it up for me.  This is my second day of being at home, feeling the sunlight, listening to the silence, and pretty much learning to walk again (two weeks in bed, let’s see how you fare).

I am happy for my life.  I am grateful for my gift.
So…what’s next?

The Eleventh Day, or The Clot Thickens

Stream of consciousness or unconsciousness, you be the judge.
Regardless, folks, this is where I was.
Really happy to be back.

Tuesday – two weeks ago

I woke up in the morning, had breakfast, watched my shows, and pretty much kept to my daily routine which consists of blogging, chatting with people online, playing video games, etc.  Somewhere in there, I had lunch and a nap.

Wednesday – two weeks ago

I felt a pain in my abdomen while watching one of my shows, excused myself, walked approximately thirty feet, and the pain became excruciating.  I started to sweat, vomit, and all of the other wonderful things you hope never to experience more than once in a lifetime. 911, ambulance arrives, EMT’s put me on a gurney, inject me with morphine, and rush me to the ER of the local hospital.

Out of the blue.  No warning – nothing.

Now, one of the few things that cuts through the fog of a large dose of morphine is a doctor saying, “in my twenty years, I have never seen anything like this.”

I am given tramodol, which in a perfect world would be called fukitall – potent stuff – a few more flashes of memory and I am now in the ICU.  The diagnosis is now a blood clot in my abdomen, which if not treated, will shut down my intestinal tract, thereby forcing me to eventually wear a big bag with which to deposit anything I would normally use the toilet to get rid of.

But that’s a worse case scenario.

After what I can only describe as a night full of thoughts along the lines of kill me kill me now, they take me to a room where they insert a sheath into my groin area, in an effort to inject heparin, which is a blood thinner.

(ask your doctor if heparin is right for you
side effects may include spontaneous decapitation or an inexplicable urge to join the Republican party)

If the blood clot is the Black Knight, then heparin is Arthur, attempting to slice off enough of the knight to allow regular flow in my intestine.

(if you don’t get that reference, read no further and go watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail – if you still don’t get the reference, I have no further use for you)

Several agonizingly painful visits to the Pain Room later.  I can’t move my right leg at all, can’t bend it, nada.  And all the while the automatic blood pressure cuff pounds away when I least expect it.  And since I can’t move my leg, assorted nurses perform their version of “bedpan can-can”.  Nothing like not having any control whatsoever over your body.

So is the heparin doing its thing?  You bet it is.  I can tell by the balls-to-the-wall please God kill me now pain that is now hitting me – this being sometime the next day or so.  My Mom holds my hand, and my other reaches for a nurse who isn’t there.  She eventully shows up, and It’s only afterward that I discover that, yes, that pain was not the clot, but actually proof that the medicine is working.

You know that expression “damned if you do, damned it you don’t”?  Yep, that was me.

It’s working.  I can move my right leg.  Lucidity is coming back.  And after an especially pleasing session of Spongebath NoPants, it’s time for me to leave the ICU.

So that was the first week.

to be continued…

Fox News Reports Inauguration May Make Romney Loss Official

Today Sean Hannity of Fox News said that tomorrow’s inauguration of Barack Obama for his second term could possibly mean that GOP candidate Mitt Romney will not have won the presidency.

“We have nothing confirmed, but that never stopped us,” said Hannity.  “I believe that tomorrow many of our viewers will be astonished that Romney was not, in fact, elected.  We are projecting that the elderly and people with more than six cats will be suitably alarmed.”

Fox & Friends co-host Gretchen Carlson is not optimistic about tomorrow.  “I am guessing that once the truth is revealed, our only topics will be gun control and the ongoing argument that Obama will eventually lead us all into the hellish abyss.  But I just got a new outfit, so that in itself will keep our program light!”

Sources close to Mitt Romney say that the former Governor and unsuccessful candidate is declining any invitations to appear on news programs without his money.  “They have a bond – they have been through an emotional time together, but offshore investments never fail to keep Romney smiling.  It’s like a huge teddy bear that no one in the middle class could afford.  Or as Romney calls it, “sanctuary”.

In somewhat related news, the NRA has officially named today “Gun Appreciation Day”, but some say it should be called “Humanity Depreciation Day”…

GOP Okay with Letting Country “Go to Hell in a Handbasket”

Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that the GOP wanted to assure the American people that “I and my constituents are fully prepared to let the country go straight to Hell in order to get our way.  And if that means a total government shutdown, so be it.”

“Selling America down the river may be the only feasible way to get this country back on track,” said McConnell.  “President Obama should get his priorities straight.  If he cared more for himself and his political career, we wouldn’t have such animosity toward him.”

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich told Meet the Press host David Gregory yesterday that, having a great deal of experience screwing up the country, a government shutdown may be necessary.

“And let the liberal media come and twist our words if they must, even though in this case they would be dead on,” said Gingrich.

Over the next few months, lawmakers will battle over three important issues – raising the nation’s debt limit, funding the government, and avoiding automatic spending cuts–also known as sequestration.

House Speaker John Boehner said, “to sum up, if we don’t get our way this year, drastic measures may have to be taken to ensure our place in Congress.  The United States and its citizens owe that much to us, for all we have done to, um, for them.”

In related news, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor says there is nothing between he and John Boehner that getting rid of the current speaker of the house wouldn’t remedy…

THIS JUST IN!

BREAKING: 113th U.S. Congress ushers in new era of “still doing nothing”…

Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Channing Tatum to start  Foundation for Celebrities Without Talent…

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor not stuff of leadership, but actually stuff used in McRibs…

Sources close to Justin Bieber say singer’s balls to drop sometime in Spring…

Donald Trump says he would have done better than GOP on “fiscal cliff” deal, if “anyone was still listening to me”…

Jay-Z composing original score for Baz Luhrmann’s The Great Gatsby; critics nationwide ask for complete removal of movie title, use of story…

 

My New Year’s Resolutions

1) Run into department stores and yell “we’re being invaded!”

2) Stop questioning existence of Velcro.

3) Knock on door of Fox News building and ask “would you like some facts?”

4) Uninstall Windows 3.1.

5) Play marathon of F-Troop episodes, point out historical inaccuracies.

6) Learn to play the vuvuzela.

7) Eat a Twinkie. *

8) Build a house made of Splenda.

9) Create art made from fortune cookie fortunes.

10) Put together slideshow of places I would like to paint someday.

* oh wait. Damn.

Congress to American People: “Stop Hating Us!”

WASHINGTON – After a grueling period of avoiding major issues and delaying votes to prevent the “fiscal cliff”, House Speaker John Boehner extended his wishes for a “prosperous new year” and a request for the American people to “please stop hating Congress”.

Approval ratings at an all-time low and many recommendations from various citizens for members to “get their collective heads out of their asses” have caused Boehner and others to ask for mercy.

“I am confident – the whole year of 2012 not withstanding – that we will turn over a new leaf this year, and you can all expect a full 360 in our actions,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell today.  “It won’t be the same ol’ same ol’ – but the same new, same new.”

The Senate voted 89-8 early this morning to approve a last-minute deal to avert income tax hikes on all but the richest Americans.

“Let us be very clear,” said Boehner.  “Our total focus has never been on preventing higher taxes for the wealthy.  The middle-class is the most important factor in this deal, and their welfare is essential to the country, whether we like it or not.”

Critics are suggesting that the averted “fiscal cliff” will not be the last debacle of the new year.  “We are projecting that during the next twelve months, at least three to four decisions will be made,” said a White House insider.

“But that’s being really optimistic.”