Fox News’ Megyn Kelly announced today on her new hit show, “The Kelly File”, that not only were Santa Claus and Jesus Christ white, but so was every holiday character in American tradition.
“I believe it is safe to say that from The Easter Bunny to Baby New Year, there have never been any non-Caucasian imaginary representatives of our holidays,” said Kelly. “Some people prefer the chocolate Easter Bunny, though, but I don’t think that reflects on his ethnicity. And Cupid would never create an interracial or homosexual match. That I can easily confirm from something I read somewhere, which is also the basis for the topics of my show.”
Kelly went on to clarify that, even though Jesus Christ, who historians have concluded must have been of Arabic persuasion, as well as dark-skinned, is not an imaginary character and was a white man who looked exactly like Greg Allman. “But I do also wish to clarify that Mr. Allman is not the son of God – as I explained in my last Fox News special report.”
Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, Cupid, Father Time, and Baby New Year were not available to comment, as they don’t freaking exist.