WASHINGTON – Today the GOP issued a statement to the press, finally admitting their concerns with climate change.
“We are still not entirely convinced that there is even such a thing,” said House Speaker John Boehner, “but we are saying that if it becomes a valid concern, there must be measures to insure the well being of the wealthy.”
Recently the Supreme Court ruled 5 – 4 in favor of removing any limits to how much money the wealthy can contribute to their candidates of choice. Conservative backers David H. Koch and Charles G. Koch supported the ruling whole-heartedly. “It is our duty, and others like myself i.e. the filthy rich,” said Charles Koch , “to maintain our God-given right to keep as many politicians as we can in our pockets. And soon, that may just be literal.”
“The world is going through some massive changes, there’s no denying. And after all the poor people are lost, we have to defend ourselves at all costs. Which is lucky, since we can afford all costs.”
Justice Antonin Scalia denies that the ruling is biased in any way, shape, or form. “The 1%, when it really gets down to it, is a minority. So we are just doing what’s best for a put-upon group of individuals. How is this any different from immigration?”
Members of the GOP called a private meeting earlier today, but sources close to Congress say that the subject was the catastrophic effect which might occur is there was a catastrophy.
“I’m not naming names,” said one source, who wished to remain anonymous, “but one member during the session admitted that this may have more importance than what happened in Benghazi. For him to say that, you know they’re really scared of what would happen to their financiers – er, the job creators.”
In somewhat related news, conservatives gathered around the Washington Mall to light 7 million candles, which represented the people who signed up for Obamacare. “Our hearts go out to the men and women who will be receiving affordable healthcare. Haven’t they thought of their families???”