The hotly anticipated iPhone 5s has apparently solved all of the world’s problems practically overnight, according to sources. The new smartphone, which was released yesterday to rabid consumers who waited in line for hours, and some even days, features Apple-only apps which effectively root out all of the world’s problems at the touch of a screen.
“Critics say that the iPhone 5s is just another pointless upgrade and a blatant cash-grab,” said Apple CEO Tim Hunt. “History will tell a different story.”
“This smartphone and its apps has done what Congress has been unable to do for years – which would be, well, anything actually. Apps and Apple will save the world, mark my words,” wrote tech blogger R. U. Binedis.
The much cheaper iPhone C, which also went on sale at the same time as the iPhone 5s, will not have the technology to rid the world of all disease, famine, and bloodshed, however.
“We’re not just giving away the solutions,” added Hunt.
In related news, the release date for the iPhone 6 will be announced in a few months, and there are claims that the technology will rival the power of God…