A recent independent study conducted independently in Independence, Missouri, showed that the 24 hour news network CNN has become distressingly similar to one of their competitors, Fox News.
After exhaustive research and analysis of material on CNN, including interviews conducted, special segments, election coverage, holographs, and the as of yet unexplained phenomenon known as “Wolf Blitzer”, analysts are baffled at the resemblance.
Head of the study Branford Hunt explained the findings even further. “Aside from the blatant bias for the GOP and Tea Party by Fox News,” he commented, “both news networks are hosted by people and feature segments so clueless in their nature, one could almost think that there is a conspiracy theory where there may be a connection, perhaps in ownership. I just can’t tell which one is Coke and which is Pepsi, man.”
CNN host Nancy Grace voiced her disdain for the study. “And I have millions of people who trust my judgment. What does that tell you?”
In other news, sources close to the GOP reported that all members have been instructed by a recent office memo to mention “Benghazi” in all future interviews…
HOUSTON – Sen. Ted Cruz returned to Houston this week, where he was greeted with a “hero’s welcome” by loyal Tea Partiers. A local Houston newspaper wished to clarify, however, that it was not a joke.
“When people read about the celebration, they surmised that since it wasn’t the beginning of April, but it was pretty close to Halloween, that it was still some sort of prank. But we assured them that it was a serious gathering. You can imagine their bafflement.”
After unsuccessfully trying to stop The Affordable Care Act, aiding in the government shutdown, pissing off most of his fellow Republicans, and generally being a dick, he arrived to a rabid group of Tea Party members at the headquarters of the King Street Patriots in northwest Houston.
“It is our goal to go back to our true political roots,” said chairman Rodney Aryan, “when the Democrats were the pig-headed ones and the Republicans were the crusaders for our freedom. Today, Senator Cruz is a shining example of the opposite.”
“People say mean things about me,” said Cruz to an enthralled audience of 1,000 supporters. “If I let that bother me, or deterred me from doing things that will systematically damage our democracy, then what kind of politician would I be?”
In other news, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West recently announced their engagement, according to the magazine “Who Gives A Shit?”….
WASHINGTON – As the government reopened its doors today after Congress approved a bipartisan measure to end a 16-day shutdown, which cost $24 billion and caused economic disaster nationwide, the American people looked next to the 2016 presidential election.
“We are confident that after the behavior exhibited by Congress – particularly the Republican members – only those with serious mental issues and/or lobotomies will be supporting a GOP nominee in 2016,” said one citizen.
“We fought the good fight. We just didn’t win,” claimed House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, on a radio show this week. “The ‘good fight’ being ‘a massive waste of money and time’. But we’re not down for the count by any means. We’ll be up and running in no time – there’s plenty of time for us to make soul-crushing mistakes before year’s end. And don’t forget – we also have January 15 to look forward to.”
Polls nationwide determined that the American people felt that the Republican Party were largely to blame for the government shutdown, “as well as every other stupid-ass decision made in the last few years”.
Sen. Ted Cruz voiced his disappointment with the “GOP caving in”.
“The pestilence that is Obamacare should not have a chance to thrive. And I will continue to compare it to atrocities in history such as the Holocaust, the Black Plague, and the crucifiction of Jesus Christ, with the exception that none of us actually can say what Obamacare will do to our country, nor should we choose to give any reason. That’s not our job.”
In related news, Rockstar Games dismissed the rumor that the next game in the Grand Theft Auto series, which enables players to kill and steal indiscriminately, would feature the ability to shut down the in-game government just to get what the player wanted. “We’re not monsters,” said creator Dan Houser.
For those of you who blame the government shutdown on Obama…
After the tragic shootings in Newtown, what did he do?
He tried to enforce background checks.
What did he not do?
He did not take away anyone’s guns. And he won’t.
Was he incessantly blamed for the Benghazi incident? Yes.
Was he implicated in the Benghazi incident? No.
Did the GOP intentionally shut down the government only to get what they wanted? Yes.
Did Obama try to avert the shutdown, and ask to have a dialogue with the GOP? Yes.
Did he tirelessly try to and successfully avert a war with Syria?
What exactly do you have a problem with? The fact that he’s not a dictator? That he doesn’t shut down the government to get what he wants? That he doesn’t blame video games and mental health institutions for mass shootings? That he didn’t go to war with Syria?
What is happening is madness. Make no mistake. Congress is not doing this for you, and hasn’t done anything for you in several years.
They are doing it for them.
Because when it comes to the American people, the only time they acknowledge us is when they look to see what they’re stepping on.
No one’s taking away your guns. The government is not instituting death panels. The NSA is not spying on you. And no one is taking away your freedom.
Write your congressman and tell them how you feel about being ignored, mistreated, and lied to.
That is not what it means to be someone who represents us.
And that is not what it means to be an American.
Thank you for your time.