HOUSTON – Sen. Ted Cruz returned to Houston this week, where he was greeted with a “hero’s welcome” by loyal Tea Partiers. A local Houston newspaper wished to clarify, however, that it was not a joke.
“When people read about the celebration, they surmised that since it wasn’t the beginning of April, but it was pretty close to Halloween, that it was still some sort of prank. But we assured them that it was a serious gathering. You can imagine their bafflement.”
After unsuccessfully trying to stop The Affordable Care Act, aiding in the government shutdown, pissing off most of his fellow Republicans, and generally being a dick, he arrived to a rabid group of Tea Party members at the headquarters of the King Street Patriots in northwest Houston.
“It is our goal to go back to our true political roots,” said chairman Rodney Aryan, “when the Democrats were the pig-headed ones and the Republicans were the crusaders for our freedom. Today, Senator Cruz is a shining example of the opposite.”
“People say mean things about me,” said Cruz to an enthralled audience of 1,000 supporters. “If I let that bother me, or deterred me from doing things that will systematically damage our democracy, then what kind of politician would I be?”
In other news, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West recently announced their engagement, according to the magazine “Who Gives A Shit?”….