Dan Brown Debuts New Novel “The Emeritus Sequestration”

Today marks the leaving of Pope Benedict XVI, as well as the eve of the “sequestration” – a U.S. legal procedure in which automatic spending cuts are triggered.  Author Dan Brown, famous for the novel The DaVinci Code, claims he sees a connection.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if this whole thing was concocted by a secret organization headed by members of the Knights Templar,” said Brown today.  “The American Congress, particularly members of the GOP, are clearly being manipulated by unseen forces, and the Pope resigned amidst a flood of scandals within the Vatican.  This may be a lame connection at best, but that kind of bizarre deduction hasn’t hurt my book sales.”

Members of the GOP deny any connection to the Templars or the Pope, and insist that “no unseen forces tell us what to do – we are perfectly capable of doing absolutely nothing without any help.  But we do have a connection in that we also use religion so that we will be infallible to poorly mishandled situations.”

“The Emeritus Sequestration” should be on bookshelves as early as this weekend.  When asked about the amazingly quick release date, Brown said “you didn’t expect me to do research, did you?”

Top Ten Possible “Reimagined” Fairy Tale Movies

10. Rumpelstiltskin: You Know My Name

9. They Call Me ‘Mister’ Cricket!

8. Cinderella: Glass Slippers of Pain

7. The Good The Bad and the Ugly Duckling

6. Frog Prince: No Time to Croak

5. Little Mermaid: Blood in the Water

4. Goldilocks: A Fistful of Porridge

3. Rapunzel: Hair Trigger

2. Beauty’s Revenge Never Sleeps

and the Number One Possible “Reimagined” Fairy Tale Movie…

1. Pinocchio: I Got Wood

GOP To Be Awarded Special “Best Ensemble” at Oscars

In an unprecedented move by the members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (DUMASS), the GOP will be receiving a special award at tonight’s Oscars for Best Ensemble.

“Last year, and even into this year, they actually had a lot of people convinced that they cared about them, as well as our country.  That is quite an achievement, and should be recognized,” said Hawk Koch, president of the academy.

Special mentions will go to GOP nominees, members of Congress, and especially the pick for presidential nominee, Mitt Romney.

“When they decided to pick Mitt even though many didn’t support him and openly criticized him – well, that’s the kind of comedy that stands the test of time,” said one Oscar expert.

“Though I somewhat agree with the awarding of these people,” said film critic Roger Ebert, “I do have to cite the many moments last year when they all seemed to be reading the same script, even using the same phrases ad nauseam.  If they actually worked to find their own characters, and say what they really wanted instead of what the party told them to say, it would have been a straight win.  But of course, in order to find character, you first need to have it.”

In related news, Dick Cheney says that Zero Dark Thirty is now his all-time favorite movie, “especially the first hour”…

THIS JUST IN!

Burger King Twitter feed hacked; followers can no longer have it their own way…

Big furor over the death of a main character in Downton Abbey. Haven’t seen this type of reaction since the musical episode of Breaking Bad.

Sarah Palin says she was “first one to see Russian meteor from her house”…

Nudes check out nudes at Austrian museum. “Sir, I can tell by your reaction that you like that painting…”

Horsemeat discovered in burgers overseas, despite claims from “neighsayers”…

Herman Cain joins Fox News in effort to lend credibility to network…

Personal note:

I was in a spelling bee once. My word was “gospel”, so I told the judges that I won the bee. They said, “well, we can’t argue with that…”

Oscar Pistorius is definitely telling the truth. Robbers lock themselves in bathrooms all the time…

To Republican Women: Check Again – Are You Really Female?

For years the Republican Party has lobbied against measures to give women equal pay for the same jobs men do, prevent them from fighting for our country, and even suggest that women have no knowledge about how their bodies really work.

Oh, and if a lot of Repubs had their way, Repub women would be jobless at home darning socks and taking care of the children.

So it baffles me that there are women who support a party which apparently doesn’t feel that they should be regarded with any sort of respect.  I might add that it also baffles me that many of the members of the GOP are actually married, but that’s another thing.

I know this doesn’t apply to every single woman who is a Republican – there are those who question the practices of their party.  And that’s a very good thing.  Questionable practices should always be, um, questioned.

When outspoken supporters of the GOP like Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham continue to side with politicians on issues concerning women, Lord knows I question it.

Women are not “the weaker sex” anymore.  They are intelligent, capable members of society and should be given the respect that they deserve.  They have proven time and time again that they are equal to any task given.

So I suggest to Republican women who endorse people like Todd Akin and Richard Mourdouck and their ill ilk to ask theirselves – are you really women?

And to the Republican men who feel that women aren’t equal, I would suggest that they go transvaginal ultrasound themselves.

McCain Claims ‘Massive Cover-Up’ on Benghazi, Faked Russian Meteor Crash

WASHINGTON – Over the weekend, Sen. John McCain told “Meet The Press” host David Gregory that there was a “massive cover-up” of the events which transpired last year in Benghazi.

“There are so many answers we don’t know,” McCain told host David Gregory. “Granted, most of the answers I’ve chosen to ignore, but that doesn’t change the fact that there is a conspiracy in the Obama administration.”

When asked to elaborate, McCain told Gregory that “my facts will be revealed in later episodes of the show, as well as other morning news shows, since you keep inviting me on for some unexplainable reason.”

McCain also claimed that the meteor which struck Chelyabinsk Friday was “a fabrication by the White House, to divert attention from Chuck Hagel’s confirmation as defense secretary.”

“But we can’t help that now,” said McCain.  “The damage has already been done.  But I do have to applaud the people behind the meteor crash.  Obviously they were the same ones who were behind the fake lunar landing.”

In related news, a bill is being considered which would ensure that Sen. McCain would be forcibly instructed to remain on his medications…

GOP Response to State of the Union Address: “Too Much Hope”

WASHINGTON – After last night’s State of the Union address, Sen. Marco Rubio (FL), in what was first thought to be an ad for Pellegrino, gave the GOP’s rebuttal.

“It has become very clear that the President is obsessed with giving the American people something that we as a party have labored to suppress – hope,” said Rubio.

Tea Party favorite Sen. Rand Paul (KY) blasted both the Democratic and Republican Party for “giving up their ‘sacred cows'” and asserted that lawmakers on both sides “should be sent home”.  Today Paul was reminded that he was also a Republican, and a lawmaker.  Paul had no further comment.

Singer and Ultra Conservative Ted Nugent was reported to have thrown a hissy fit on Fox News after being denied a chance to respond to Obama’s address.   “First Steve Stockman invites me to the State of the Union address, then he doesn’t allow me to talk.  I felt like one of my groupies.  At least he bought me dinner afterward.”

In related news, former vice president Dick Cheney said in an interview with Charlie Rose that “Obama wants to weaken our role in the world, rather than what I wanted, which of course, was to rule it.”  Strangely enough, studio personnel uncovered a pentangle under the former vice president’s chair after the interview…

New Pope to Be Decided by Twitter Poll

Pope Benedict XVI stunned the world today by announcing his decision to step down.  “I’m stepping down because I no longer have the mental or physical strength to do my job. Take the hint, Congress.”

The Vatican, attempting to remain relevant in the twenty-first century, has decided to select the next Pope by a poll conducted on Twitter.  Many people have already put in their request to replace the Pope.  “Does the new Pope have to be Catholic?” asked Mitt Romney.

So far, the Twitter poll has suggested that Justin Bieber, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Oprah Winfrey, and Ryan Seacrest are at the top of the list, with J. J. Abrams showing some late promise.  “Also, a person who calls himself ‘iluvKatiePerry’ seems to be gaining popularity,” said one Vatican official.

In totally unrelated news, many say that Gotye’s Grammy winning song, “Somebody That I Used to Know” should come with Cymbalta…

Top Ten Possible Die Hard Sequels

10.  Die Hard 10: Staying Hard

9.  Die More Hard

8.  Die Hardest

7. Old Franchises Die Hard

6.  Indiana Jones and the Last Die Hard

5.  McClane Should Just Upchuck and Die Hard

4.  Bruce Willis’ House Payment

3.  I’m Too Old for This Die Hard

2.  Demi Hard

and the Number One Possible Die Hard Sequel…

1.  Will This Series Ever Die Hard?

THIS JUST IN!

Super Bowl blackout discovered to be commercial for Windows 8…

Rumors that the inventor of the Etch A Sketch had Mafia ties are false. He did die, but he was not “rubbed out”…

J.J. Abrams to direct next Star Wars movie. Spoiler alert: They were already dead and in limbo…

Marco Rubio to give GOP response to Obama’s State of the Union, plans to criticize only 90% of speech…

Beyoncé blasted by PETA for Super Bowl outfit, Lady Gaga blasted by cows for her outfits…

USPS to stop delivering mail on Saturdays starting August 3.  More news in 6 to 8 weeks…