WASHINGTON – As the government reopened its doors today after Congress approved a bipartisan measure to end a 16-day shutdown, which cost $24 billion and caused economic disaster nationwide, the American people looked next to the 2016 presidential election.
“We are confident that after the behavior exhibited by Congress – particularly the Republican members – only those with serious mental issues and/or lobotomies will be supporting a GOP nominee in 2016,” said one citizen.
“We fought the good fight. We just didn’t win,” claimed House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, on a radio show this week. “The ‘good fight’ being ‘a massive waste of money and time’. But we’re not down for the count by any means. We’ll be up and running in no time – there’s plenty of time for us to make soul-crushing mistakes before year’s end. And don’t forget – we also have January 15 to look forward to.”
Polls nationwide determined that the American people felt that the Republican Party were largely to blame for the government shutdown, “as well as every other stupid-ass decision made in the last few years”.
Sen. Ted Cruz voiced his disappointment with the “GOP caving in”.
“The pestilence that is Obamacare should not have a chance to thrive. And I will continue to compare it to atrocities in history such as the Holocaust, the Black Plague, and the crucifiction of Jesus Christ, with the exception that none of us actually can say what Obamacare will do to our country, nor should we choose to give any reason. That’s not our job.”
In related news, Rockstar Games dismissed the rumor that the next game in the Grand Theft Auto series, which enables players to kill and steal indiscriminately, would feature the ability to shut down the in-game government just to get what the player wanted. “We’re not monsters,” said creator Dan Houser.