“Black Friday” Game Debuts, Banned For Violence

The new game Black Friday was recently pulled from shelves and banned in several states after gamers and critics alike denounced it for its brutality. “In a world populated by games like God of War and Call of Duty,” one critic wrote about the game, “this one makes them look like Super Mario Bros..” A gamer posted, “for once, I am actually traumatized! To quote Transformers, ‘oh the humanity!'”

The game takes place in various shopping malls and retail stores nationwide. The gamer plays a person desperately trying to conquer growing crowds of violent hordes of people scrambling for the best deals the day after Thanksgiving. If the gamer attempts to buy something in demand, the bloodbath really starts.

Black Friday developer Batshit Crazy explains further details. “Once you grab something that’s in short supply or at a discount, like a flat-screen television, a PS4, an Xbox One, or even an iPhone 5s, you run the risk of attracting attention to yourself, and that’s when you grab your weapons. Thematically, it’s very similar to the many zombie games on the market, but this time you have to deal with human beings at their most primal.  That in itself puts most zombies to shame.”

Thanks

Each Thanksgiving, before my family sits down to eat, my Mom always asks everyone to say what they are thankful for.  Most of the time there is much eye-rolling and we try to placate her so we can just eat.

But this year, it seems more important than ever to say what I am thankful for – my family.

As some of you know, this has been a particularly difficult year for me, and there were times when I didn’t know what to do next, and some times when I didn’t care.

But my family has always been about love, understanding, and friendship, no matter what.  We all know each other to be good people, and together we strive to become the very best.

The true test of a family comes when life goes just plain nuts, and how we deal with it.  I think together there isn’t a battle we can’t win, there isn’t a feat we can’t accomplish, there isn’t a game we can’t best.  That’s what love is, and that’s what family should be.

I hope that all of you have found or find the happiness that comes with having human beings who, despite your flaws and theirs, love each other unconditionally and for who they are, no matter what.

Because together, the world is better and brighter for it.

Much love,
Glenn

News Networks Compare Obamacare Website to Apocalypse

Recently, national news networks have been likening Healthcare.gov – the website created so that people can sign up for affordable healthcare insurance – to the devastation of Katrina, the Holocaust, and now, the “impending Apocalypse”.

“People died in all of these events,” said Sen. Ted Cruz.  “The fact that people haven’t actually died or suffered from using the website doesn’t mean that it’s any less responsible.  We have to think of the American people, and more importantly, my supporters.”

CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer says that there have been overblown news comparisons to every major event in recent history.  “Who can forget the Clinton scandal being compared to Pearl Harbor?”

Kathleen Sebelius, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services, has apologized, along with President Obama, about Healthcare.gov and its faulty system.  “The fact that we actually confessed the problems seems to be overwhelming to the GOP, as they haven’t actually apologized for quite some time for anything, if ever.”

In other news, Liz Cheney wished to clarify that she had no opposition to her sister Mary.  “It’s just that we have always had a sibling rivalry about her heathen lifestyle.”

NEED TO SHOW version 2.0 – “Selfies”? Seriously?

On Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and even Google Plus, people share photos of their family and friends, where they live, what they eat, even where they travel.  Millions of people – many of them total strangers – have access to what you’re feeling, who you spend time with, even what you like, simply by reading your posts, watching your videos, and viewing your photos.

There are a multitude of apps whose sole purpose is to enable you to share every moment of your life digitally.

The term “selfies” – pictures people take of themselves using their smartphones – has become part of the popular vernacular.  People are even taking photos of themselves while driving.  That together with texting messages while driving has led to a number of injuries and fatalities on the road just this year.

“Personal” is quickly becoming an endangered species of a word.
Even before the advent of social networks, this kind of behavior would be wrong on so many levels.

We have apparently become so needy of other people’s attention that we simply disregard our privacy, our most personal thoughts, our friends and family, and apparently our own personal safety and that of others – all in a desperate bid for attention.

Is there such a thing as privacy now, and more importantly, does anyone still feel the need to protect it?

Ask yourself this.  And be honest with your answer.
Just don’t share it.

GOP Admits Guns Do Kill People – Just Nobody They Care About

After much media pressure, NRA CEO and Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre held a conference today to make a statement, claiming that he was speaking for members of the GOP as well.

“We are willing to admit, along with our supporters, that guns do in fact kill people, but we are still not concerned, because the people who have been affected by gun violence have not been anyone we care about,” said LaPierre.

“Once someone close to us – say family, friends, or shareholders – is killed by guns, then and only then will we take a stand.  This also applies to the possible need of medical benefits for the above mentioned persons, as well as has been proven in the past, discoveries that our sons or daughters are homosexual,” explained House Speaker John Boehner.

Fox News also revealed that they have “contingency plans” for any such possibilities.  “We are developing fund-raisers, gut-wrenching docudramas, and even panels with concerned Republican mothers and fathers, should the need arise.  And of course, we are fully prepared to blame any concerns on Obama.”

In somewhat related news, Sarah Palin spoke on a morning show against Benghazi, and also talked about her new book, “Saving Christmas, and More Importantly, My Celebrity”…

James Patterson Admits to Writing Rand Paul’s Column

WASHINGTON – The Washington Post recently put an end to a column written by Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky) after it was discovered that numerous articles had been plagiarized from other sources.  Instead of apologizing for his wrongdoing, Paul has instead become angry for what he considers “typical college behavior”.

But today author James Patterson held a press conference saying that he was willing to admit that he had “co-authored” a great deal of Rand Paul’s articles.  “I freely confess that I – meaning “my staff of writers who write my novels” – participated in plagiarism.  But since rules of writing have never prevented me from authoring a bestseller, I had not considered it a big deal.  Until now.”

The authors’ world was furious with the admission.  Author Stephen King said, “Novels and columns should not be written by committee, because more often than not, the message and intent gets lost and it becomes a mess for all involved.  Just look at Congress.”

Rand Paul still plans to campaign for President, however.  “I didn’t get to where I am by doing the right thing, or even being concerned about it,” said Paul.  “And in the Republican world, that’s what makes me the prime contender.”

In other news, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted that he smoked crack in many of his drunken stupors, but wished to clarify it was only when he was texting while driving…