Transcript of the GOP Response to the State of the Union Address

Hello.  I’m Cathy McMorris Rodgers.

Can you say that?  Good for you!

What an honor it is for me to speak with all of you after hearing a godless heathen and his plans for America.

What are our plans for America, you ask?
Well let me tell you…

I grew up working at my family’s orchard and fruit stand in Kettle Falls, a small town in Eastern Washington — getting up before dawn with my brother to pick apples.
My dad drove a school bus and my mom worked as a part-time bookkeeper.
They taught me to work hard, help others, and always, always dream for more.
So, when I showed my 4H animals at the county fair, my parents used to say to me, “Cathy, you need to save this money so you can go to college one day!”
So I did — I saved, I worked hard, and I became the first in my family to graduate from college.

I think that speaks for itself, and is why we all should say a prayer for a better America.

The President talks a lot about income inequality.
But the real gap we face today is one of opportunity inequality…

What is our solution?
Well let me tell you…

(story where she grew up working at family’s orchard and fruit stand in Kettle Falls)

We offer real answers.  And ask real questions.
Questions that affect you and your family, and answers that we never get around to.

I’m sure that all of you understand that.

Years from now our children will say that we rebuilt the American Dream.  Unless of course there is the Apocalypse brought on by the Liberals.

Now it looks like it’s way past a lot of your bedtimes, so I will conclude with a story my parents told me when I was young.

(story where she grew up working at family’s orchard and fruit stand in Kettle Falls)

God Bless the United States of America, and God rain down hellfire on the President and his Obamacare.

Nighty-night!

Government Shutdown Was Created by Homosexuals, Says Cruz

Today Texas Senator Ted Cruz vehemently denied any involvement with the recent government shutdown.

“I do not recall saying anything in support of what happened, or even working to make sure it would happen,” said Cruz.  “It’s just another blatant attempt by the Liberal media to take things I said in context.”

“If you really want someone to blame, put it on homosexuals.  Whenever I need a scapegoat, I use them!  Like they would ever fight back.”

House Speaker John Boehner commented on Cruz’s statements.  “Are you kidding me??” he said.  “I’ve been compromising my beliefs and working as a mouthpiece for a party that says something and  then claims they didn’t say it?  If I didn’t know any better, I would think I was in the Republican party!”

Cruz has garnered a huge following since his non-filibuster against Obamacare last year, and there has been talk of a presidential run.

The senator was visibly angry after hearing about this.  “Supporting a government shutdown, trying to destroy Obamacare, and now this stuff about running for President?  Hasn’t anyone listened to a word I have said?”

In not-at-all related news, after New York Governor Cuomo’s remarks about Sean Hannity leaving the state, an offer has been made by Russian President Vladimir Putin, involving asylum for the Fox News host, as well as Justin Bieber, “and any other people North America no longer wants”…

Huckabee Apologizes for Comments, Didn’t Know What “Libido” Was

WASHINGTON – Mike Huckabee, former Arkansas governor, Republican presidential candidate, talk-show host, Baptist preacher, and floor wax, said today that he wished to amend his statements regarding the Democrats’ “war on women”.

“When I said that women didn’t have control over their own libidos, I confess that I didn’t know what a ‘libido’ really was,” said Huckabee.  “My sources have now informed me that it had nothing to do with the ‘women’s lib’ movement.  I try to be a student of history, but sometimes I have a hard time believing a lot of things I say.”

Huckabee also wished to clear up his reference to the Democrats as being “Uncle Sugar” for aiding helpless women with giving them birth control.

“To my knowledge, there is no Uncle Sugar affiliated with the DNC, but I am looking into a doctor with the same name,” he said.

Fox News said that they are encouraging more people to watch “The Huckabee Report” to get the facts straight before the show’s cancellation soon.

Sarah Palin said that she fully supports Huckabee regarding his comments, and as soon as she actually reads them, she will have more to say…

Manager Calls Justin Bieber “Perfect Role Model for Teens”

LOS ANGELES – Pop singer and fashion icon Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun said today in a news conference that “Justin could very well be the perfect role model for teen America”.

“He’s young, he’s egocentric, he’s irresponsible – that’s what being a teen is all about now,” said Braun.  “Justin has proven that being a no talent dick is the key to success in this world.  God love ’em.”

Bieber was recently arrested for drunken driving and resisting arrest in Miami Beach, Florida.  This was the newest event in a long line of recent irresponsible behavior.

Some diehard fans expressed disappointment in their idol.  “i swear,” tweeted Jenny Belieber, “if Justin does 6 more things like this i will never 4give him! #belieber4ever “.

“When I look at celebrities like Bieber, Miley, Kanye, R, it gives me real hope for the future of teens worldwide,” added Braun.  They have demonstrated time and time again that to make it in this world, you have to say goodbye to modesty, good behavior, and even morals. When this generation soon runs the country, we will all be in very good hands.”

In related news, Justin Bieber responded to the recent allegations by saying that he will keep on behaving badly until his balls drop…

Golden Globe Experts Predict Fox News Will Sweep Television Awards

HOLLYWOOD – As anticipation grows for tonight’s Golden Globe Awards, many experts claim that popular shows like Breaking Bad, Modern Family, and Downton Abbey will lose to the Fox News Network.

“For my money, the best comedy, writing and acting last year came from only one source.  The fact that people still believe that it and its people are real will prove to be a big joke on all of them,” said one analyst.

“You really have to credit the writers,” said Golden Globes expert Manny Johnson.  “When you watch the hosts and reporters, it’s almost impossible to believe their brains could come up with anything.”

Golden Globes host Tina Fey weighed in on what makes Fox News so special. “It’s like a 24 hour reality show – it’s complete bullshit, and like ‘Duck Dynasty’, it has a following.”  Amy Poehler – also hosting – added, “which says a lot about evolution when you think about it.”

But some media analysts beg to differ.  “I don’t know,” said TV Guide’s Paula Shore.   “After last year, I think CNN is due for some awards. When it comes to utter crap and fabrication, they really gave Fox News a run for their money in 2013!”

In related news, many people are projecting American Hustle to win Best Picture, which they say will make way for a new award in 2015 – the Most Overrated Movie of The Year…

Rush Limbaugh Says “Polar Vortex” Is Hoax, “Just Like Science”

Yesterday Conservative radio host and human Macy’s Parade float Rush Limbaugh told his listeners that the “polar vortex” that is sweeping the nation with record freezing temperatures was just a hoax concocted by the Democrats.

“The Left want us to believe that this is a sign of the so-called ‘global warming’, but this is just another feeble attempt by them to put forth their crazy notion about ‘science’.  Will they ever learn?”

Fox News said that they fully support Limbaugh’s views.  “The problem with Obama’s America is that they base their opinions on facts and evidence,” said Sean Hannity.  “If there’s enough of both, how does that explain that we’re still on the air?”

Phil Robertson, star of “Duck Dynasty” and GOP hopeful, said that Obama was probably behind the “polar vortex”.

“Though I wouldn’t rule out them homosexuals neither,” he added.

Top Ten Predictions for 2014

10. Fox News discovered to be elaborate prank by Lorne Michaels of SNL

9. Kanye West’s ego discovered as cause for global warming

8.  Duck Dynasty moves to Fox News Network, Phil Robertson courted for presidency by Tea Party

7.  Studies show “Selfies” as leading cause of stupidity

6.  Congress voted out, replaced by local kindergarten class – budget decided, all economic problems solved within two weeks

5.  Facebook discovered to be project by NSA

4.  Ted Cruz beaten to death by ghosts of Boston Tea Party

3.  “Too big to fail” overrided by Supreme Court, bank CEOs sentenced to prison for “crimes against humanity”

2. Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber revealed to be same person, becomes leading act in Las Vegas.

 

And the Number One Prediction for 2014…

1. Apple introduces iLife, reality becomes obsolete.