Bitcoin Losses May Be Recovered With Monopoly Money

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Mt. Gox, one of the world’s biggest bitcoin exchanges, filed for bankruptcy protection earlier today, after losing a half a billion dollars in virtual money due to hacking.  But help may be on the way for bitcoin investors.

“We are discussing a joint project with Parker Brothers to use Monopoly money in order to recover from the losses,” said a bitcoin representative.  “It’s a case of non-existent money in exchange for another type of non-existent money.”

The FCE, or Fictional Currency Exchange, is on board to regulate moneys should the plan go ahead.  “We are working to avoid further abuse of internet-only currency.  I don’t think anyone wants to repeat the Bejeweled Blitz Crash of ’11.  A lot of people took a virtual bath on that one.”

“I think if we all pull together,” bitcoin owner Mark Karpeles said today in a news conference, “gullible online investors will not lose faith in bitcoin, nor any future fictional currency endeavors.”

In related news, bitcoin advises investors to be careful of other frauds, lest they go to Jail, do not pass Go, nor collect $200…

By clavius42

Arizona Lawmakers Having Difficulty Enforcing Anti-Gay Measures: “They Look Like Ordinary People”

Supreme Court Hears Oral Arguments On Arizona Immigration Law
PHOENIX – Arizona Governor Jan Brewer admitted today that a conundrum was created with the recent passing of a law that would enable businesses to discriminate against gays.”We are very pleased with this important anti-gay step,” Brewer said, “but I and my colleagues seem to be having a devil of a time keeping it enforced.  Truth be told – homosexuals, in many ways, look just like ordinary people!”

“It’s much easier with illegal immigrants, because they’re brown, and they don’t speak English.  If somehow we could make all gays brown and teach them Spanish, it would make my job much easier.”

Many businesses have protested the discriminatory act, saying that they have the right to decide for themselves who to serve.  “We have a newsflash for Governor Brewer,” said one restaurant owner.  “It’s the freakin’ twenty-first century, not the sixties!”

Brewer was quick to counter with explaining that she was only trying to uphold the American way of life.  “White, wealthy, and Conservative,” said Brewer.  Why on earth would anyone want to be anything else?”

In somewhat related news, the NRA is suing Texas for preventing teenagers from purchasing firearms.  “It is every teenager’s God-given right to blow away another teenager,” said Vice President Wayne LaPierre.

 
By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

Happy B-Day to my Dad!

Your son…

…Glenn

…oh great, we’re gonna have that conversation again…

 

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By clavius42

Many Conservatives Support Theory That Babies Come From Storks

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There are a rapidly growing number of Conservative lawmakers who say they believe that some “old wives tales” are based on fact.

“There is no consensus or evidence suggesting mothers’ backs are being broken because their children are stepping on sidewalk cracks,” one Conservative said.  “That is still conjecture at this point.  But there is irrefutable evidence that storks bring babies, thereby negating women’s need for reproductive rights.”

Jerome Corsi, Ph.D (no, really) author of “The Great Oil Conspiracy”, “Obama’s a Gay Nazi”, and “Why Am I Not In a Straitjacket?”, is a fervent supporter of the “stork theory”.  “Anyone who tells you that it’s not possible, is a Liberal, left wing, believer of climate change and the ‘world is round’ theory.  In short, total nutcases.”

Many scientists have disproven most of the Conservatives’ “facts” and “evidence”.  When asked about “the stork theory”, however, they could not give a straight answer, mostly due to the fact that they couldn’t stop laughing.

“It seems that every other week some Republican politician comes up with something that can be proven false by science, biology, or just plain common sense,” said one scientist.

“To suggest that we would ever use science, biology or common sense in our beliefs, is a mockery of what we stand for,” replied Corsi.

By clavius42

Top Ten Republican National Committee Valentine’s Day E-Cards

10.  Be mine, for Obama’s Apocalypse is coming.

9.  You’re my Keystone pipeline to love.

8.  You put the Fox in Fox News!

7.  Do your eyes get misty when you think of Chris Christie?

6.  We’ll hold hands and get rid of the homeless!

5.  Is that a filibuster in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

4.  Roses are red, violets are blue, Obama is the Devil.

3.  I want to be a caveman to your dinosaur.

2.  Tell me that we’re happy, but don’t say you’re gay about it.

and the number one Republican National Committee Valentine’s Day E-Card…

1.  Cupid’s arrow has im-Palined me!

By clavius42

Exclusive Interview with Cupid!

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TN: Today we have a legendary character in mythology, the one and only Cupid!  So here’s Mr. Valentine’s Day himself…

C: Howdy.

TN: So you must be pretty busy today, huh?

C: Not really.

TN: Why not?

C: Well, most couples these days meet online, through services like Match.com and eHarmony.  Hell, they are even meeting through apps now!

TN: So I’m guessing the bow and arrow business is not as good as it used to be?

C: Pretty much.  And now it’s a lot of chiding by other mythical characters.

TN: Really!

C: Lotta name calling mostly.  “Diaper Boy”, “Lovelorn Legolas”.
If it wasn’t for “The Hunger Games”, my mystique would be totally non-existent.

TN: Sorry to hear that.

C: Eh, no big whoop.  At least I’ve got my porn site.

TN: I won’t ask.

C: Yeah, I wouldn’t.

TN: So has the world really changed that much since you started your business?

C: Has it!  The divorce rate is way up, physical interaction has been replaced by texting, and don’t get me started about those Cialis commercials.  Trojan Man and I have had regular bitch sessions about those things.

TN: Do you think the texting thing will eventually replace human contact?

C: Just a matter of time, dude.  Pretty soon love will be something that slips through the cracks of technology.

TN: Nicely put!

C: Thanks.  I also moonlight writing for Hallmark.

TN: Well thanks for your time.

C: No sweat.  Enjoy Valentine’s Day.

TN: I’m single.

C: Exactly. 

By clavius42

Chris Christie Says He May Not Be The Wonderful Person He Thought He Was

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie looks on while giving his State of the State address in the assembly chamber in Trenton
NEW JERSEY – Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that when he woke up this morning, he had a startling revelation.

“It was hard to imagine,” he told reporters, “but I just realized I may not be the wonderful, brilliant person I think I am.  My popularity has dwindled, and my party is seriously reconsidering my presidential bid.  I am pretty sure I have done everything right – like always – but for some inexplicable reason, I am dealing with a lingering doubt.”

Many critics of Christie have cited the recent erratic behavior of the governor as a reason for the drop in people’s confidence.  “If he can’t bribe or threaten someone, he doesn’t seem to be able to do his job,” said one critic.  “And his ego may just be the cause of climate change, particularly our recent harsh weather.  I guess I have an apology to make to Kanye West.”

Christie said that his New Jersey upbringing is partly the fault for people’s perception for him as a bully.  “I was raised to believe that if you can’t do something right, make other people do it and take the credit.  Oh, and guys, stop asking about the missing money for Hurricane Sandy victims, or you will find yourself on something worse than a closed bridge.”

In other news, Russian president Vladimir Putin says that people staying in Sochi for the Winter Olympics will appreciate their stay more if they are not concerned with their hotel rooms having roofs, electricity, or water…

By clavius42

Fox News’ Stuart Varney Defends Misinformation About CBO Report: “I Need My Job”

Stuart Varney - Fox & Friends - 12-2-13
Fox News has no comment after revealing misinformation about the latest Congressional Budget Office report, in their claims that the CBO was projecting the Affordable Care Act (or ObamaCare, or as Fox News calls it, The Devil’s Work) would cost nearly 2.5 million jobs.

Fox News personality and berk Stuart Varney said today that he defended the blatant use of misinformation by the twenty-four hour news network.  “I will not take back anything I or anyone said about Obamacare.  I say this as a loyal Fox News employee, and most importantly, as a person who can’t afford to lose his job.”

“If we all lost our jobs over anything we said, we would all be thrust into the real world, where people are working two or more jobs to survive – even though it has been reported that most of them have refrigerators.  Fox News is a cocoon from the actual world.  We have the freedom to say anything we can come up with, true or not.  I can’t imagine living in a place that would not afford that privilege to me,” said Varney.

“I would also like to add,” Varney added, “that we would all get our asses kicked in an actual employment search.  Can you imagine how many people we have pissed off with our callous and selfish comments on the impoverished working class?”

In somewhat related news, the Super Bowl Coca-Cola ad controversy is dying down, but activity still flourishes on Twitter by bigoted, homophobic, ignorant chowderheads… 

By clavius42

Sunday’s Game Ruined by Player Fumbling Ball

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WASHINGTON – Sunday’s widely anticipated televised game was ultimately a huge disappointment due to the fact that one of the players on the opposing team fumbled the ball several times during the show, thereby giving his rival the advantage.  The athlete he was playing against was in top form, intercepting and carrying the ball for multiple touchdowns.

Many critics pointed out the possible reason for the failure.  “Clearly the player thought that his team was sending him as their star player to win the game,” said one critic.  “But once again, they underestimated the strength and behavior of their opponent, and clearly the guy was out of his league.”

“If he knew what he was doing, this could have easily been avoided.  But as any good player will tell you, you need to know who you’re playing, and also know when to change your plan of action.”

Another argument was that the player in question resorted to some plays that had been already been tried time and time again, with no change in results.

“When the old plays aren’t working, it’s time to come up with something new.  But sometimes people refuse to learn, even with actions that clearly didn’t work the first time.”

In other news, the Denver Broncos lost to the Seattle Seahawks 43 – 8…

By clavius42