John McCain Says Syrian Rebels Should Be “Color Coded” To Avoid Confusion

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WASHINGTON – After it was discovered that Sen. John McCain may have been seen with a kidnapper during his secret visit to Syria, McCain has suggested a new system.

“In order to avoid confusion, I think there should be some sort of color coding, so I know which Syrian rebels are bad or good,” said McCain today.  “If I had been elected President, that is one of the things I would have addressed immediately.”

McCain crossed paths during his visit with Mohammad Nour and Ammar Al-Dadikhi (a.k.a. Abu Ibrahim), two men who were part of a group that kidnapped Lebanese religious pilgrims.

McCain spokesman Brian Rogers said that if the person in the photos does turn out to be Nour, that would be “regrettable.”  He then excused himself before he broke out crying.

In somewhat related news, Michele Bachmann said earlier this week she will be not be seeking re-election, “or any position that would require me to open my mouth in public.”

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By clavius42

SCANDAL UPDATE!

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CONNECTIONS TO THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION:

BENGHAZI – No evidence found!
BUT Over 100 e-mails released reveal that the building was CIA, not primarily a diplomatic office.  Also, Chris Stevens turned down requests for security twice!
ALSO Many Republicans admit they have no idea where Benghazi is located! hint: It starts with an “L”.

IRS – No evidence found!
BUT Representative Darrell Issa (R-California) admitted that he had known for a year about allegations of the Internal Revenue Service selectively targeting Tea Party groups for scrutiny.

DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE and the AP – No evidence found!
BUT – well, actually, nothing.  The White House is not involved in decisions made in connection with criminal investigations, as those matters are handled independently by the Justice Department.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE SCANDAL UPDATES AS THEY DO NOT HAPPEN!

By clavius42

Tea Party Feels Vindicated by IRS Scandal – “Not as Crazy as We Actually Are”

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Since the discovery that the IRS had possibly been discriminating against  certain Tea Party groups, many members of the extreme conservative party are saying that they feel vindicated.

“These past few weeks have proven that our paranoid fantasies about the government were true – we are not as crazy as we actually are,” said one Tea Party leader.  “It is all a big conspiracy, much like science.”

“First Benghazi, then the IRS, then this business with the Associated Press and the Defense Department,” said Tea Party favorite Glenn Beck.  “I am personally wetting myself!”

The organization has been criticized for many years, even by members of the GOP, as an extreme, possibly “bat shit crazy bunch of people” with their own agenda and a talent for misspelling.

“Big government is going down for the count, just like it did back in in 1776 when Boston dumped tea on the Democrats,” claimed Rep. Michele Bachmann, chair of the Tea Party Caucus.  “History will repeat itself, or at least I will repeat that history will repeat itself.”

In related news, Senators Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are forecasted to be the GOP’s front runners for the 2016 presidential race, barring any unforeseen possibilities of common sense…

By clavius42

McCain: “Today’s Problems Can Wait! We Have To Think About 2016!”

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WASHINGTON – Today Senator and current Conservative gasbag John McCain rallied his party to put aside concerns about the economy, gun control, and immigration, and “think about what’s really important to the American people – the 2016 presidential election”.

“It is very clear that there was a cover-up regarding Benghazi, and I call for a select committee to investigate until Hillary Clinton decides not to run for President in 2016!  Today’s problems can take care of theirselves – I mean, it’s not like we have been doing anything about them anyway!”

House Speaker John Boehner and Sen. Lindsey Graham are spreading the word to their colleagues.  “Any minute now, in the last month or so, or even next month, possibly sometime in the summer, we will have irrefutable, damning evidence about what really happened in Benghazi.  It will be bigger than all of the world wars combined, and the possible impending apocalypse should Hillary be elected,” said Graham.

Fox News host Sean Hannity has reported that a political bombshell will be going off soon, and an impeachment will be the result.  “Something has to!  People have lost their faith in the Republican Party, which could be catastrophic to the careers of many politicians, and most importantly, to the careers of people who work for Fox News.”

In related news, the GOP wants to redefine the definition of “people”, if it doesn’t apply to politicians, bankers, oil companies, and the NRA…

By clavius42

Deep Dark Hole

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“You’re not alone”.

When you’re suffering from depression, it’s not much of a comfort, those words.  Because when you’re in that kind of pain, you feel that you are alone.  But that’s just what you tell yourself.  Because when all is said and done, it just isn’t true.

See those celebrities on the covers of those magazines in the check-out line?  Most of the time their happiness is an illusion.  To quote REM, “everybody hurts, sometimes”.

Maybe you ask yourself, “if they can succeed even with depression, why can’t I?”  The simple answer is, everyone is different, and unfortunately, every depression is, too.  Just remember that in most cases it’s something that  happens to you – you didn’t create it.

But you can fight it.  And that takes courage.  To most it’s a silent, invisible battle, because it all happens in your head.  But it is a battle, make no mistake.  And there are casualties.  Just remember, the world is a better place with you in it.  Don’t give in – fight back.

You will win.  And most likely, you will have to fight again.  And again.
But there is help.  And there are people who care about you who are willing to help.  But it can’t be their decision or even their wish – it has to be yours.

People who suffer from and battle depression most of their lives are some of the bravest people you will ever meet.

You’re not alone.

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

Mark Sanford wins congressional election.  “I will treat South Carolina like my mistress – um, wife!”

The Great Gatsby director Baz Luhrmann accused of substance abuse, in that he took a novel of substance and abused it.

CNN and Carnival neck in neck for most disasters.

Fox News promises damning Benghazi evidence against Obama as soon as they make it up.

GOP says that as far as the next presidential race goes, Ted Cruz is the best Canadian for the job.

Gun control debate continues as Congress reconvenes to resume ignoring it.

By clavius42