Royal Baby Has Most Twitter Followers


LONDON – A representative for Twitter confirmed today that only days after George Alexander Louis, the son of Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton, was born, he became the most followed account on the popular social network.

“In other words,” he said, “‘gaga’ is more popular than Lady Gaga.”

A million people started following George while he was still in Kate’s womb, which marks the first time a celebrity has ever been popularized while still in a gestation period.

“The number is now close to a billion,” said an anonymous member of the Royal family.  “It’s quite mad.  He won’t be responding to any tweets for at least three years.  And once he learns about this infernal network, he will have a lot of catching up to do.”

“Of course, in this socially connected, insane electronic internet world of ours, ‘hashtag’ may be his first word.”

Prince William and Kate declined to comment, as they were too busy living their own lives, to the dismay of newspapers, magazines and twenty-four hour news networks.

By clavius42

Boehner: Congress Would Have Higher Approval Rating If It Wasn’t Up to American People


WASHINGTON – Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner told “Face the Nation”‘s Bob Schieffer that Congress “should not be judged by how many new laws we create, but on how many laws we repeal.”

“I know this view is unpopular, and we may be constantly accused of not doing much, but when has that ever stopped us?”

Boehner went on to suggest that if it weren’t for the citizens of the United States, Congress would have a higher approval rating.

“They constantly think that what we do is for them, for their benefit,” said Boehner.  “It is this mass delusion that hurts our jobs and reputations.  Where they got this whole idea of us working for them, I have no idea.  It’s not like it’s written anywhere.”

Many colleagues of Boehner have expressed their agreement with the House Speaker, citing that “the next big law we actually should create is the the abolishment of polls.”

If people didn’t know what they really thought of us, it would be a real step in the right direction,” said Senator Mitch McConnell.

In other news, the excitement over the impending birth of Kate Middleton’s baby continues for people with no lives of their own…

By clavius42

Rest of U.S. Plans to Like Texas Again If Rick Perry Won’t Seek Re-Election


AUSTIN – Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that he will not seek re-election for Governor.  “There’s only so much damage you can do to one state – it’s time to move on,” he said.

“God has told me to take a different path.  He told me – apparently after talking to Michele Bachmann – that I should avoid the public spotlight – in fact avoid the public – to become the kind of person that the people of Texas want me to be.”

Shortly after Perry’s announcement, many state representatives across the nation said they are now reconsidering their disdain for Texas, “but only if Mr. Perry keeps his promise.”

“Maybe soon Texas Republicans will see the light, holster their guns, and start liking women again,” said one representative.

Perry also said that he will spend the next 18 months working to complete his tasks.  “Lotsa people to execute – gotta fill my quota!  And Merry Christmas!”

In related news, Senator Ted Cruz (TX) said that he was not concerned with his colleagues’ negative attitudes toward him.  “Someone has to carry on Perry’s reputation, as well as his legacy.”

By clavius42

The Dumbing Down of Comedy


Lately I have been watching various shows featuring the most popular comedians such as Louis C.K., Zach Galifianakis, Patton Oswalt, Kevin Hart, Anthony Jeselnik, Amy Schumer, and Daniel Tosh.

(I would also mention Dane Cook in that group, but he doesn’t actually tell jokes.  He just says stuff.  I am guessing his fans just like to hear him use words.)

Though all of these comics were getting laughs with the jokes they told, I couldn’t help but notice that the biggest laughs these people got were by simply mentioning such topics as child abuse, defecation, masturbation, misogyny, and even rape.  It was like an EKG – when any of these subjects came up, the audience’s laugh line would spike.

So basically, the people were not actually laughing at the jokes, but at the disbelief that the comics were talking about the subjects.

Has “wow I hadn’t thought of that in that way!” turned into “oh my God I can’t believe they said that!”?

There was a time when “blue humor” – the deliberate use of scatological remarks, sexual references, and strong language – was frowned upon in the comedy industry.  It was considered “cheap” and “lazy”.

But now it seems that the most popular comics today depend on “blue humor” – it is now more popular than “clean humor”.

So has our society become a bunch of third graders who laugh when someone says “doody”?

I guess the popularity of humor that doesn’t rely on shock is becoming an endangered species.

And that’s the worst shock of all.

By clavius42