NEW YORK – Mayoral candidate and unconfirmed Oscar Mayer spokesman Anthony Weiner said in an interview today that the race is looking good for him, clarifying that it was the race that was in his own head.
“In my mind, I am not accused of any wrongdoing, because nothing I did was wrong,” said Weiner. “The people of New York should spend some time in my imagination, and then they would realize that. If everyone thought like I did, I would be a shoe in. Reality is overrated. My superspy series Carlos Danger is a huge hit in my subconscious, by the way.”
“Speaking as a native New Yorker,” said one native New Yorker, “I would say that Weiner doesn’t have ****ing clue this poor ****** of winning a ****** if he was ******. Stupid ****** piece of ****.”
In a controversial act of bipartisanship, Republican senator John McCain was reported to have sent his condolences to Weiner. “I know what it’s like to lose something you never had a chance in hell of winning, and also how to hold an incredibly long grudge.”
In somewhat but not quite related news, the Devil has reported record freezing temperatures since many members of the GOP have started to side with President Obama regarding military actions in Syria…