Hey Kids! It’s an Interview with The Easter Bunny!

easter-bunny

Today I am interviewing one of the most popular holiday icons – the Easter Bunny!

GR: Welcome Mr. Bunny!

EB: Peter, or Pete…

GR: Peter Cottontail?

EB: Whatever floats your boat. Got a smoke?

GR: Isn’t that bad for you?

EB: Hey, it’s my day off. Sue me.

GR: Well I’d like to thank you for coming in on your day off. I suppose you’re getting ready for next Sunday?

EB: Yeah. Got my eggs ordered and everything.

GR: Don’t you make your own eggs?

EB: What do I look like, a chicken? These things come already painted too. Thank God for eBay…

GV: So what do you do when you’re not working?

EB: I play video games mostly.

GR: Really!

EB: Oh yeah, I play lots of games. Mostly Call of Duty, Far Cry 3, that sort. I stay away from Mario, Kirby, etc. Any games where I have to hop or jump. I do that crap plenty in real life.

GV: So what other hobbies do you have, since you only work one day of the year?

EB: Yeah, it’s a cushy gig, ain’t it? Great benefits too. Of course, I don’t have the recognition that other holiday icons do, particularly Santa Claus. Fat bastard.

GV: Thanks for your time, and “hoppy Easter”!

EB: Yeah, like I’ve never heard that one…

By clavius42

LAST WORD: Same Sex Marriage – What’s the Problem?

To all those who vehemently oppose homosexual marriages – what is the big deal?

Why should any couple be condemned for their feelings for each other?
“The institution of marriage between a man and a woman should be preserved.”  Fine, but how about preserving love in whatever form it may be in?

“A marriage between a man and a woman is how it should be, particularly for children to grow up in a safe, loving environment.”  Of course!  Because no child has ever been physically and/or sexually assaulted by their parents, and no husband has ever done the same to their wife or vice versa.

So enlighten me.  What possible reason is there to forbid gay marriage?  Are these people asking for special benefits or rights that traditionally married couples aren’t entitled to?  No!  Will these marriages somehow affect these traditionally married couples which will trigger the unspooling of the fabric of our society?  No!  Or will people of the same sex who are given the right to legally marry going to start a violent, bloody revolution?

Say it with me –
NO!

There are so many issues that affect people worldwide, including hunger, violence and poverty.  All of those, unlike gay marriage, can actually affect every single person on the face of the planet.

We are all in this together, regardless of race, creed, or color.  Let’s add “sexual orientation” to that.

I believe in preserving institutions and traditional values, like civil liberties.
And what is the right to gay marriage but a civil liberty?

People who are so adamantly against something that will never affect their families, their way of life, or even their livelihood – I ask them –
Isn’t there too much hate in the world already?
Also, I would tell them –
Just accept.

By clavius42

GOP Celebrates 20 Minutes of “Obama Free” America

John Boehner

With President Barack Obama leaving the country this week to pay a visit to Israel and Vice President Joe Biden returning after representing our country in the inaugural mass for Pope Francis in Rome, House Speaker John Boehner was in charge of the country for roughly twenty minutes tonight.

Fox News celebrated by airing “America Tonight: Twenty Minutes of Freedom” earlier this evening, and after hearing the news, it was reported that Sen. Rand Paul was kicking himself, remarking, “oh sure, tonight I chose not to filibuster!”

“It was twenty minutes of absolutely no gun control, a ban on gay marriage, and total neglect of the poor,” said Mitch McConnell.  “Not to mention almost a half an hour of any facts verified.  We could say any damn thing we wanted, and there wasn’t a response from the President.  Pure bliss.”

After Biden landed, and was informed of the brief celebration by the Republican Party, he said that “business is back to usual” and informed the party to “get their heads back into their asses”.

“Of course, these days, that happens even when they are in power,” added Biden.

By clavius42

NEWSOSPHERE REPORT: Results of the GOP for the GOP

g&o

According to the Growth & Opportunity Project  (or “The GOP’s GOP”)  , below are 10 lessons the Republican Party learned from its exhaustive search—and what it plans to do about it. *

1. Reach out to minorities because just like corporations, they are people

2. Stop referring to poor as “unwashed heathen”

3. When making point, make sure facts have been verified

4. Support women, aside from personal beliefs

5. Stop blaming Obama for football game losses, power outages, and disappointing restaurant service

6. Encourage voters to attempt to get past security at voting locations

7. Add “laugh track” to all future primary debates

8. Teach followers how to spell and actual history lessons

9. Against all common sense, religious beliefs, fears that it will start the Armageddon, and above all, the fear of losing lobbyists, support gay rights

10. Still insist Fox News is not “mouthpiece for GOP”, but in interviews shrug and say “but what are you gonna do?”

 

 

By clavius42

NEWSOSPHERE EXCLUSIVE! Highlights from CPAC 2013

Attendees make their way into the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) at National Harbor

“Now step away from the teleprompter, Mr. President, and do your…um, what does that say?” — Sarah Palin

“If I didn’t hate every single minority and anyone who disagreed with me, I would be on the Home Shopping Network!”  —- Ann Coulter

“Obama is turning this country into a Godless America!  And that’s not just my medication talking!” —- Rick Santorum

“If a rogue tactical military group comes to rob your home, America, don’t come crying to me!” —- Wayne LaPierre

“I filibustered for thirteen hours, and I failed.  And that’s what I will bring in 2016!” —- Rand Paul

“If I am so prone to exaggeration, then why does every single journalist in the  universe still listen to me?” —- Paul Ryan

“Folks, I didn’t win.  Enjoy your dessert.” —- Mitt Romney

“Is it hot in here?” smacking lips —- Marco Rubio

“I believe in a party that is as genuine as the hair on my head!” —- Donald Trump

“Check the list again – I know I’m on it!” —- Ron Paul

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

Justin Bieber apologizes to Lindsay Lohan regarding recent rant – “I realized that given my behavior, I may be becoming her…”

Mitch McConnell mistaken for life-size wax sculpture of himself at CPAC…

Pope Benedict XVI is the first pope to resign in nearly 600 years. This is known as “The Vatican Shake”…

Rob Portman reverses position on gay marriage; In related news, GOP announces search for new Ohio Senator…

North Korea vows to launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike against the United States. I’m blaming it on Dennis Rodman.

Pope Benedict XVI will not really leave the Vatican, and will be addressed as “Your Holiness”. I believe this is known as The Leno…

By clavius42

White Smoke Signals New Roman Catholic Pope Picked, 24 Hour News Networks Rejoice

pope-election-smoke

THE VATICAN – On the second day of voting for the new leader of the Roman Catholic religion, church cardinals indicated on Wednesday that they’ve elected a new pope by the traditional white smoke emanating from the Vatican chimney.

The new Pope is Argentina’s Cardinal Bergoglio, who will now be known as  “Francis I”.

“This is a great day for Catholics, but it is an especially important day for us,” said Wolf Blitzer of CNN.  “We have been trying to stretch this thing out as long as we can, in lieu of actual world events that actually affect people, such as wars, rape, and starvation.”

“I haven’t been this excited since Romney’s presidential win,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News.  “Now what does Obama have to say for himself???”

Popewatch2013, a website created when Pope Benedict XVI resigned, has been enjoying a surge in hits since the announcement.  “Our only concern is that the excitement will wan in the coming months, but our hope, however, is that there will be a scandal soon,” said the head of the website.  “If not, we can always revert the website back to its original free porn content.”

Once the new Pope was selected, French Cardinal Jean-Louis Tauran appeared between the red curtains of the central balcony on St Peter’s Basilica to proclaim the famous Latin words ‘Habemus Papam’, revealing the identity of the new pontiff and the name that he chose.  “To add a little spice to the proceedings, Cardinal Tauran presented the name, saying, ‘may I have the envelope, please’,” said a Vatican official.  “Then a representative from Price-Waterhouse handed him the result.”

Pope Benedict XVI was asked for his reaction.  “Hey, I still get to live here, and people still have to call me ‘Your Holiness’, so big whup,” he said.

By clavius42

NEWSOSPHERE EXCLUSIVE! Excerpts from Roger Ailes’ Upcoming Book

rogerailes

The following are quotes from the upcoming book, “Roger Ailes: Off His Rocker”…

“If I was concerned with facts, I would have never started Fox News…”

“If Obama was an egotistical, bigoted, greedy individual, the attacks by the GOP would not have happened.  It would also help if he was white.”

“I do not regret letting Glenn Beck go.  I do regret that his batshit crazy theories still have an audience.  We could use the revenue.”

Fox and Friends is meant to be the antithesis of the network morning shows, in that we intentionally make up crap.”

“I think if Romney hadn’t of opened his mouth during the presidential race, he would have had a fighting chance.”

“If Rupert Murdoch didn’t trust me with Fox News, that sound I keep hearing on my home phone would spook me…”

“Joe Biden likes to tell it like it is.  No bullshit.  I admire that.  But it also keeps him from being invited on Fox News.”

“Our key demographic has always been intelligent, patriotic Americans who love their country.  And have more than six cats.”

“Do I think Obama will be the Apocalypse?  No.  When people figure out that my network is a twenty-four hour joke with no punchline – that’s what gives me the sweats at night!”

By clavius42

Dennis Rodman: “I Could Be President”

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In an interview on E!, former basketball player and spokesman for body piercing Dennis Rodman said that he learned a lot on his trip to North Korea.

“I could be President, dawg.  Nuthin’ to it.  Me and Kim Jong Un really clicked,” he said.  “That dude is way more cool than what I heard – I didn’t see no poverty or starving people anytime during that exclusive celebrity exhibition basketball game.”

There was one thing that disappointed Rodman, though.  “I couldn’t find that Psy guy anywhere.  It was like he was in another Korea or something,” said Rodman.

Recent Secretary of State John Kerry, asked for his response to Rodman’s trip, said that “the guy should know better than anyone that playing a game you know nothing about is a bad move”, and that “Rodman’s ‘slam dunk’  was more like what Congress is doing – ‘dribbling endlessly’.”

“Kim said all Obama has to do is pick up the phone,” said Rodman. “And if I was President, I would do it.  Kim would pick up the phone first, but that would involve grabbing a few of the citizens to do it for him in lieu of their supper.  So you can see the dilemma.”

He added, “And that whole nuclear test thing in Pyongyang?  He was just over compensatin’. He’s a short dude.”

By clavius42

Some Historical Misconceptions

1) American settlers had Wi-Fi. (not true, but they did have dial-up…)

2) Genghis Khan was Captain Kirk’s mortal enemy…

3) Paul Revere texted “1 if by land, 2 if by sea”…

4) Alexander Graham Bell invented the iPhone…

5) William Shakespeare wrote “Transformers”…

6) The Civil War was a battle between PC and MAC users…

7) Bill Gates wrote the Constitution…

8) Pac-Man was popular with early man. (actually, they loved Pong…)

9) Betsy Ross designed the American flag with Photoshop…

10) The Boston Tea Party was a bunch of morons bitching about big government…

11) “Gazpacho” was the secret police of Nazi Germany.

By clavius42