THE VATICAN – On the second day of voting for the new leader of the Roman Catholic religion, church cardinals indicated on Wednesday that they’ve elected a new pope by the traditional white smoke emanating from the Vatican chimney.
The new Pope is Argentina’s Cardinal Bergoglio, who will now be known as “Francis I”.
“This is a great day for Catholics, but it is an especially important day for us,” said Wolf Blitzer of CNN. “We have been trying to stretch this thing out as long as we can, in lieu of actual world events that actually affect people, such as wars, rape, and starvation.”
“I haven’t been this excited since Romney’s presidential win,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News. “Now what does Obama have to say for himself???”
Popewatch2013, a website created when Pope Benedict XVI resigned, has been enjoying a surge in hits since the announcement. “Our only concern is that the excitement will wan in the coming months, but our hope, however, is that there will be a scandal soon,” said the head of the website. “If not, we can always revert the website back to its original free porn content.”
Once the new Pope was selected, French Cardinal Jean-Louis Tauran appeared between the red curtains of the central balcony on St Peter’s Basilica to proclaim the famous Latin words ‘Habemus Papam’, revealing the identity of the new pontiff and the name that he chose. “To add a little spice to the proceedings, Cardinal Tauran presented the name, saying, ‘may I have the envelope, please’,” said a Vatican official. “Then a representative from Price-Waterhouse handed him the result.”
Pope Benedict XVI was asked for his reaction. “Hey, I still get to live here, and people still have to call me ‘Your Holiness’, so big whup,” he said.