NEW JERSEY – Earlier this week, New Jersey governor Chris Christie was very pleased to announce that, after a very detailed and thorough investigation by himself, he was not liable for the September shutdown of the George Washington Bridge.
“I was very meticulous with myself,” said Christie. “I left no stone unturned, no possible clue undiscovered. I would like to thank me on behalf of me for a job very well done.”
Chris Christie’s investigation pointed not to the governor, but instead to everyone else.
“If there are any guilty parties to be accused, the findings clearly put the blame on anyone who is not me,” said Christie.
When asked about the missing Hurricane Sandy funds, Christie put any fears to rest. “I am now looking into that as well for myself, and I am confident that I will be clearing myself of any wrongdoing.”
In related news, Russian president Vladimir Putin denies putting any Russian soldiers in Crimea, based on information obtained by Putin…
As more and more evidence is being revealed that Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 has indeed crashed into the Indian Ocean, 24 hour news network CNN has professed its grief.
“Speculating about what happened to the flight was our meat and potatoes for the past few weeks,” said host Wolf Blitzer. “Without any actual facts, we were free to make up stuff and utilize cutting edge technology to show what the plane looked like, the flight path, and what aliens might have done with the passengers.”
While there are still a few mysteries as to what actually caused the crash, many still admit they are disappointed. “Once the plane has crashed, the magic is gone,” said CNN Worldwide President Jeff Zucker. “It is a sad day for what we call news. Also, it’s pretty bad for the families of the passengers, too.”
One host is still remaining positive, however. “There might still be a chance that the mystery of Flight 370 was swallowed by a black hole,” said Don Lemon. “So I still have hope.”
In related news, Fox News Network will be airing a special documentary this weekend called “Flight 370: What Did Obama Know?”
TOPEKA, KANSAS – Fred Phelps, the pastor who headed the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, was put to rest today, as angry picketers surrounded the mourners.
“They were holding signs up saying that our pastor deserved to die because of who he was!” said one church member. “Have these heartless individuals no respect???”
Daughter Shirley Phelps-Roper said, “a man has died, and all they can do is heckle and dismiss the humanity of this person. I am personally shocked, surprised, and offended!”
Shirley and other members of the family are discussing possible legal action with the local court. When asked if there was a case for legal action, the judge replied, “are you kidding???”
Many conservative groups are up in arms due to recent scientific findings that may just prove the “Big Bang theory”.
Mitchell Bryan, head of the Coalition for a Better Flat Earth, said today that “this is yet another attempt by Liberals to put facts ahead of ignorance.”
“Sticking only to what we believe and ignoring anything else is what makes our party great,” said Bryan. “It is a sad day when this so-called ‘evidence’ strengthens people’s support of science. But in the long run, ignorance will prevail.”
If the “Big Bang” is proven accurate, many scientists believe, then other conservative ideas, like “creationism”, are in danger of losing their credibility.
“If dinosaurs and man did not live together 7,000 years ago,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann in a recent interview, “then how do you explain The Flintstones???”
In somewhat related news, the GOP is reassessing slavery in history, deeming slave owners as merely “job creators”…
Reports indicate that things said by Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) are still being widely reported by several online and twenty-four hour news networks.
“It’s baffling,” said one journalist. “She keeps saying inaccurate and just plain batshit crazy things, but people still listen to her.”
Just recently, Bachmann claimed that Americans are being bullied by homosexuals, using intimidation tactics to dictate legislation.
“They’re even calling themselves ‘Americans’!,” said Bachmann. “It’s like they think they’re living in the United States!”
“It’s one of those rare phenomenons,” said one political analyst. “Clearly the woman needs medication and possibly to be institutionalized, but instead people are supporting her beliefs and claims. It’s like the mystery of celebrities – these people divert attention from people who actually have important things to say.”
In related news, an independent study is underway to investigate why people are still listening to John McCain…