Sarah Palin’s Comments Surprise People Still Listening to Her

Sarah Palin

In a recent meeting of the National Rifle Association (NRA), reality show star in her own reality Sarah Palin said that if she was in charge, “waterboarding would be how we baptize terrorists”.  This comment surprised many people who are actually still listening to her.

“Even for her, it’s pretty strong stuff,” said one political journalist, “but if you’re still amazed by what comes out of Sarah Palin’s mouth, that’s an even bigger problem.”

Sarah Palin also warned people at an event for Senate candidate Joni Ernst to not be fooled by the deceptive charm of President Obama. “He’s a wolf in cheap clothing,” she said.  “And from the signing of the Declaration of Codependence, which granted equal rights to slaves, to the Russians’ bombing of Pearl Harbor, I believe the Republican Party will rise once again, and find its place in the anals of American history!”

The ten people who attended cheered at her words.  Said one attendee, “if I ever had to think for myself, I would have never experienced this incredible woman!  Common sense be damned!”

Many news outlets refused to report on her recent inflammatory speech.  “We have far better and more relevant things to report on,” said one reporter.  “She’s the Miley Cyrus of politics.”

Palin stands by her comments, and also that she will continue to be a contributor to what she says is the last bastion of truth, Fox News.  

“After all, they’ve been around for at least two hundred years! They just weren’t on television before it was invented.”

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By clavius42

Sean Hannity Wants to Apologize for Comments Made by Sean Hannity

Louie Gohmert

After Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy’s recent racial remarks, Fox News host Sean Hannity said today that he would like to apologize for what “Sean Hannity said about Bundy”.

“Clearly Sean Hannity was wrong in his impression of Bundy,” said Hannity.  “I honestly don’t know what was going through Sean Hannity’s head when he made all those positive comments about this now-confirmed racist.  He tried to elevate Bundy to folk hero status, without getting all the facts.  But, as everyone who watches Hannity’s show knows, this is not the first time he has made that mistake.”

Cliven Bundy became a hero of the anti-government right wing after his armed standoff against the Bureau of Land Management, to which he owes over $1 million in grazing fees.

“I compare myself to the founding fathers,” said Bundy.  “Well, those that owned slaves.”

“If Sean Hannity were here,” said Sean Hannity in a radio interview, “I believe that he would be happy to take back anything he said about Bundy.  But that’s something you should talk to Hannity about.”

In related news, “Duck Dynasty” patriarch Phil Robertson voiced his support for Cliven Bundy.  “Without racist guvment hatin’ gun totin’ rednecks, this country would advance.  I’m proud to support a political party that doesn’t want that to happen.”    

By clavius42

Top Ten Alternate Titles for Third Hobbit Movie

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As you know, the third Hobbit movie’s subtitle has been changed from There and Back Again to The Battle of the Five Armies.  But that wasn’t the only possible title change.   

Top Ten Alternate Titles for Third Hobbit Movie

10) Attack of the Dwarves (or Revenge of the Sauron)

9) Three More Hours of Middle Earth

8) The End of This Freakin’ Thing

7) Smaug Gets His Own Spin-Off

6) A Tribute to Wigs and Facial Hair

5) Andy Serkis Plays Everyone

4) The Extended Director’s Cash Grab

3) Don’t Drink Anything Before Watching This

2) The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

and the Number One Alternate Title for the Third Hobbit Movie…

1) Peter Jackson’s WETA Dream

By clavius42

Georgia Governor Ensures Generations of Guns Will Be Safe

ELLIJAY, GA – Nathan Deal, governor of Georgia and gun advocate, signed the state’s “Safe Carry Protection Act”, which allows safe treatment for guns in schools, churches, and other public places.
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“Our state has some of the best protections for gun owners in the United States,” said Deal . “And today we strengthen those rights protected by our nation’s most revered founding document, the magazine ‘Guns and Ammo’.”

“I want to ensure that guns and their families will be protected for years to come, to be able to come and go as they please, and to blow away anyone who gets in their way.  Guns are our future – we should treat them with the respect they deserve.”

Many critics of the act are calling it irresponsible, dangerous, and, as one person labeled it, “batshit crazy”.

“Georgia will become a state of gun nuts,” said the critic.  “Wayne LaPierre must be wetting his pants.”

“Why must guns suffer this kind of treatment?” said LaPierre.  “They deserve a place in our country more than anyone or anything. Particularly women and minorities.  And yes, I did wet my pants.”

“I want Georgia to be a safe place for our guns,” added Deal.  “I hope that the rest of the country follows our example, as an example for their children’s guns.”

In other news, Russian president Vladimir Putin denies any involvement in the Ukraine. “Anything resembling reality is not my concern,” said Putin. 

By clavius42

GOP Wages War on Obama, Earth

EarthDay

The battle of the Republican Party against President Barack Obama continues, with the latest reports showing that the party now has their sights on who they call a frequent collaborator with the President, the planet Earth.

“This so-called ‘Earth Day’, with the selfish focus on this planet’s treatment,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, “well, it smacks of Obama’s long standing campaign to preserve his presidency just so he can selfishly make sure people are insured and prosperous. If we can concentrate our efforts on the elimination of Earth, Obama will have one less supporter.”

Many members of the GOP have concluded that the planet has been “stingy” with its resources, particularly oil. “We know there is more oil to be had, but just like Obama, there is an evident refusal by Earth to compromise. And if we had our way, we would drain the planet of every last drop. We would also get rid of the word ‘compromise’,” said House Speaker John Boehner.

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh weighed in with his thoughts.  “This ‘climate change’, with its increasingly destructive consequences, reminds me of a baby not getting his way and throwing a temper tantrum. And unlike when I do it, it’s just childish behavior! Who does this Earth think it is, anyway?”

Sources in Congress are reporting that a committee is being formed as a contingency to what they call “a dire future for America”. The World Termination Foundation, or WTF, aims to destroy the image of the planet, thereby severing another link to Obama, in hopes of securing a Republican presidency in 2016.

“And of course,” Boehner added, “keeping their best interests in mind, we are counting on the American people to pay for it…”

In other news, many at Fox News deny the disrespectful, possibly racist treatment of Obama as president.  “He is the best treated African-American president in history,” said host Eric Bolling. 

By clavius42

Knowledge is Power: Things I Learned from Watching Movies

1) A character always overhears a conversation and gets the wrong idea.

2) When walking into a room, someone always answers a question they could not possibly have heard.

3) Two characters attempt to kiss, only to be interrupted.

4) One person has vital information to tell another, but after the other person says what they want to say and asks what they wanted, they say “nothing”, or lie.

5) Professional killers can destroy everything but the person they’re trying to kill.

6) An evil mastermind always explains their plan to the secret agent they have caught.

7) Characters can jump across buildings and catch a ledge without fracturing any bones.

8) Characters can also jump down from tall heights, but not break their legs.

9) Cops can kick in doors, no matter what the door is made of.

10) Characters always point a gun at someone, but they don’t cock it, which normally would give their foe a chance to shoot them or escape.

11) Characters who are thrown through glass windows never get cut.

12) After making love, either the couple will be fully dressed in bed, or the man will have a sheet up to his waist and the woman will have a sheet up to her neck.

13) Even in the seediest areas of a city, no one locks their cars.

14) People always leave their keys in their cars, often in the ignition.

15) Everyone knows how to drive motorcycles, boats, and planes.

16) A person who has never picked up a gun will shoot their enemies with accuracy that their assailants don’t have.

17) When someone punches another person in a bar, a bar fight will always start up.

18) If someone gets mad because their cell phone isn’t working, they always throw it.

19) Anyone can hack into high security computers.

20) Family photos always look like they are professionally done.

21) If a character runs across a street, nine times out of ten they will be hit by a car, but they won’t be injured.

22) In a fight, the woman always chooses a vase to break over the bad guy’s head.

23) Being hit with a bottle or a vase does not give a person a concussion.

24) No matter how thick glass is, anyone can jump through it.

25) When one character tells another, “you look terrible!”, the other character doesn’t look any different.

26) Women always wake up in the morning with their hair and makeup perfect.

27) If a man runs down a beam or pipe, he will slip and fall on his crotch, but not be injured.

28) Anyone can breathe underwater indefinitely.

29) If a bad guy is shooting from a balcony and he is shot, he will fall through the railing in front of him.

30) When running from an explosion, people are not injured or killed by shrapnel or debris.

31) Everyone knows the phone numbers and houses where other people live.

32) After the bad guy wrecks his car, the good guy runs up to the driver side, only to discover that the bad guy has disappeared.

33) If there’s a car chase, there’s an endangered fruit stand.

34. A semi truck will always appear when cars are in both lanes.

35. A superhuman villain can throw a normal person across a room, usually into a wall or shelf, but the normal person will not be injured.

36. If the good guy is fighting the bad guy and scratches his cheek, that’s when the fight really begins.

37. PCs boot up and instantly go online, even if the character has dial-up.

38. When there’s a virus on a PC, there will be a big red screen saying “VIRUS”.

39. Alcoholics and people who eat junk food have perfect bodies.

40. All nerdy women look like supermodels when they take off their glasses.

By clavius42

Lego Pegs Classic Martin Scorsese Films for Next Series

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Lego and Traveler’s Tales, the company who makes the Lego video games, are both planning to use a series of classic movies by director Martin Scorsese for their next franchise.

“After tackling Harry Potter, Batman, Star Wars, Marvel, Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, even our very own movie,” says Lego president Bill D. Bloch, “it was only common sense to reimagine Scorsese’s movies in colorful blocks.”   

Movies to be adapted include Mean StreetsTaxi DriverRaging Bull, and Goodfellas.

“It’s a very exciting concept,” says Brick A. Semble, one of the Traveler’s Tales developers.  “For example, when Travis Bickle brutally kills the gangsters in the brothel, all of them turn into valuable studs, which you can use to purchase assorted weapons to use in a variety of psycho vigilante missions.”

“The Lego version of Robert DeNiro will probably be our largest seller. What kid doesn’t want to re-enact Jake La Motta accusing Joey of sleeping with his wife?”

Lego is also talking about adapting what they call Lego Scorsese: The DiCaprio Years, both as video games and playsets.

“We are very confident that the playsets, particularly the jet orgy fromThe Wolf of Wall Street and the Five Points war from Gangs of New York will be instant hits with children of all ages,” says Bloch.

Sources close to Lego say that they are already planning to piece together more franchises based on films by classic directors, to be released each year in assorted blocks of time. 

By clavius42

Hey Kids! It’s an Interview with The Easter Bunny!

easter-bunny

Today I am interviewing one of the most popular holiday icons – the Easter Bunny!

GR: Welcome Mr. Bunny!

EB: Peter, or Pete…

GR: Peter Cottontail?

EB: Whatever floats your boat. Got a smoke?

GR: Isn’t that bad for you?

EB: Hey, it’s my day off. Sue me.

GR: Well I’d like to thank you for coming in on your day off. I suppose you’re getting ready for next Sunday?

EB: Yeah. Got my eggs ordered and everything.

GR: Don’t you make your own eggs?

EB: What do I look like, a chicken? These things come already painted too. Thank God for eBay…

GR: So what do you do when you’re not working?

EB: I play video games mostly.

GR: Really!

EB: Oh yeah, I play lots of games. But I stay away from Nintendo – any games where I have to hop or jump. I do that crap plenty in real life.

GR: So what other hobbies do you have, since you only work one day of the year?

EB: Whatever I like, really.  But I’m really keen on painting.  Not eggs, so don’t ask it.

GR: Didn’t even come to my mind.  Great job!

EB: Yeah, it’s a cushy gig, ain’t it? Great benefits too. Of course, I don’t have the recognition that other holiday icons do, particularly Santa Claus. Fat bastard.

GR: Are you okay with the commercialism of what is actually supposed to be a religious day?

EB: Heck yeah!  I have a deal with Cadbury and the people who make Peeps that keeps me very comfortable.  

GR: Thanks for your time, and “hoppy Easter”!

EB: Yeah, like I’ve never heard that one…

By clavius42

Cosmic Event Makes GOP Tell Truth for a Day

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WASHINGTON – An unusually violent series of solar flares had a decidedly shocking impact yesterday.  Not only were wireless internet and smart phone signals disrupted, but in a strange chain of events, members of the GOP and other conservatives actually told people exactly what they were thinking.

The phenomenon started when conservative radio host and flotation device Rush Limbaugh made a surprising statement on the air.  “Let’s face it folks,” said Limbaugh, “I am a racist, misogynist, heartless blowhard who hates pretty much everyone and everything.  But I would like to thank all you mindless bastards for keeping me employed.  If I wasn’t doing this, I would probably be one of those crazy people you see on the side of a street, yelling at passerbys and to the air!”

During a congressional meeting, Sen. Mitch McConnell, along with his fellow congressman, inadvertently ranted against President Obama on C-SPAN.  “When it comes down to brass tacks, it’s all about Obama being Black.  Why else do you think we criticize him even when he offers up ideas we came up with?  He’s Black, we’re White.  Simple as that.  Washington would be a much better place if we got all the Negroes out of politics.  We can’t have Obama undermining us all with his common sense ideas and knowledge.  And the only way to get rid of him is to show him the least amount of respect any President has ever been given in history.  If Blacks can think for themselves, it’s just as bad as if women did.”

In a Fox News interview, when asked about immigration and the poor, House Speaker John Boehner said he didn’t see what the big deal was.  “Who cares, really?  Are they rich?  No.  Can they further our campaigns?  No.  Who needs them?  Let them go back to where they came from, and stop bothering us.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be the GOP mouthpiece on another program.”

Fox News host Sean Hannity excused Boehner, saying, “we’ll be back with more news we made up or were told to say by the Republican Party, for all of the right-wing elderly who seem to be our biggest demographic.  And remember, we’re the reason George W. Bush had a platform during the Iraq War!” 

NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre admitted to a dumbfounded group of city council members that “all gun violence does is give us profits, so why stop it?  You can replace lives, but you can’t replace wealth!”

Many conservative groups, after discovering the chain of unfortunately honest events, tried to remove all broadcasts and transcripts of all conversations delivered, but most details and entire shows had already gone viral via YouTube and Twitter.

“It was an entirely fabricated series of ‘mishaps’,” said a Tea Party activist.  “It’s as fictional as the admittedly convincing evidence that there is such a thing as global warming.  Aw man, did I just say that out loud???”

A source close to Fox News says that all footage, including interviews and special reports have been reportedly “lost” for yesterday.  

“Due to unforeseen technical difficulties, Fox News was off the air on Friday, April 11,” said the 24 hour news network’s president Roger Ailes.  “And for those of you who do remember what happened, keep it to yourself.”     

By clavius42

CDC Says Zombie Threat Not Possible Because They Don’t Freakin’ Exist

zombie02

Today the CDC (Center for Disease Control) President and CEO Charles Stokes made a public statement to those concerned with a possible threat of zombies infecting the population.

“We at the CDC are removing all active procedures online and in text regarding a possible zombie apocalypse,” said Stokes, “as clear evidence suggests that not only is such a threat not possible, but also that ZOMBIES AREN’T FREAKIN’ REAL!!!”

“C’mon people!  Dead bodies are not going to reanimate because of aliens, satellites, viruses, or magic!  They’re made up!  Like Freddie Krueger!  And the Boogeyman!  All of them are just as non-existent as rappers who use their own music!”

Many requests to the CDC have been submitted for several years, concerning an undead outbreak, as depicted in such popular movies and television shows as Dawn of the Dead and The Walking Dead
“They’re fiction, people,” added Stokes.  “Look around you.  With all the real horror in the world, do you really want to add a fictional threat to the mix?  Get a freakin’ life!”

In related news, CNN will be airing a special report this weekend, entitled, “Did Zombies Attack Flight 370?”…

By clavius42