Mitch McConnell’s face melts onstage, handlers quickly grab him and put him in his custom-made cooler.
Fox News shows network highlights of 2013, nearby bullshit detector overloads.
Paul Ryan recounts true stories he read in tabloid magazines at grocery store.
Mitt Romney dodges security, but is quickly apprehended and dismissed from conference.
Rand Paul wins straw poll, guaranteeing failure to be elected in 2016.
John McCain announces presidential campaign, but is drowned out by uncontrollable laughter.
Vladimir Putin wins “Most Eligible Candidate” award.
Rob Ford wins “Our Man in Canada” award.
Ted Cruz pisses off everyone, but Tea Party is on standby to comfort him.