WASHINGTON – Today House Speaker and Tea Party Boy Toy John Boehner said that the American people should “brace themselves, for the signs of Apocalypse are coming true”.
“We have a Pope who doesn’t discriminate, actually communicates with his followers, and has a higher approval rating than Congress. There are people who are decrying the wealthy as not deserving of their fortunes, a President who may have stopped a war through other means than violence, and of course, Obamacare. If you read your Bible, you know the text has mentioned all of these,” he commented on Fox News.
When asked why he didn’t include this year’s outbreak of mass shootings and bombings, he replied, “that’s already been blamed on video games – Grand Theft Auto V is reprehensible, but we can’t repeal it, so what’s the point? Unless of course, Obama includes it with his Affordable Care Act.”
“It’s a travesty,” said John McCain in response. “It’s a travesty that I may no longer have a war to talk about on news shows. Talking points have become more and more difficult to come by recently. I only wish the whole Benghazi thing went differently.”
Lindsey Graham voiced his approval of everything “my colleague John McCain said”. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have my annual free physical, or as I like to call it, my congressional privilege.”