Whack Jobs From All Over Nation Salute Ted Cruz

 

After Sen. Ted Cruz’s twenty-one hour stand against “Obamacare” on Tuesday, certified nutjobs are coming out all over the Internet to honor him.

“It takes a certain person to compare Obama to Hitler, to go on aimlessly about movies he watched, even reading ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ to prove his point,” said one whack job.  “Normally I and other crazy people just rant in our houses, or to various animals and signposts, but Mr. Cruz did it live on television.  He is my God now, along with the other voices that speak to me.”

There is talk that Sen. Cruz will be receiving a special Medal of Honor from the Tea Party, for “his continual stream of bullshit by which our forefathers brought forth, according to the Bill of Rights”.

“I have never been more proud to be an American,” said one Tea Party leader.  “What this country needs is firm leadership by a man who stands for the truth, and will not be swayed by facts or even common sense.  I believe Cruz is that man.”

“Mark my words, when the vote actually begins for Obamacare, no one will care that I was talking about the effects it has already had on the American people,” said Sen. Cruz.

“Judging things before knowing what they might actually do is one of the cornerstones of being a Republican.”

In related news, sources say the GOP is considering very carefully any associations with Texas politicians in the future.  “They make us look sane, for cryin’ out loud,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham.

iPhone 5s Cures Disease, Famine, Ends Violence in Middle East

The hotly anticipated iPhone 5s has apparently solved all of the world’s problems practically overnight, according to sources.  The new smartphone, which was released yesterday to rabid consumers who waited in line for hours, and some even days, features Apple-only apps which effectively root out all of the world’s problems at the touch of a screen.

“Critics say that the iPhone 5s is just another pointless upgrade and a blatant cash-grab,” said Apple CEO Tim Hunt.  “History will tell a different story.”

“This smartphone and its apps has done what Congress has been unable to do for years – which would be, well, anything actually. Apps and Apple will save the world, mark my words,” wrote tech blogger R. U. Binedis.

The much cheaper iPhone C, which also went on sale at the same time as the iPhone 5s, will not have the technology to rid the world of all disease, famine, and bloodshed, however.

“We’re not just giving away the solutions,” added Hunt.

In related news, the release date for the iPhone 6 will be announced in a few months, and there are claims that the technology will rival the power of God…

Open Minded Pope and Obamacare Signs of Armageddon, Says GOP

WASHINGTON – Today House Speaker and Tea Party Boy Toy John Boehner said that the American people should “brace themselves, for the signs of Apocalypse are coming true”.

“We have a Pope who doesn’t discriminate, actually communicates with his followers, and has a higher approval rating than Congress. There are people who are decrying the wealthy as not deserving of their fortunes, a President who may have stopped a war through other means than violence, and of course, Obamacare.  If you read your Bible, you know the text has mentioned all of these,” he commented on Fox News.

When asked why he didn’t include this year’s outbreak of mass shootings and bombings, he replied, “that’s already been blamed on video games – Grand Theft Auto V is reprehensible, but we can’t repeal it, so what’s the point?  Unless of course, Obama includes it with his Affordable Care Act.”

“It’s a travesty,” said John McCain in response.  “It’s a travesty that I may no longer have a war to talk about on news shows.  Talking points have become more and more difficult to come by recently.  I only wish the whole Benghazi thing went differently.”

Lindsey Graham voiced his approval of everything “my colleague John McCain said”.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have my annual free physical, or as I like to call it, my congressional privilege.”

 

Anthony Weiner Has Fingers Crossed for Big Win in His Imagination

NEW YORK – Mayoral candidate and unconfirmed Oscar Mayer spokesman Anthony Weiner said in an interview today that the race is looking good for him, clarifying that it was the race that was in his own head.

“In my mind, I am not accused of any wrongdoing, because nothing I did was wrong,” said Weiner.  “The people of New York should spend some time in my imagination, and then they would realize that.  If everyone thought like I did, I would be a shoe in.  Reality is overrated.  My superspy series Carlos Danger is a huge hit in my subconscious, by the way.”

“Speaking as a native New Yorker,” said one native New Yorker, “I would say that Weiner doesn’t have ****ing clue this poor ****** of winning a ****** if he was ******.  Stupid ****** piece of ****.”

In a controversial act of bipartisanship, Republican senator John McCain was reported to have sent his condolences to Weiner.  “I know what it’s like to lose something you never had a chance in hell of winning, and also how to hold an incredibly long grudge.”

In somewhat but not quite related news, the Devil has reported record freezing temperatures since many members of the GOP have started to side with President Obama regarding military actions in Syria…