Pope Benedict XVI stunned the world today by announcing his decision to step down. “I’m stepping down because I no longer have the mental or physical strength to do my job. Take the hint, Congress.”
The Vatican, attempting to remain relevant in the twenty-first century, has decided to select the next Pope by a poll conducted on Twitter. Many people have already put in their request to replace the Pope. “Does the new Pope have to be Catholic?” asked Mitt Romney.
So far, the Twitter poll has suggested that Justin Bieber, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Oprah Winfrey, and Ryan Seacrest are at the top of the list, with J. J. Abrams showing some late promise. “Also, a person who calls himself ‘iluvKatiePerry’ seems to be gaining popularity,” said one Vatican official.
In totally unrelated news, many say that Gotye’s Grammy winning song, “Somebody That I Used to Know” should come with Cymbalta…